From zenith@engin.umich.eduFri Jan 20 13:36:33 1995 Date: Thu, 19 Jan 1995 21:01:18 -0500 (EST) From: "Emily K. Dresner" To: shadows@umich.edu Subject: Sandr 26 <> I'm having one of my days again. I noticed that I don't have good days or bad days. I just have days. I suppose, after they all suck for a while, they all seem to be the same. I do have an observation to make: The Amberites have taken so much away from me, I'll kill to keep what little I have. I have just lost so much. My parents, my friends, my home, my car, my job, my life. It's all just... gone. Poof. Sure, it's all just shadow, but hell, after a while, you need everything you can get. So soon after Dad's death, I guess I'm still grieving in a big way. It's this big empty spot, when I realize that I really have no one. My family is all dead, one way or another. I don't honestly consider Amberites as "family", simply because of some loose relation by blood, except maybe Ulysses and occasionally Bleys if he's around. But my parents are dead. My home is gone. So when I ended up with a little girl in my arms, I decided that I would rather want to keep her. Others had different ideas, and Sky insisted that I was totally incompetent and I was an awful person. As a matter of fact she made sure that the girl knew this. Sky's known me for what, 72 hours? We've exchanged maybe a dozen words before today? I suppose that is enough to make a value judgement on someone's entire life. For her I suppose. Another in a long line of hollow self-serving Amberites. It's not your fault dear, it's genetic. Archi is a good person, but it's that shitty Oberon gene that gets you every time. Anyway, Eve is Maron's little girl, and I still can't believe that he just left her to die. That's just sick. I can't let her go back to her father. Not until I know what is going on with him, at least. Sky decided that she was Eve's official parent, and I was going to have no part of anything. I'd known the girl for ten minutes, and ANOTHER Amberite was going to take someone away from me. It keeps getting faster and faster every time. But I cooled down, I went off to think for a while. Having a little girl dumped on you is not an easy matter to deal with, and nor is it to be taken lightly. But what happens? Sky fucking finds me in the library and starts taunting me about what a horrible person I am, and why I'm not allowed to take care of a little kid. Maybe I blew up. Maybe I lost control. Maybe I don't even care any more. It's not fair. I'm just not allowed to have anything. I'm still pissed. But hours later I tried talking to Sky, and give her what she wants. Why fight? Why bother? It's too hard to fight any more. Take the girl away from me. It's going to happen either way, it might as well happen before I get to know her. It'll be easier. We seem to be at some kind of free standing truce. She wants to be with Eve and I want to be with Eve, so I guess we tolerate each other for the time being. Which is good, because the outside world is starting to suck again. Fog? Chaos? I don't know. I just know I'm going to get my ass kicked again. There isn't anything to stop it, there never is. Hell, the goddamn CASTLE attacked me. I got attacked by a bird today, of all the ridiculous things. Someone who hates me is totally on crack. But, with any luck, this time I'll get killed. I hope it's not too painful. I wish Ulysses was here. He's here somewhere, but he's acting all weird and I don't want to go and find him. At least he could tell me that it's going to be all right. Because I don't feel all right. I feel sad and frightened and helpless. I mean, I'm GOING to die this time. There just isn't any way to get around it. But it's getting so hard to care any more. I just keep getting beaten and beaten, and I guess I just don't care. There was a time that I did, hey, it was just a few weeks ago. Something about hanging out in plaid shadows and land mines with "Pass GO Collect $200" flags. But now I just get beaten every way I turn, and it just doesn't matter. I don't even have to do anything. I can just get the crap kicked out of me by existing. My Dad's gone, my brother is destroying the universe and I can't stop him, my life and my home is gone, I'm all fucked up in the head, and I just hurt and hurt. I'm just going to sit here on the hill and watch the fog come in. Random doesn't want me doing anything for another day, so I'll just watch it. ______________________________________________________________________________ Aleksandr Kuenstlersohn | Emily Dresner Advanced Pattern Initiate | Computer Engineering Senior Sorcerer/Son of Brand | Programmer/Nuisance Castle Amber | University of Michigan | sandr@primal.pattern.com | zenith@engin.umich.edu ______________________________________________________________________________