AmberCon Northwest 2001 Quotes

"Dangerous Relations" by Murray Writtle

You are the flower, the veritable Rose d'Argent of 17th Century France!

Your patron, Duke Athos Corey, has retired to his Richelieu estates, now the good of France dictates he pass the baton to someone still in the prime of life. The Duke seems sunk in melancholy. The death of his sister perhaps still weighs heavy. The youngest of his cabal of one-time guardsmen, the finest blade who ever lived is no more. The legendary strength of Gérard Porthos fails and he is consoled only by his mistress. Cardinal Aramis Mazarin alone retains the legendary faculties that equip him to serve as the nation's Prime Minister, for the good of France. But there are rumours he will disband the elite Cardinal's Guard and in the name of unity allow those wastrel, dilettante Musketeer poodles to represent the flower of French chivalry. What a mockery! Their games grow more cruel and Athos and Aramis no longer speak.

Cast of Characters

"Someone must keep de Crecy in check." -- Hercule
"I will keep the young man in check!" -- LaSalle
"Go with them." -- Hercule to Ojier

"Where are the stables?" -- LaSalle
"Follow your nose, monsieur." -- Musketeer
"I did, monsieur, but I kept arriving at the barracks." -- LaSalle

"Five horses approach you. Three of them bear headless, bodiless riders." -- GM to ?

"You bastard Amberite!" -- Bernejeu
"I'm not an Amberite! I'm a Frenchman!" -- Hercule

"Pattern? What Pattern?" by Edwin Voskamp

The game is set in the beginning of the first book. Eric rules as Regent, Corwin has been gone a long time, though there are rumors that the intruder who attempted to assassinate Eric in the library a short while ago was Corwin, one of his followers, or his ghost.

Eric, officially in an attempt to strengthen Amber, has convinced his siblings to bring their (known) children to Amber, so that they may be protected, learn to use the Pattern and, it is hoped, eventually strengthen Amber in these times of need.

Cast of Characters

"Caine seemed receptive to Annelise, in that he didn't stab her in the back or anything." -- Deborah Donoghue to the group

"Caine has claimed Annelise, in that he brought her to Amber and set her up." -- Deborah Donoghue
"With who?" -- Kris Fazzari
"See, I was thinking that he framed her." -- Kingsley Lintz

"Anyone grow up in Amber?" -- GM
"Oh yeah!" -- Christabel
"To the extent that you grew up at all." -- Kingsley Lintz

"Christabel is wearing her 'Daddy's pissed' expression." -- Cort Odekirk to GM
"I'm sorry I sank your flagship when I stamped my foot." -- Kingsley Lintz, speaking for Christabel

"Father, I don't understand!" -- Annelise to Caine
"That's the idea." -- Kris Fazzari

"Christabel should have been dead a hundred times over." -- Eric to Nathan, as Christabel does cartwheels across the Pattern
"We've been saying that for years." -- Lily

"We were just discussing the possibility of all of us getting together and trusting one another. What do you think?" -- Bless
"That you've all gone insane." -- Lily

"You might not wish to tell me this now, there's an audience." -- Annelise to Isolde
"Um, Annelise, I don't think you're quite grasping this trusting thing." -- Bless

"Annelise's never been stabbed by Dad before. That was new." -- Deborah Donoghue to the group

"That was almost mean, except for the part where it felt good." -- Annelise to Isolde

"So we've given Brand the Jewel of Judgment, we've given Corwin Eric's head on a platter...." -- Lily
"It's Christmas time in Amber!" -- Christabel

"You always say when I do things that are questionable that I should ask you first, but, well, I forgot." -- Christabel to Gérard, after she helps rescue Brand and he chops Eric's head off

"Eric's head is dripping blood on the rug. Can you please get a rag?" -- Christabel to an unfortunate servant

"Vendetta" by Erik Florentz

It is summer, glorious summer. Random rules in Amber, Merlin reigns in Chaos, and the multiverse is secure and reasonably peaceful. Now, there is time to catch up on old business; now, is the time for revenge.

