From zenith@engin.umich.eduMon Feb 27 14:44:43 1995 Date: Mon, 27 Feb 1995 13:41:57 -0500 (EST) From: "Emily K. Dresner" To: shadows@umich.edu Subject: Aleksandr XXVIII We're off to go do something stupid.... again. Mok talked me into going off with a bunch of other people to Chaos, the one place I'm never supposed to go. When I think of that place, the only thing I can think of is Tianen and her wonderful lampreys. And the STENCH! If I thought people around here dragging around chaos behind them were nasty, just going down there gives me the shivers. Anyway, I have a bunch of comments on a bunch of different things, and I guess I'll attack them one at a time. I can always tell when I start to swing back to normality, because I get really anal and organized. I don't know why this happens, but it's always of harbinger of moods that are going to suck. Well, I'm actually on the way up, instead of down..... My list: * Archimedes and Laughter They got married. They've known each other for what, a month? I often wonder, when I look at them, how much Archimedes has told Laughter about his sortid past. Probably nothing at all. That's kind of ironic - I know all about him, and she may know nothing at all. But I made that decision to keep my mouth shut - permenantly. But for everything he's done, he still the only respectable member of our little group. No one else is really worth much, including me. Our only leader, the only one who can command any kind of respect at all, and receive it. Besides, I swore an oath to his father, and I assume the oath spills over to him. And I'm not going to forget, regardless of what happens, or what mood I'm in. That is that. No more screwing around. * Bleys Strange to see him in this list, eh? But of everyone who badmouthed me at the wedding, his hurt the most. Slander kills. I respected him, but then he goes and tells Melanie that I'm a total moron. And that just hurts. It reminds me that I have no family. * Brand I think about Dad all the time. It never ends. I'm not sure if I ever loved him, or if I was just terrified of him. But this I know: the man I loved as my father died when he was pushed into the Abyss. That person I spoke to was just a shadow of that man, a man who has had many other children and other lives, and I was never to be part of again. So, it's easier to wear black, and mourn the man who died 30 years ago Amber time. Believing this way lets the mourning and the loss hurt a hell of a lot less. So I ask myself, "What if he survived, by some really weird outside chance? He survived the Abyss. He was a living trump." Well, that man is just some Chaosite with whom I may have some passing resemblance. And if that did happen, I'll just give him an Amulet of Dramatic Death, and go on with my life. It's time to let Dad go. * Chaos Our low-budget field trip that I got talked into going on. I don't know what is really going on, but I guess anything to get out of here for a little while. Oh, and Archimedes gave me a gun. I LOVE IT SO MUCH. Kidding. It does make me feel a little better about getting my ass shot off, though. * Melanie Something about her makes me extremely nervous. Something down deep in the pit of my stomach. Is my brain FINALLY telling me something? Maybe it's because she's so easy to talk to. Maybe it's because it seems so easy to just trust her and be happy and not worry about it. But this is Amber, and I know better than that. It's weird. I don't want to be alone, and it seems like here, here is someone to share my pain. Someone who can make it all go away, someone who was there, someone who understands. But there is another side to this - if she's Brand's, and she turned out right, she ought to be killed now. I know what Dad tried to turn me into, and when I'm nice and stable, I thank every deity I can remember that I'm all screwed up. I'm not interested in being a weapon. And God knows who she talks to after we are done talking to her. Home in Chaos? Maron? Something worse? She's been here for a few days. And now we want to include her in everything. I have to make a little mental note to pull Archimedes over to the side, and explain why she can't go with us. Or maybe she should, so that we can make sure that she doesn't alert the cavalry. * Mok Mok is the Man. A friend - a GOOD friend. Friendship is hard to come by in these awful days. And I'd die to preserve it, and save him. And where we are going, I may have to do just that. * Sky Hates me. I think that about covers it. * Ulysses My last conversation with him consisted of: "Hi..." "WHAT!!!!" "Uh, nothing. Bye." Weird, angry, moody, delusional, sounds like me when I'm on one of my benders. I honestly don't know what's gotten into him. Now, I know he doesn't love me. He's told me so himself. He cares about me out of pity, and that's it. So, my feelings are one way. They usually are like that anyway, so it's no real derivation from the norm. But at least I wish he would tell me how I've gone and pissed him off. He's totally unapproachable right now, angry and seething. Personally I don't know what to do. Is it just one roll on a bed and it's all over? I love him very much, but what do I do? It seems easiest to leave him alone right now. It's clear he wants absolutely nothing to do with me. I figure, if he wants to talk, he'll talk on the way to Chaos. Maybe not to me, maybe to Archimedes or Laughter or someone else. And if he doesn't want to deal with me, I'll stay away from him for a while. I just don't know what to do. I'm just confused. Have I covered everything? I'm not really sure. I'm feeling better, almost sane. I won't come back that way, but hey, you can't have everything. I promised Archimedes that I'd hold together as long as I could. I should be fine the entire time, though. No worries. Mok has suggested that I seek help, and so has Melanie. (Personally, I think Melanie just wants me out of the way, or has already decided that I'm too pathetic to even deal with. But this headcase still packs a whollop, when I remember how. Mok, on the other hand, was out of concern.) I have thought about it, but psychosomatic drugs don't work in Amber. We've already tried. So, I'm just screwed. I'll just wander around the Castle moody and suffering from black fits just like my father before me. But hey, he's dead, and there is a niche to fill. Strangely enough, with all the people around me, the one thing I feel as I pull out of depression is a terrible lonliness. I've felt very alone all my life, but sometimes it's worse. It'll go away on the way back up, but I think I'd do anything for a family. Look at my life: my sister is a chaosite, and definitely not one of us; my brother is a homocidal maniac; my father is occasionally dead; aunts and uncles hate me. My niece, little Eve, is so sweet, but I seriously doubt I'll ever see her again; my mother I buried when she died of cancer. My lover doesn't want to speak to me. And Mok thinks I'm just a head case. Sigh. No point in getting depressed AGAIN. Besides, I'm off to go bag myself some chaosites. Time to kick some ass. And that, I haven't done in a very long time. All this power has to be good for something. Aleksandr Kuenstlersohn | Emily Dresner Advanced Pattern Initiate | Computer Engineering Senior Sorcerer/Psycho with Gun | Programmer/Nuisance Castle Amber | University of Michigan | sandr@primal.pattern.com | zenith@engin.umich.edu "It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine."