I will say this for the man, he is difficult to ignore. I wonder
how long he would have been willing to continue conjuring me roses? After
he covered the floor, I decided it was not worth it to find out. He is
rather persistent, I am afraid. Still, at least this silly game of his
involving my style of dress should be at an end. It was almost worth the
whole episode with the absinthe to achieve that.
I find myself both relieved and surprised that Eve was able to
resolve things with Archimedes. She has been through enough already
without adding any more difficulties. Delwin used her terribly, and left
her without even her own body. I fear what she may do while she attempts
to come to terms with this. I know well what she is going through, and I
understand better than ever why Kaedric insisted on staying with me those
nights after Maron died. Not that I intend to acknowledge this to him, of
The Ty Dahl itself was thankfully brief, and turned out much as I
had expected. Unfortunately, Benedict did not charge Aleksandr with
incest after all, so he cannot be called on the same charge. All that
remains is for Aleksandr to walk the Fire Pattern, which cannot be done
until the Primal Pattern is repaired. I tell myself that at least he has
a chance of surviving, which is more than he would have if Benedict had
simply killed him. Claudio survived it, after all. But I fear that his
chances are very small indeed.
That did not hurt nearly as much as I expected it to. I had
steeled myself for the pain, and for the searing emptiness to follow, but
the pain was relatively brief compared to the last time. Of course, last
time I lost the only imprint I had, whereas this time I still have
another. Which is why I intend to walk the new Atherton Pattern as soon
as I can. It is unlikely I will ever loose both, and I do not ever wish
to go through that again.
Archimedes has redrawn the Pattern, and lived to tell the tale. I
cannot fathom how he managed to accomplish this. If Oberon could not
survive it, how did Archimedes manage to do so? Unfortunately, this means
that Aleksandr must walk the Fire Pattern tomorrow. I find myself wishing
it were done, already.
It is odd. I am not sure what I expected to feel. Anger.
Sorrow. Instead, I feel nothing. Why is that? Perhaps it is because I
already knew what the outcome would be, before Aleksandr even set foot on
the Fire Pattern. Each time I scryed into the future, the result was the
same. Death. Just before he reached the center. But I kept hoping that
maybe something had changed, that maybe this time he would survive. He
did not. And now the future is the past. And I wait for my turn. It
will come soon.
I suppose I could have berated Caitlin for her part in this, but
what would be the point? She was careless, and stupid, and my brother
died for it. She knows this. She will live with it for the rest of her
life. Why, in God's name, did she not get rid of the child? She had to
know that no good would come of it. Without the child, perhaps Benedict
would not have found out. But she was foolish, and he was foolish, and
now he is dead, and she has no father, and I have no brother, and Anton
has no husband, and Nadine has but one parent. All for one night of
passion that Aleksandr barely remembered. There is justice here for no
one save Benedict. May he suffer for all eternity.
There are things I should be about right now. There is Eve's body
to find, for one thing. I do not think she will be fully recovered until
she has it again. And then there is Delwin. We must find him as well.
He has taken too much from me, done too much to my family, to be ignored.
But right now, I do not feel like doing any of this. I do not wish to
face anyone. So long as I remain in Chantille Vale, I do not have to. I
can be alone, as I was meant to be. It would be so easy to end the
waiting, the nightmares. A moment to turn off my Trump abilities, a quick
slash with a knife, allow the power back in, and then wait while the world
turns black. No one can stop me, not here. It is so tempting. All of my
plans are ashes. Like Aleksandr. Like Maron. What is left for me?
Kaedric wishes to speak with me. He is no doubt frustrated that
he can no longer access this place, and check to see if my lifeless body
lies here. I should contact him, but I cannot. I cannot speak to anyone
while I am like this. I could not maintain my control. And I must.
Control is everything. Lack of control is weakness. It is bad enough
that I have failed in that regard, but I will not allow others to witness
it. Better for Kaedric to think me dead, then to see me this way.
If only there were not Eve to consider, and Nadine. I am the only
family that Eve has left. If I die, then she will be alone. And Nadine
will need someone to teach her of the powers of Amber and Chaos. Anton
will not be able to do so. And then there is Kaedric...
I miss Maron. He always seemed so confident, so sure of himself,
so in control, that speaking with him made me feel more confident myself.
But, in the end, I guess it was all an illusion. A facade of control,
that overlaid a yawning emptiness. I feel that emptiness now. The
loneliness. This is madness. I must talk to someone. I cannot endure
the silence any longer.
So, Caitlin has vanished under rather suspicious circumstances. I
would not care at all, were Kaedric not one of the ones trying to find
her. I wonder who is behind her disappearance, and what their motives
are? It cannot be due to Aleksandr's death. Anton and I are the only
ones I can think of who might seek vengeance, and Anton has not the means
to subdue Caitlin. There must be another reason. Could it be because of
her father? Kaedric implied that there may be a curse upon Benedict's
line. If this is so, it is no more than he deserves. I wish Kaedric a
safe journey, but I cannot find it within me to wish him luck in finding
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