Cast of Characters

"He's paranoid but pleasant." -- Madeline to the group, describing Orlando

"Random hasn't been making it to your poker games lately. Bleys is a regular, though." -- GM
"That's good. I'll take his money..." -- Rhys
<snickering from Madeline Ferwerda and Bernie Hsiung>
"...Eventually." -- Rhys

"I hear (Rhys) didn't burn these pastries, like he did those two weeks ago..." -- Random to ?
"I didn't burn those! Those were pastries flambé!" -- Rhys

"Dinner for up to seventy-five hundred.... I don't have that many friends. I could have dinner for my enemies...." -- Morgan to the group, after winning at poker

"We're heading back towards Amber, Rhys." -- Orlando
"But I haven't seen the Grand Canyon." -- Rhys
"You don't want to see the Abyss. Don't you know the quote: 'If you look into the Abyss, the Abyss looks also into you?'" -- Orlando
"No." -- Rhys
"Now you do. C'mon." -- Orlando, riding off

"Where are you?" -- Morgan to Rhys over Trump
"We're near Flora's Shadow, where I was born." -- Rhys
"Can I ask why?" -- Morgan
"Sure, go ahead." -- Rhys
"Why?" -- Morgan
"I can't say." -- Rhys, smugly

"Oh, particle weapons are full of suckiness." -- Neil to ?

"Are things mostly the same except that Deirdre's splattered all over me?" -- Orlando to GM

"But I think we all came out ahead, because...Bleys had to shave!" -- Todd Worrell to the group, summing up

"Christmas in Amber" by Linda Cottrell, Erik Florentz and Andy Blija

As an elder-turned-younger your task is to help celebrate Christmas. You've got it - deck the halls, go a'carolling, and all that. Can you maintain good behavior long enough to collect your Christmas presents? Can you prevent a sibling from being on best behavior?

Cast of Characters

"If you would, don't throw those away - we're going to have to reuse them in a little while." -- GM Linda, after the players draw names out of a hat for the elder they'll be playing
"Oh boy - I sense a body-swapping session." -- Alexander Karls

"Plot amongst yourselves." -- GMs
"We can't plot 'til we know what we want. I want to be the oldest redhead, and there's really only one way that's going to happen." -- Brand

"Cute little villages, with smoke drifting through the early morning haze..." -- GM Linda, describing the view from the boys' bunk room
"We have clearly been shrunk and transported to some hellish dimension." -- Brand

"Princes of Amber do not wander around in pajamas!" -- Benedict, cracking his fist down on the breakfast table

"If I can make it to the forest, I can find Morgenstern." -- Julian "He would eat you alive!" -- Brand

"I presume you still remember how to pick locks?" -- Benedict to Brand
"I'll just kick the door open!" -- Julian
"You're eight years old! You couldn't kick open a cat door!" -- Brand

"Julian's a meanie! He scared me!" -- Random
"Yes, yes, he's horrible, now can we move on?" -- Brand

"The one guy I can physically intimidate! I'm milking this!" -- Brand, holding Random away while Random swings ineffectually at him
"Yes, Brand, congratulations, he's a six-year-old!" -- GM Andy

"You can see (your siblings) are doing a terrible job of chopping down the tree with those little hatchets. It would go much quicker with that saw you have." -- GM Erik
"Sucks to be them." -- Benedict
"Benedict's sulking." -- Camille Holthaus
"Damn right. I just stand there, leaning on the saw on the pole like it was wreathed with flowers, looking dour." -- Benedict

"I get on the ladder, go up -- six feet? Eight feet?" -- Julian, arranging with Brand for Random to take a fall while getting some of his stuff off a high shelf
"Eight might hurt him. Go ten." -- Brand

"Grandmother, they're not going to drop the tree on me, right?" -- Caine, screwing the tree into the stand while Eric and Corwin hold it up
"Of course I won't drop the tree on you." -- Eric
"Caine looks at Corwin and then says cheerfully, 'Ok!'" -- GM Andy

"I have nothing but love in my heart for you, my brother." -- Julian to Caine, sanctimoniously, after Caine gets in trouble for the fight Julian started between them

"I use my anger and hatred to keep me warm." -- Brand to ?

