After discussing it with both Beauty and Caitt, we decided that it
was probably for the best that I leave Beauty in Foil for a time...
Perhaps when she is a older, she can return to Amber and live, but I think
that at this point it is a bit too difficult for anyone to grow up in
Amber and have a hope of coming out decently. A few days in Foil
refreshed me, and I returned to Amber with every intention of setting my
plans into motion, the objective of which: to find my father. I did a
little snooping in the library and came up with nothing, so I asked Bleys
directly about finding an object of Pattern that I could use to interact
with the spirits of Tir-na Nog'th. The Jewel of Judgment I ruled out
right away, and did the same for Brand's sword. As for Corwin's sword, I
was somewhat surprised to learn that he has not been seen for some time.
I had assumed that he was still showing up here on Deirdre's birthday, and
that I was merely missing him because I've not made a point to mark that
date on my calendar. Finding that there was no way for me to easily get a
Pattern object for the trip, I decided to simply head up without trying
I asked Sandr for his assistance in the expedition -- to be ready
to Trump me out in case the clouds came over the moon and turned Amber of
the air into just that -- air. I mentioned that I didn't want Mother to
get wind of my trip and put a stop to it. At this point, Sandr baldly
told me that I would be stupid to bring along any servants; I agreed,
though I didn't really care if Mother found out after the fact.
The trip was interesting, but I think altogether misleading.
Sandr began crying "incest!" (he was watching through the Trump) when he
saw one of the apparitions... I didn't know what to make of any of it,
but needless to say, incest was not my first thought. Right after Mother
brought me to Amber for the first time, I was very suspicious, and for a
while didn't hold with the notion of Fiona as my mother -- I even
mentioned it to Benedict during one of the first lessons I had with him,
but he gave me such a *look* I soon put that notion out of my mind. The
hair and the eyes are different, of course, but when I look in the mirror,
there is more than just an echo of resemblance between us in bone
structure and face shape. Add this resemblance to the very big question
of "why would Fiona lie and claim that Laughter is her daughter?", and I
found that my suspicions just ended up making me look foolish. I'm a
disappointment to her, I know. Trained in sorcery and what do I do? Cast
spells on my sword to make it more efficient, so it can take care of me if
the worst should happen on a Hellride. Attempt to make a "nosy spell," to
find my father, a man that Mother most pointedly does not want me to find.
Not the actions of the daughter Fiona believes she should have had, I'm
I went off in search of liquor after the Tir-na Nog'th fiasco, but
that really wasn't enough. I needed to talk to Elizabeth. She was
perhaps the only person in Shadow or Amber that ever understood me, and in
the years since her death, I have had need of understanding. I hellrode
to a Shadow where Elizabeth had miscarried Beauty and tried to talk with
her, but there it was useless. She knew only a Shadow of me, and I a
Shadow of her. I went back to Amber and drank the day away.
I made it back to the Castle for dinner and asked Julian if I
could join him on a hunt the next day. I rose at dawn and we hunted, he
in hot pursuit of an animal that we couldn't flush in a morning's riding.
I stopped him in the midst of forest and very stupidly asked him outright
if he was in fact the man who took me to Foil when I was a few days old.
He admitted this. Then I asked if he had witnessed the birth of my
mother's child, to which he replied no. Still caught up in the compelling
images I had witnessed the night before, I asked him outright if he was
lying. He spurred Morgenstern and left me in the dust. I'm not really
worried about this, however. Indeed, I do not wish to live with Julian's
wrath for the rest of my days, but it has been years since I came to
Amber, and he has resisted all attempts I've made to establish a
connection with him. Chalk it up to frustration.
I made a decision to talk to Mother about the whole thing, and
went to talk Bertram and James into delaying the weekly drinking party by
a day, with every intention of speaking to Mother that night. All they
could talk of was how the Chaosite that long-lost Cousin Archimedes had
brought along to Amber was standing at the door to the steps that lead
down to the Pattern. Curious, I decided to check it out. I questioned
him as to if he knew what was down there. Still as reticent as I had found
him to be at dinner the night before, I asked if he would like to see the
Pattern, and told Edward that I would take complete responsibility for
what might go on down there. About halfway down the steps, I had a brief
moment of trepidation -- what if this creature turned on me and spilled my
blood on the Pattern? The effects of that are grave. I gave Sequence a
little pat, and continued down, when I conceived of a notion that just
might find me my father. If I rewalked the Pattern and transported myself
to my father, I would most definitely find him. There had to be a hitch.
I resolved to speak to Mother as soon as possible.
Once down there, I stared at the Pattern, mildly enthralled by it
again, reliving in my mind the walk, the moment when I transported myself
to the Main Hall and simply laid down and laughed with sheer relief,
exhaustion and exhilaration.... It was in the middle of this thought that
Jubal stepped onto the Pattern. Amazed, annoyed and thoroughly confused,
I Trumped Mother and Random, though Mother was the one who ended up
At dinner, Mother explained what was wrong with my idea of
Pattern-walking to find a person, and I decided that the best thing to do
was to nix the decision to confront Mother after dinner; when I allowed
myself to think too hard about what the interview would be like, I wimped
out, to put it in the blunt and inelegant terms of the Shadow where I
attended university. Instead, I joined Ulysses and Kalyn in a tavern, and
held my liquor well until Sandr arrived. I quizzed him on what he thought
he had seen the night I went to Tir-na Nog'th, and we discussed at length
the question of the validity of what we are shown in the Amber of the sky.
Then I got exceedingly drunk, and went home to bed.
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