It all comes down to nothing.

	There's only one choice left now.  I have to find the courage to
make it.  I cannot sit by and watch this trial -- I don't remember what it
was called, and I don't really care -- go on.  I will not watch the two
people I love the most do this to me, or each other.

	I have a plan, but the cost is high.  I accept total
responsibility for all of the charges: oath-breaking, incest, and forced
infidelity.  This takes Aleksandr totally out of the picture.

	Don't think I'm taking the blame for him.  I know I'm guilty.  I
live with the guilt and pain I've caused every day since then.  I will set
foot upon the Fire Pattern, walking each curve with the weight of my
misdeeds solely on my mind.  And I imagine that the flames will rise
around me, condemning my soul to whatever metaphysical hell you wish to
believe in, as the fires char my body into ash.

	I'm ready to face the music.

	But there's the question of our child.

	My mother, estranged from my life all this time, is still my
mother, and to have her tell me of my pregnancy was the only thing keeping
me from collapsing in a fit of tears.  It's the one thing I feel truly bad
about -- finally locating and rescuing Aelle from Chaos, only to give up
my life hours later.

	Perhaps Benedict will allow me to carry the baby to term.  Or even
go off into a quicker Shadow and have the child.  More than likely, he
sees the child as an abomination, rather than a grandchild.  More than
anything, perhaps the child could serve to end this hostility between
Benedict and Sandr.  Perhaps between Benedict and Aelle, as well.

	My path is clear.

	Benedict will survive losing his daughter.  Perhaps his grandchild
will help ease that.  I'm not close enough to Aelle yet for this to make
her miserable.  I have no other attachments besides Sandr.  Quite frankly,
there are more people who need him in Amber than do me -- his daughter,
his husband, and his sister.  He wants to just kill himself and end this. 
I can't allow that.

	And when I'm gone, maybe, just maybe, the royal family of Amber
might be brought closer together.  Perhaps my sacrifice will have a
positive effect.

	Either that, or it all comes down to nothing.

	Until the morning, then.

<- Back to the Former PC Diary list