"Dinner actually runs smoothly. There's a cheerful feeling, no one's trying to kill each other.... Corwin's not chained up at the end of the table, half-blind...." -- GM Andy to the group

"(For his Secret Santa gift), Bleys made Caine..." -- GM Linda
"...a portrait of himself!" -- Doyce Testerman

"Right. The second try: we wait near the tree. When Santa comes, we jump him, tie him up...." -- Brand to ?

"Is the beard real?" -- Julian
"Want to pull on it?" -- GM Andy
"You don't tug on Superman's cape, you don't pull Oberon's beard." -- Doyce Testerman

"I guess we were supposed to spread some Christmas cheer...." -- Oberon
"Done." -- Benedict
"Like it was a mission goal...." -- GM Linda

"Julian, your package kind of wiggles in your lap." -- GM Andy
"I open it." -- Julian
"It's a puppy! A heck puppy!" -- GM Andy

"Luke and Merle's Excellent Adventure, Take 2" by Jeremy "Bolthy" Zimmerman

In an effort to explore the infiniteness of shadow, Merlin and Rinaldo, scions of Amber, created a device that would search through Shadow for certain parameters and deliver them to their lab for examination. The search parameters would describe figures from Shadow Earth's literature and history. [Yeah, hand-wave, hand-wave, hand-wave.] Unfortunately, their device never got tested. Or, so they thought.

Cast of Characters

RETURNING LINES:
"I walk in like I own the place." -- the Marquis

[What Are You Doing?]
"Casually explaining how much someone owes me for these nice gloves they've just given me." -- the Marquis to GM

[Foul, Murderous Witchcraft!]
"Most witches I know don't use phone booths." -- Buffy to ?

[OK, MORE Foul, Murderous Witchcraft!] "Is this...witchcraft?" -- Lady Macbeth
"It looks like faulty wiring." -- Buffy

[Such Loving Words as GM Truisms]
"You can always count on Bolthy for images you didn't want at 9:30 a.m." -- Kingsley Lintz
"You can count on Jeremy for that all day." -- Jennifer Crice

[To Continue in the Vein]
"Merle has a healthy porn interest." -- GM to ?

[True Story!]
"(I like) puppies, long walks on the beach, and H. P. Lovecraft." -- GM to ?

[If You Can't Beat 'Em....]
"I walk out like I own the place." -- the Marquis
"I follow like he owns the place." -- Belle

[Money Is No Object]
"It looks like she's going to steal something and I want to be there!" -- Belle regarding Jane

[Fame, or, again, if you can't beat 'em....]
"You're that Sarah...Whatchamahoozit!" -- NPC
"That's me." -- Buffy

[How To Deal With Tech Support]
"I'm calling regarding some defective equipment from Ghostwheel Industries." -- Buffy

[Explosives by Any Other Kaboom Would Smell As Sweet?]
"Anybody know how to disable an alarm?" -- Buffy
"I pull out my gun." -- Belle

[Going Down the List]
"You know what an explosion is." -- GM, pointing to Belle
"You know what an explosion is." -- GM, pointing to Jane
"You set the explosion." -- GM, pointing to V
"You know what an explosion is." -- GM, pointing to Buffy

[It's a Scroll of Identify!]
"I would say it was a magical...thing." -- Buffy to ?, quite confidently

[Words He Repeats on Sunday]
"There's an 'ooky vibe' going on." -- GM to ?

