I thought I could go through with it. I wanted to go through with
it. There is no doubt that Balin did. So why did I not? My nightmare
reminded me why. Because of Edward. And Father. And what Father did to
him for being foolish enough to love me. I still remember it, as clear as
yesterday. Only tonight, it was not Edward's face I saw, but Balin's, as
Father slowly squeezed the life out of it, until all that was left was an
empty shell, staring at me with vacant eyes. I try to assure myself that
Balin is different, that Father would have no objections to my taking such
a useful lover. It was having an emotional attachment that he was warning
me against, and there is no attachment here. I am just using Balin. That
is all. I am not foolish enough to actually care about him. Besides, I
am sure that Father has far more important things to do right now than to
monitor me. Still, there is a part of me that is convinced he will appear
in my bedchamber at any moment, and decide Balin is not good enough. And
then Balin will be no more.
Yesterday was not a good day in general. Someone managed to
disable all of my spells and take the Eye. Only a very good sorcerer
could do that. I was unable to trace them, of course. So now I have to
try and retrieve it, before Maron gets around to asking for it back. I am
convinced that Father has it, but I am puzzled as to why he is waiting so
long to use it. Why else would he have taken it, other than to draw a new
universe, to replace the one that he lost?
Then there are these strange flashes that I have been
experiencing. There seems to be no rhyme or reason to them. Obviously,
they are an attack from someone, but who? I have been most careful to
avoid making any enemies of the mortal sort. Ulysses dislikes me, and
Archimedes does not trust me, but this is beyond their skill. And what
would be gained by making me afraid to walk a Pattern? I have already
walked the only two my blood will allow me access to. Visions of fire,
fear of the Patterns, that power surge from the Eye... I do not like any
of this. I am supposed to be in control, not the other way around.
At least my plan for Ulysses goes well. Those Trump calls I
monitored were rather intriguing, though. Who are these two strangers,
and why did they decide to make Ulysses a living Trump? They made
reference to preventing anyone from helping Father, specifically
mentioning Sandr and I. Is that why Father paid that midnight visit to
Sandr? And took the Eye? What is he up to?
There is one way to find out. If I walk the Pattern, it should be
able to take me to the Eye. And maybe rid me of these odd visions as
well. However, I am not certain I wish to confront Father at this time.
Although, if he wishes to speak to me, there is no way for me to stop him.
Perhaps it is time to find out what he wants.
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