I have a lot of nightmares where I am caught immobile, unable to
do anything while I watch people I love get murdered in hideous ways -
usually by other Amberites. They aren't a whole ton of fun to experience.
And they suck even worse when it looks like they'll probably start coming
I feel the mental equivalent of being kicked in the balls.
And to think, I wasted the last four years of my life. I could
have been home. I could have been with my family. But I thought this was
more important. I thought THEY were more important. Apparently, I was
incorrect. And I have since been corrected. Thank you. I will not make
the same mistake twice.
Four years. It's a long time to work on one project.
I went ahead, and gave our stars, the Head Honcho Amberites, the
best possible solution to our problem that I could possibly come up with.
The one where the minimum amount of people get hurt. The one where we
live, happily every after. If they moved quick, no more of Shadow would
fall to the Abyss, no more Shadow storms would rip apart universes. God
knows I tried many different tactics, but this was my absolute best.
What I got from Archimedes was this:
He's decided to wait a year.
He's decided to destroy as many people as possible in the meantime.
He's decided to use the multiple Patterns problem as a vehicle for
his own personal vendettas, no matter who it kills or harms.
He's decided to make MORE enemies in Chaos, if that is at all
He made it PERFECTLY CLEAR that I am considered incompetent as a
He made it PERFECTLY CLEAR before my peers that my opinion means
nothing. My knowledge means nothing. My work means nothing.
He made it PERFECTLY CLEAR that I am not allowed to work, or
think, or hold an individual thought, without Fiona holding my
He made it PERFECTLY CLEAR that, unless I belong to that inner
clique of people, I am nothing. I am not even worth them gazing
If my ideas had come from Ulysses, this would all be over right now.
I got nothing for my work but a brush off and an invitation to
leave. To Amber, I am nothing at all.
So what can I do? They're going to murder my brother and my
niece. Or at least take away their homes - again. They'll probably
murder the rest of my family as well, myself included, eventually.
They're going to murder a lot of other people as well, who are no longer
any different from ourselves, not with their own Pattern Imprints. A
whole new species, and Amberites are the ultimate killer. They prey upon
their own kind.
My hands are tied. I'm completely helpless.
I currently have three options:
1) I could just go ahead and bleed on the Pattern in the area that
I have drawn out that is affected by the spreading Badlands.
2) I could attempt to steal the Jewel of Judgment, and redraw the
3) I can do nothing at all.
The first one involves me being branded as a traitor, banished,
and probably executed. Although I think it's better than allowing the
universe to be destroyed.
The second also has banishment and execution in there, but the
trade off is that I'd probably die before I finished. That's fine, I can
live with that. The problem is that I don't think I'm strong enough
mentally to get the other universes to separate when I walk.
The third means that I am not a traitor, technically, but my child
and life-partner only have 29 years Amber-time left to live. I don't
think I can live with that at all. I look down at my smiling, happy two
year-old baby girl, and I know that I can't just let her die.
So, I don't know. No matter what I do, even if I try to continue
research, I'll instantly be branded as a traitor, and 'asked' to leave
Amber. Even if I just wait it out and die with my family, I'll still die
a traitor, because I didn't do my duty to the Pattern. It's not my fault,
I haven't done anything wrong. That's just the way it is.
Sometimes I wonder about them. Do they care about their children
or their future? Do they give the slightest damn at all?
I tried to talk to Laughter, but she can't do anything. I talked
to my siblings, who may have come up with alternatives, but they're
limited in what they can do as well.
I'm so sorry. So sorry to everyone. I really tried. You have to
believe me. There is nothing I can do.
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