[The Evil Undead Slacker Menace]
"A zombie ate my homework?" -- Meera Barry, speaking as Buffy
"A zombie ate my teacher, actually." -- Buffy, correcting

[He May Be Merlin, But He Ain't No Wiz]
"We are unfortunates of (Merlin's) witchcraft." -- Lady Macbeth
"Most are...." -- (Florimel), as dryly as possible

[Random Casting Squabbles]
"...this weasely little guy comes in." -- GM
"Tim Roth?" -- Jennifer Crice
"No. Dennis Leary." -- GM

[If I Had A Dollar For Every Time This Happened To Me....]
"I'm going to try to stash the machete while they're talking. It's hard to look innocent with a machete in my hand." -- Belle

[Gérard's Reading Guide]
"F is for Flora, eaten by bears." -- Jennifer Crice
"That is...the Bears Football team, right?" -- Kingsley Lintz

[Look It Up]
"Where did you matriculate?" -- Jane to Buffy
"Once a month...?" -- Kingsley Lintz

[In Death or Alternate Universes May You Part]
"You're married." -- Jane to Lady Macbeth
"Not in this world." -- GM

"All Cats Are Kings" by Meera Barry

It is a time of peace in Amber.

His majesty, Oberon I, King of Amber, reigns in golden splendor. His seven wives, the Huntresses, provide in plenty the needs of the King and their children. The caverns of Rebma are quiet, their denizens wait for the evening air to fly far and wide across Amber skies.

The Courts of Canine lie quiet and still. With the demise of their King, the Black Pack has grown feral and hungry. Prince Benedict has used his speed and skill to keep the hounds chasing their tails.

Then, last night, there was a messenger....

Cast of Characters

[The Royal Way]
"Treaties exist for our convenience." -- Deirdre to ?

[My Inventory Includes: A Tongue!]
"I have a tongue. I don't need a bath, I have grooming as a skill." -- Deirdre
"I have a man who has a tongue." -- Florimel

[I Didn't Get One of THOSE!]
"Did you just launch a tactical nuke?" -- Doyce Testerman to Cort Odekirk

[Oft-repeated Requests]
"Can I blow up Flora?" -- Deirdre to GM

[He Moves in Mysterious Ways]
"I have a pinprick...an infinitesimal circle of light...of pity for my father." -- Bleys to ?

[I Can Hear OOC]
"Deirdre's not even there and she rolls her eyes." -- Cort Odekirk to the group

[Did We Mention Tactical Nukes?]
"I only have four more of them, so we should use them judiciously." -- Deirdre to the group
*pause*
"We should go before we get burned to a crisp by our sister." -- Bleys

[That's a Skill, That Is]
"This is a talky bit. That's your department." -- Deirdre to Bleys

[It's a Plan!]
"I don't think we should leave him here. We should leave him in several different places." -- Deirdre to ?

[Erm.]
"(Flora's) right." -- Bleys "Analyze that sentence." -- Deirdre, immediately following

[Amberites, They're All The Same....]
"(Bleys) has completely lost the egocentricity we're so infamous for." -- Deirdre to ?

"Luke and Merle's Bogus Journey" by Jeremy "Bolthy" Zimmerman

Prior to embarking on a dangerous mission to the Courts of Chaos, Luke R. Reynard, Esq. and Merlin "Merle" Corey set their construct to again summon figures from history and fiction to effect their rescue should anything bad happen to them.

Go figure: something bad happened to them.

Cast of Characters

"Of course French money is good in Hell!" -- Inspector Clouseau to ?

"What kind of games? I like games. I'll either scare them into cooperating or amuse them." -- Belle Star, on wooing demonic lords of Chaos
"They're amused. I'm scared." -- GM

"Something has attached itself to your finger." -- GM to Inspector Clouseau
"Is it biting, or mating?" -- Jennifer Crice

"Don't make me ignite you, woman." -- Suhuy to an oddly lucky Belle

"Suhuy is feeling me up!" -- Lady Macbeth
"You pays your money and you takes your chances." -- Belle

"What is it with you and 4's, Clouseau?" -- Madeline Ferwerda, after Randy Trimmer draws a unbroken series of 4's
"The 4's are strong in him." -- GM
*groan* -- everyone

"The downside of being the villain is, everyone is out to get you." -- GM to the group

"Pit of Vipers" by Guy Gascoigne-Piggford, Kristen Gibbs, David Golden and John Schleick

"The familiar bonds of love and friendship may be formed in mere moments, whereas a seething web of hatred and deceit takes years to create." - fatherly advice from Oberon

The one great truth in Amber is that you can't trust your siblings. While Zelazny told us this, we know very little of the early years in Amber and the cause of all those petty jealousies and hatreds. This game explores the nature of Amber's love and hate, trust and suspicion, truth and deception with brand-new elders where the players create (or more likely destroy) the web of trust and innocence. When dark things threaten and opportunity looms, will your new elders rise above their hatreds? Or will the cycle of Amber begin anew?

