I cannot sleep. I thought that after a year, he'd know how I felt
about him... If I had a bit of patience, a tiny modicum of self-control,
I might have been able to hold on a bit longer and win him over. But it's
been over a year... and there's just something about Ulysses that I can't
explain. Mok's a great guy, but...he's not Ulysses. Sometimes I just
look at his Trump and imagine...
I know I made a fool of myself in my pathetic attempts to seduce
him. I couldn't control myself...it was in my blood. Maybe it was
influenced by Sandr's marriage. Ulysses had explained Sandr's sexual
preference to me, but I had always thought that there was a chance of
a...shall we say, change of heart. The wedding looks to have shut that
down, for all intents and purposes. I'm not about to try anything with
him, unless I was to get a direct and obvious signal. Sandr seemed
concerned that I was going to change how I react towards him... I made
sure he knew that I was just a bit shocked, and that I wouldn't look at
him any differently.
The usual Friday thing rolled around. Drinking with Merlin, Sky,
and Mok. I was bored, as usual. Merlin was crying in his beer about Sky.
Merle's a bit too flaky for my tastes. Anyway, I persuaded Mok to take me
somewhere to have a good time. He showed me how to work the Mecha and we
played "paintball." This amused me for a while, but beating Mok again and
again soon grew weary. He offered to take me to White Castle, a place to
eat, and I agreed. He also mentioned that this was Ulysses' favorite
hangout, so I Trumped him and asked him to join us. That he did.
Laughter eventually joined us and talked to Ulysses for a bit, but she
then left, and Mok was busy with the girl operating the frier, so I asked
Ulysses to take me home. We walked through Arden, chatting about the
original state of the forest, Julian, Brand, etc.
When we got back, I suggested we have some coffee, and he
suggested we go somewhere other than his quarters. I chose mine. Thus
began my blatant attempt to seduce him. I can't believe some of the words
I said, the things I did. I should respect his right to contemplate the
situation, to give him time to choose, but at that moment...I couldn't
Funny, when I look back upon the words I have just written, I
think maybe part of the problem was that I let my emotions take over. The
thing is, Ulysses said if I needed it *that* bad, that I should go find a
Shadow to take care of those needs. I didn't want to do that...I wanted
the real thing, not a fake.
I'm having a hard time distinguishing between love and lust. But
I'll give him some time. I've waited a year, I can wait a little longer.
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