This is intolerable. This creature inside of me will not allow me
to kill it. Every time I attempt to do so, I feel as though I am burning
from within, and loose consciousness. So the doctors will not go through
with the procedure. Damn! How can something so small thwart me in this
manner? It is not possible. Could this be Kaedric's doing? I would not
put it past the bastard. There must be a way around it.
The stupid fool has seen fit to inform Father of our relationship,
and the fact that I am carrying his child. Is he that eager to die, so
soon after being restored to his body? Bastard. Father is not willing to
let me rid myself of the child, of course, even if I can figure out how.
He seemed to think it is a problem common to Amberites, but it is
obviously not unsurpassable, or he would not have given me the ultimatum
that he did. Either I marry Kaedric, or he locks me away until the child
is born. No doubt he will take it from me then. Or he will try. If I
actually am forced to bear this child, I certainly will not turn it over
to someone else to use. I am beginning to think that my life was easier
when Father was simply bodiless, insane, and trapped in the Taormin.
Certainly I would not find myself in this position. How could Kaedric
have been so stupid? If he thinks I will marry him, just to protect him
from my father, he is sadly mistaken.
As I suspected, Caitlin also remembers the events of the future.
This time, at least, she has wisely decided to stay away from my brother.
Causing his death once was more than enough. She is hiding something,
though. I have not been able to determine what, yet, but it has to do
with Aleksandr, somehow. He is still in his Shadow, though, and she could
not have contacted him there, so I am at a loss as to what she has done
Laughter knows that I am pregnant. Which means that Archimedes
doubtless knows as well. Is there anyone Kaedric did not inform of this
disaster? The King of Chaos, perhaps? What was he thinking? This is no
one's business but mine. It was a mistake, not an event to be joyously
proclaimed. So now I am relegated to competing in illusionary sorcery,
since God knows I might miscarry or something if I competed in force
sorcery. As if I could be so lucky. If Archimedes is so concerned about
potential miscarriages, I do not see why he is allowing his pregnant wife
to compete in force sorcery, either. She probably actually wants her
I do not believe it. How can Sylvie be alive? Or should I say
Sylvester? Kaedric believes that she may be my full sister. Or brother.
I still cannot believe it. I wonder if Father knows? I wonder if she
remembers? I need to talk to talk to her, but not here. I do not think
Ulysses will be happy if he ever learns of this.
Against my better judgment, I have given Kaedric a week to
convince me of why I should marry him. I wish I knew my own mind on the
matter. I do not wish to marry him, but I do not wish to lose him,
either. Why must it be one or the other? I was satisfied with things the
way they were before. It is this wretched child that has brought this all
to pass. Damn my carelessness in drinking that absinthe.
It seems as though I shall eventually find myself competing with
Maron, assuming both of us last that long. It will be good to see him
again, even if he does not remember me. I must keep in mind that I am a
stranger to him.
After witnessing his contests with Laughter and Caitlin, I am
certain that Orrin retains his memory of the future. Pity. Caitlin
should have killed him. Why allow him another chance, when he came so
close to taking Amber the last time? Had I faced him instead of Laughter,
you may be sure that he would not have walked away, if it was within my
power. Still, Caitlin's response was certainly effective.
That strange creature that had been trying to get the Jewel from
Archimedes a few days ago has gifted me with a ring. It bears my symbol,
and the stone seems to be from the Jewel. The future Jewel, at any rate,
the one which Orrin shattered. Archimedes believes Dworkin may be
responsible for it, since it was he that was behind the creature's
attempts to gain the Jewel. Several of those who remember the future
appear to have received one, but no one is certain as to their purpose.
Apparently, when you place the ring on your finger, you get a sense of
where all the other ring wearers are. Maybe it is some sort of tracking
system? I have decided not to wear mine, for now, at least until I know
more of what it can do. I do not care to have my whereabouts so easily
determined. Kaedric was rather miffed that he did not receive one. Well,
if he had been more cautious in the future, he would not have died, and
then he would have one of his own. I wonder if Dworkin even realizes that
Kaedric and Sand survived? Or if Laughter and Archi know of who resides
in their rings? Kaedric must have told them. If he saw fit to share
something that was so completely none of their concern as this wretched
pregnancy with them, I am certain that he would inform them of this.
As much as I hate to admit it, I enjoyed myself thoroughly this
evening. Kaedric does make it difficult to hate him. This does not make
me any more eager to be married, but I am starting to remember why I love
him. Some of the time.
I decided to risk it and briefly placed the ring on my finger. As
I was warned, I felt a sense of the others who possess similar rings.
What surprised me was that I sensed Archimedes far more strongly than the
rest. I wonder why this should be? It cannot be simply his initiation to
the Jewel, for Laughter was initiated as well, and I sensed her no more
strongly than the others. Perhaps it is due to a combination of his
initiation to the Jewel, and my initiation to the Eye. The Eye does still
exist, after all, even if it now resides in the Serpent's head. Where it
belongs. There is too much unknown about these rings.
I cannot sleep this night. I keep thinking of everything that has
happened in the past few days: the news of the child, seeing Father again,
Kaedric asking Father for my hand in marriage. I must face the fact that
it seems unlikely that I will be able to get rid of this child. And if I
cannot eliminate it, things cannot be the way they were. So I have two
choices. If I do not marry Kaedric, Father will probably kill him, lock
me away until the child is born, and then take it from me. Which will
leave me quite alone. If I marry Kaedric, I will no longer be under
Father's control, the child will be legitimized, and Kaedric will live.
In the end, I really have no choice. I would rather have the child under
my control than Father's. And, having lost Kaedric once, I have no wish
to lose him again. Even if I must marry him to save him.
I guess Kaedric was unable to sleep, either. Our conversation was
most illuminating. While I was off trying to get rid of the child, he
passed another 100 years. I should have known that he would try to regain
the power that he had lost. He looked most displeased when I told him of
my failed attempts to abort the child. Apparently he did not think I
would act so soon. It gave me some small satisfaction to know that I
managed to outwit him in this case. If only the child had not proven so
difficult to get rid of... Kaedric claims that Father will not kill him,
if I refuse to marry him, although he will likely do something rather
nasty. It does not alter my decision. At least Kaedric managed to
propose properly. On his knees and everything. It was rather flowery, of
course, as is Kaedric's wont. I am ashamed to admit that, for a moment, I
was rather touched by it all. I must be slipping. I suppose all that
remains now is to inform Father. And the wedding itself, but there is no
reason we need to rush into that. It should be a month or two before my
condition becomes obvious, after all.
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