Cast of Characters

"You hurt my brother!" -- Briana
"Really? I forgot." -- Desdemona

"Hi, I hurt! Pretend you care!" -- Rebecca to Desdemona

"Take my hand...in a non-gay way." -- Clayton to Caleb, trying to get him to join a Trump contact

"A Comfy Night's Stay at the Happy Crossroads Inn" by Cort Odekirk

The rain drums a gentle staccato on the roof, seemingly in time with the gentle chords of the harpist in the corner. You settle back, sipping your ale drowsily and watching the serving boy methodically wiping down the adjacent table. Another server strolls by juggling a platter of frothy beer and carefully sets them down before a talkative crowd in the corner table. Standing, he casually whips the tray around and sends it skimming towards the older woman in the corner. Moving with a more grace than her advanced years and orthopedic shoes would suggest, the old woman leaps aside and returns with a volley of knitting needles, yarn balls and at least one mildly surprised looking cat. The tray, having been deprived of its primary focus, appears to have settled for rebounding off the wall and making a determined attempt at decapitating the harpist.

As the running and the screaming begin you find a comfortable spot under the table and find yourself wondering if perhaps, just perhaps, one shouldn't make use of shadowmaps one receives from large talking pickles after three day tequila benders.

Cast of Characters

"What's the view like?" -- Dryad, glancing out the windows of the inn
"Woods." -- GM
"And I suppose it's dark and stormy?" -- Darren Jaggi
"Oh yes!" -- GM

"It's about time to conjure a long, wet noodle." -- Lugdor to ?

"Ok, so your hair and the monkey are having it out." -- GM to Rafaela

"Perhaps we should go to the kitchen -- it seems less busy." -- Dryad
"Ok." -- Lugdor, eyes alight
"You get the idea that she wants to see your...manicotti." -- GM

"Do I have that item?" -- The Emperor of Alabama
"No, not on you, unfortunately. Evil doesn't always plan ahead." -- GM

"You are decked out in pasta like no one you've ever seen. It's like a whole summer camp had spent all summer on you." -- GM to Fiona, after she sorcerously convinced Lugdor of her majesty

"And I wrap up my inspiring speech with 'Serve me and I may let you live.' And then I sit down." -- Fiona to GM
"She looks like pasta and she says 'serve me'?" -- Becky Flesher

"The old lady -- first she wanted to hit you, now she wants to jump you." -- GM to Dworkin, after the Emperor sorcerously alters Granny Chastity's morality
"Yes! I am a Golden God!" -- Dworkin
"If you're nice, you'll take your teeth out...." -- GM

"Who's your Unicorn! Who's your Unicorn!" -- Dworkin to Granny Chastity
"Eeeewwww." -- everybody in the room

"The pasta guy opened up the door, said, 'Perhaps some pasta would help,' and suddenly you were covered in buttery noodles." -- GM
"If I had a dollar for every time that had happened...." -- Dworkin
"$12 appears in your hand." -- GM

"Two old guys in pasta fetish gear are wrestling." -- GM to ?, describing Dworkin fighting with himself

"There's a cat flying towards you -- then a duck -- then a cat-duck. You got hit by a cuck." -- GM to Prince Charming
"Meerak Quaraw!" -- Doyce Testerman, providing sound effects

"I'm the Unicorn, the Unicorn is me. I have chosen you to be my bride." -- Unicorn to Christabel
"From the bar you hear, 'DON'T DO IT!'" -- Dworkin

"What will I do about a wedding?" -- Christabel
"Oo! You could comb his hair, and braid it, and put flowers in it...." -- GM
"When I yelled 'don't do it!' I was talking to (the Unicorn)." -- Dworkin

"The Poohsticks of Avalon" by Jeremy "Bolthy" Zimmerman

In this mind-blowing sequel to "Nine Princes in the Hundred Acre Wood," the Fae have invaded the Hundred Acre Wood, causing mischief and mayhem to the companions of Christopher Robin. What does this have to do with Poohsticks?! Only time will tell!

