Date: Thu, 21 Jul 1994 19:31:14 -0400 (EDT)
From: Wendi Strang-Frost <sodapop@maniac.us.itd.umich.edu>
Subject: Diary 17
To: "jason's amber" <shadows@umich.edu>
Message-ID: <Pine.3.89.9407211950.A1404-0100000@maniac.us.itd.umich.edu>
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Diary 17

	I dreamt about Paris last night and her cafes, of the Louvre's
halls, of scouring left bank for old books with Marie, imitating the
scowling gargoyles on Notre Dame.  It ended with the air raid at Monte
Carlo.  It's at times like these that I'm grateful I never studied
psychology.
	I shouldn't be surprised.  A peaceful nights' sleep couldn't be
expected after bearing my soul to another, at least not when it's as
stained as mine is.
	Last night was memorable, gardening puns set aside.  I must have
inherited my bedside manner from Random.  I'll not soon forget my night
with Lady Laughter, but given my past track record it won't last long. 
I'll enjoy it while it does and pray that she meets a better end than the
others have.  At least I know that war lies ahead of me this time.  Unless
Ulysses proves extremely creative, but I'm not willing to bank on it. 
Nothing is ever that easy.  I wonder if losing Amber will be any different
than losing any of the other shadows I've been in? I couldn't believe so
much time had passed on the plains when I brought Random and Vaille
through them.  They were empty and soulless and the air smelled wrong.  I
wish I had been less inclined to let that one go.
	What is the difference between fighting for a shadow or for
reality?  I've spent most of life outside of what passes for reality.  No,
crushing those that have trespassed against you is just as satisfying no
matter the location.  But I'm playing with real fire this time and I'm out
of my element.  No lasers, no machine guns, no explosives.  Just men and
metal.  I don't like those odds. 
	I wonder if we could mount an attack on Finndo via the trump?  If
that were the case, why hasn't he used it on Random and why didn't the
fucker kill me when he had the chance.  Just what kind of game are you
playing Finndo?  What does holding the Jewel of Judgement and sitting on
the Throne of Amber make you other than the worlds largest target.  I
guess I am just going to have to admit that it makes no sense to me and
probably never will.
	Like this new version of Jubal.  Now personally, I respect the
fact that people can change, but I must admit I've never seen so dramatic
a change over such a short time.  That and yet another of my cousins has
been to Rebma.  So much for the neighborhood.
	I have not the mind for all the puzzles that are set before me. 
I'll deal with the tangible, the things that I can touch and feel, like
the lady who drifted off to sleep by my side this evening.  Until
something is thrown across my path I will stick to what I know.  I will
take this army that Laughter has raised and I will teach it.  I will ask
Laughter to speak to Julian on the morrow and see if we cannot add yet
another brother to Random's cause, and if we do I will assault Gerard's
and Benedict's senses once again.  I have the feeling that if I could but
pick Benedict's brain on this, I'd have far better ground to stand on in
the battle to come.