My brothers live again, but know me not. My nieces will never be
born. My sister will likely never be born as well. Even though she was a
traitor in the end, I will miss her as much as the others. I wish I could
have had a chance to ask her why she made the choices she did, in the end.
What turned her against Amber, and her own father? Or was she against
Amber from the beginning? Was she Mother's next tool, her replacement for
Jubal? I suppose he is alive too, at this point in time, and Mother still
schemes to put him on the throne of Amber. Will they succeed this time?
I wish I could bring myself to care. I feel emotionally numb, right now.
I wonder if anyone besides Claudio remembers the future that we
experienced? If I do, then I would presume that at least Caitlin, Aelle
and Sky do as well, but who can say? I am still not sure quite what
happened after the bubble enveloped us. It would seem that it threw some
of us back in time, a spell of greater magnitude than I had thought
possible. But I feel like there is something more, something I have
forgotten... If only I could remember what it was.
So, I am back seven years in Amber's time. Father has not created
his universe yet. I have not walked his Pattern and spent more than half
of my life exploring his domain. Maron has not met Odemma, and never
will, now. Even if I seek out Maron or Aleksandr, I will be a stranger to
them. I will remember times together that have never taken place, spouses
they will never know, children that will never be born. I cannot face
that, yet. And then there is Father. I suppose I am glad that he is no
longer trapped and insane in the Taormin. I have always felt responsible
for that. He took the Taormin from Abigail, believing she was me, after
all. A pity that she still lives as well. But, there is a part of me
that felt...safer before. I did not even realize it until I awoke in my
bedroom of old, and realized where I was, and when I was, and recalled
what that must mean. His visits to me at that time were few and far
between, and I pray that he remains too busy to check on me for a while,
for I cannot afford for him to find me, now. He will take one look at me,
with the Pattern I should not possess, and the living Trump power that I
should not possess, and I think he will be very, very upset with me. And
if he should learn of Kaedric...
For Kaedric still lives. He has somehow managed to place himself
in the bracelet that he gave me as a gift, and he is the reason that I
find myself in Ixaxis, now. He wishes to take control of his body from
his past self, and I have agreed to assist him in this. After all, the
current situation with him is not precisely ideal. But once he has his
body back, what then? Do we go back to the way things were? Can we,
after all that we have endured? I know I should end this relationship.
It hurt so badly when I thought that he was dead, and with Father alive...
But I think it would hurt just as much to let him go. More, perhaps,
since it would be inevitable that we would encounter each other from time
to time. Sometimes I wish that we had never met. What shall I do? It is
weak of me to feel this way, but I do not wish to lose him.
I never thought that simply viewing someone's living quarters
could lighten my mood so. It was most amusing that to see how Kaedric
lived when he was younger. And he teases me about my corsets? He was
far, far worse than I. Is worse, technically. I wish his younger self
would return soon, so we could get this over with. I am afraid to move
around much in Ixaxis until then. The last thing I wish to do is run into
him unexpectedly, seeing as how he would likely assume that I am Abigail.
I will try to avoid running into Abigail as well, although there is a part
of me that finds myself curious to know just how similar we actually were.
I mean are. Of course, there is also a large part of me that wants to
kill her as soon as possible. She wrecked far too much havoc the last
time. But she is one of Sand's students, and therefore Sand's to deal
with first. But, make no mistake, Abigail will die. If Sand does not
kill her, then Claudio will. Or Ulysses. Or I. We cannot afford to let
As for the future, I am still determining my next move. I do not
believe it would be wise for me to travel to Amber, just yet. Father is
doubtless keeping an eye on things there, and it would not do to have him
discover me at this time. Right now, Sand is the only one who knows I am
not of this time. Let the others think I died at the end. At least for
now. I would like to bring Aleksandr here, to study under Sand. If
anyone can teach him to avoid the things that brought him down before, it
is she. Even if that proves impossible, I must at least warn him of
Caitlin, and the fate that awaits him if he succumbs to her whiles. Then
I believe I will investigate the Atlantis-Ivory Nexus that Kaedric
mentioned. And Chantille Vale must be fortified. Yes, there is much to
do before contemplating a return to Amber.
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