Cast of Characters

[Under Dispute]
"This is really the wrong kind of game for any toy that goes 'Bzzzz.'" -- Kingsley Lintz to the group

[Now We Are At Peas]
"I now have two peas." -- Tim to ?
"If he puts them on the ground, he'll have peas on earth." -- Meera Barry

[Something Not Repeated on Sunday]
"The anatomy of Piglet always baffled me as a child." -- GM to ?

[Swervy Knaves]
"We're the Survey Crew." -- Goblin NPCs
"Sir Vey?" -- Gnurmy
"Isn't he a knight of the Round Table?" -- Tim

[Bargain Magpie Basement: Volume, Volume, Volume!]
"...and I have a yellow submarine - I'll give you that if you can get me several more." -- Maggie to ?

[Ingredients List: No Poohvillians]
"And it doesn't have us in it." -- Gnurmy
"Right. I'm interested already." -- Real Estate Agent NPC

"Ambition's Verge" by Jim Holthaus

Omens have chased you for days now - foretelling great change in the established order of things. It could be that the time for you to assume your proper Greatness in the kingdom is near. Gather your strength and your will. Perhaps Amber could be yours...or will your dreams of Power lead only to tears and darkness?

Cast of Characters

"If my brothers are the men of whom all men are Shadows, forget it!" -- Deirdre to ?
"There is an infinite variation...." -- GM
"Of jerks!" -- Robert Haight

"You see Corwin. He's wearing a dressing robe." -- GM to Deirdre
"It's not tied shut...." -- John Nienart?

(Corwin's custom is to demand who a Trump caller is before the image appears)
"Who?" -- Corwin
"Corwin...don't be a dick." -- Benedict

"Do you vouch for Brand's actions?" -- Corwin
"No, I vouch for that action." -- Bleys

"Where is the Jewel?" -- Corwin
"Safe." -- Benedict and Bleys, in unison

"I'm wise to these tricks." -- Brand, talking to his hallucinations
"Snap out of it, dickhead. It's us." -- Benedict

"The smell of burning human flesh fills the room." -- GM
"Wait! That was already here." -- Brand

"I apologize for taking somewhat precipitous action." -- Benedict to Brand, after cutting off Brand's hand

"Has a regent been named?" -- Mayor
"Not officially." -- Eric

"The Amberite standard response: When all else fails, bleed on it." -- Mike Sullivan and Karrin Dailey, in unison

"As if there were five aspects of Dworkin right now." -- Benedict
"Or he's just schizo." -- Deirdre

"We figured that the inane grin and drooling was a bad sign." -- Benedict, explaining why he snapped Brand out of a trance
"I was this close to figuring out what was going on!" -- Brand
"Oh, well, go back in again." -- Benedict

"I Trump Caine." -- Bleys
"It is accepted." -- GM, without consulting Caine's player
*long pause*
"...'kay." -- Bleys

"I stare accusingly at Brand. It just seems the thing to do." -- Deirdre to GM

"In Oberon's room, I found a shrivelled, mummified heart." -- Corwin
"Oh, is that where he kept it?" -- Deirdre

"Has any progress been made?" -- Eric
"Well, we lost Caine." -- Deirdre, helpfully

"Well, Osric's alive." -- Benedict
"Oh? What's he saying?" -- Bleys
"Bugger all, cryptic fucker." -- Benedict

"Bleys is on a 'diplomatic mission.'" -- Deirdre to ?, as Bleys is about to "get lucky" with Moire

"And Bleys? Where's Bleys?" -- Brand
"The tactful answer is 'researching with Moire.'" -- Benedict

"Hey, Brand, pay attention!" -- Benedict
"I am paying attention!" -- Brand
"To me!" -- Benedict

"Benedict, you're old enough, it's time we told you something about how babies are made." -- Deirdre to Benedict

"Are we aware of the repercussions of our actions?" -- Brand
"Well, of course not!" -- Benedict

"As your left foot steps off the line, a lance of pain shoots up your body." -- GM, right after Corwin declares his intention to stray from the lines of the Pattern
"Oh, wait, can I ask you a question?" -- Corwin

"Narnia" by Scott Acker

You are street children in London during the bombing raids of WWII. You discover a way out of the terror. What do you do?

