Obtaining Eve's body proved to be far less difficult than I had
anticipated. I doubt my presence was even necessary, other than as moral
support. Eve insisted on leaving her old body there, and, given her mood
at the time, I did not argue, but I have no intention of leaving a body
with even a partial Pattern imprint lying around. There will be time for
me to retrieve it after we return to Amber. I wonder if Kaedric has
"Go deo agus a chaoidhche." Forever and always. What can it mean?
Kaedric must be responsible, for the bracelet was his gift to me, but why
did this appear now? And why did it fade again? There is obviously more
to this bracelet than meets the eye, but I have not been able to discern
its workings, or even anything odd about it at all, other than the words
which appeared upon it. I may as well give in and ask Kaedric about it.
It is as good an excuse as any to find out how he is doing, without
looking like I am worrying about him.
All those who went after Caitlin are unreachable, save for Mok,
who is dead. There is a cold feeling in my heart, and it grows stronger
with each passing moment. I must know how the others have fared. If Mok
is dead, then... Claudio. I must find Claudio. Kaedric is his brother,
surely he will be interested in helping me find him.
"Kaedric is dead." Caitlin's words still echo in my head, over and
over again. With those words, what was left of my life fell apart. I
should never have allowed myself to love him. I never imagined it would
hurt this much to lose him. I can still hear his voice, like he was
standing next to me. Damn Orrin. And damn Caitlin, as well. Must she
take everything I care about from me? Kaedric died while trying to free
her. Why did I let him go after her? Why did I not try harder to stop
him? Why did I allow so much time to pass before I Trumped him? This is
all my fault. If I had contacted him before Aelle did, then perhaps he
would still be here with me. But I did not, and he is not, and the
emptiness I feel at this moment makes the way I felt before feel as
nothing. He promised that he would never leave me. I should not have,
but I believed him. I was a fool. And I miss him terribly. I never even
told him that I loved him. I did not want to admit it. I told myself
that he knew, that it was not necessary. But now, I wish that I had.
Kaedric never believed that I was cursed, but I am. Only, it is
not my family that seems cursed to die, but all that I care about. Maron,
my brother, I believe I finally understand what drove you to destroy
yourself. What is the point in living, when all that you care about is
gone? How did you manage to face year after year, always alone, the ache
never diminishing? Father was right to tell us not to love. You waited a
whole century, and still found yourself alone. I shall not make the same
mistake. For, if the choice is between life with this gnawing emptiness,
or death, I will choose death.
My bracelet speaks with my lover's voice. What has Kaedric
become? Dead, but not dead... The battle had best end soon, for I cannot
bear this much longer. I long to embrace the darkness. Why did I not
listen to you, Father? Why did I not heed your words?
Back to the Diary list