Cast of Characters

"Hey, I have self-control! I'm 12!" -- Jonathan to ?

"You said you had fighting lessons." -- Roland the badger
"Fencing lessons!" -- Jonathan
"He knows how to put up fences." -- Anthony
"Stay back! I've got chain link!" -- Becky Flesher

"(The Witch) has a wand." -- Roland
"Does it make things explode?" -- Bethy
"Not that I know of." -- Roland
"Maybe she isn't German, then." -- Julia

"I was turned into an elephant." -- Anji to ?, describing mishaps in past Worlds
"He got better." -- Darren Jaggi

"But there's fighting here, too." -- Natalie, deciding whether or not to stay in Narnia
"Maybe there's fighting everywhere. Everywhere we've been, there's been fighting." -- Bethy
"Maybe it's us!" -- Natalie, aghast

"I'm starting not to like (the Witch) much." -- Anthony to ?
"You once liked her? Traitor!" -- Becky Flesher

"A Second Chance" by Meera Barry and Kingsley Lintz

"You wake up." You know that place in the beginning of the Amber series where Corwin wakes up and has no idea who or what he is? Hoo-boy, here we go again.

A little more seriously, you do wake up. Part of you didn't expect it. Of course, that part isn't talking to you right now....

Cast of Characters

"You're like King Eric. He watches us in the laundry and sometimes ogles us when we're naked." -- serving girl to Triangle
"Dude, I want to be Eric!" -- Arrow

"I've got a green rock and I know the way to the laundry room...in reverse." -- Arrow to the group, summing up his useful skills

"I'm not going to be able to hurt anyone (with this glave), but I can hit a stationary ham." -- Arrow to the group

"I pick up a tart on the way by." -- Arrow to GM
"You knave!" -- Star
"No, I want the fruit-filled kind." -- Arrow

"I read about Llewella. That explains (my) lack of tits." -- Arrow
"And wits." -- Triangle

"Oh mirror, why do I dress like a sleazy drag queen?" -- Arrow, who awoke dressed in a halter top and cut-off jeans
"Because you have the abs to pull it off." -- the mirror

"I've seen a lot of people blow up on this, but not...oh hell, let's go to lunch." -- Arrow to Square and X

Randal Trimmer to Doyce Testerman via cell phone at various points during the game:
"I think I'm Brand." Later. "I think I'm Bleys." Later. "I might be Fiona." He was Rinaldo.

"I'm not dying, I'm just not feeling well." -- Corwin to the group, as he lies bleeding into unconsciousness

"A Day in the Life" by Drew and Amy Wood

Years of diplomatic wrangling have finally led to a key breakthrough. The volatile Allance region nears stability, and a glorious state wedding of two of the Royal Houses should cement the peace. The sea palace of Reance shall host the festivities. Courtiers, nobles, young lovers, and agents of an entire region are gathered in one spot. Amber sends its young diplomats to ensure the treaty is signed and show its faith in the area's peace makers. The Church of the Unicorn is to preside. Surely good will shall flow like the riches to come from such a grand alliance. Right; and nothing could possibly go wrong.

Cast of Characters

"I thought Millard was a kind of duck." -- Roland
"You illiterate, violet-clad pooftah!" -- Millard

"Never marry someone who looks better than you." -- Michele Habermann to the group

"I hunt things and capture them alive so that the Princess may view them. And then I set them free." -- Reginald
"In contrast, I kill things that she may eat and thus not starve." -- Roland

"As bad as I am, I still have more warfare than a pheasant." -- Roland to the group

"I can feel my lungs." -- Roland
"That's a good sign, that means you're alive." -- Millard
"It feels like they have teeth." -- Roland

"This has been...worn thin." -- Reginald dramatically to the group, examining Morgan's obviously cut saddle strap

"Leather moths are bad this time of year." -- Reginald to the group, a short time later

"Never marry a man who has a more extensive wardrobe than you." -- Michele Habermann to the group

"Flesh Caught in a Broken Machine" by Jennifer Crice

In the years since the Patternfall War, there has been relative peace in Amber and with Chaos. On the evening of King Random's party celebrating the 50th year of his reign, a destructive act that mirrors the past will open the door to an unsuspected horror, a looming disaster, and a terrible choice for the children of the Elder Amberites.

Cast of Characters

"How many stories start out with 'There was a party in Amber and...'? It's like 'Once upon a time' except bad." -- Cort Odekirk to the group

"So what does (Elric) actually do? He goes to parties and...?" -- Madeline Ferwerda to Murray Writtle
"He's gorgeous! Do you know how hard that is?" -- Andy Blija

"Who raised her?" -- Jim Holthaus, regarding Melantha, Brand's 20-year-old daughter
"Mostly Fiona." -- GM
"Eeeeugh." -- Cort Odekirk and Madeline Ferwerda
"No wonder she's fucked!" -- Jim Holthaus

"(Everyone else can come into the presence of the King armed.) You, they strip search." -- GM, deadpan, to Lore
"Strip and bend over." -- Andy Blija, speaking for one of the guards
"Welcome to the best moment of your life." -- Lore, bending over

"Are there any sorcerers in the family other than Lore?" -- Madeline Ferwerda to GM
"You don't know how many games I've played him in where that question has been asked...." -- Cort Odekirk

"(Melantha) spews all over a floral arrangement, in an urn by the door. It's reasonably well-hidden." -- GM
"Good aim, kid!" -- Elsinore to Melantha

"If you have to go, go on the suit, that'll give me an excuse to get out of it." -- Gérard to Melantha, carrying her up to the infirmary

"OK, back to the party." -- Elsinore
"Drink heavily! It makes bad things go away." -- Lore
"It doesn't make Lore go away." -- Elsinore

"She Trumps out." -- GM
"I'm alone in Fiona's room! Tempting, but no." -- Lore

"I'm giving Fiona the 'Do I kill your daughter or not?!' look." -- Lore to GM, as Melantha walks along dripping blood on the Pattern

"Not to get back to unpleasant subjects, but..." -- Lore to Dworkin
"...Don't you get lonely?" -- Simon, master of the subtle change of subject

"Dworkin's (at the Primal Pattern)?!" -- Fiona
"Presumably, unless there's another hunchback with seven inch fangs!" -- Lore

"Don't you find that life grows empty?" -- Elric
"No." -- Elsinore
"I mean, 50 years!" -- Elric
"You could learn how to hang glide." -- Elsinore
"But there's no water involved." -- Elric
"Sail! I mean, there's all sorts of stuff to do. I do diplomacy, some. Simon kills things. Lore makes fun of people." -- Elsinore
"That's actually pretty accurate." -- Cort Odekirk

"Did you have a normal childhood?" -- Elric
"I had the most happy normal fucking childhood you could possibly imagine. You?" -- Elsinore

"Oh, great, there's an idea. I already don't know whether I'm in a dream or not - let's go to Tir!" -- Elsinore to ?

*slapping forehead* "I'm a conjuror! Want some clothes?" -- Elsinore to Elric, a half hour after waking up in their nightclothes in the snow

"We've also decided that it might be good if we didn't travel in the same pairs as the dreams." -- Lore
"No, I like this pairing." -- Elsinore
"Translation: 'Not with you.'" -- Andy Blija

"You can use magic. I will rely on furs." -- Simon to Lore
"Furs?" -- Madeline Ferwerda
"For warmth!" -- Andy Blija

"May I have something to drink?" -- Dworkin
"Fi pours him something." -- GM
"Mm! Mm. *smacks lips* Mm! What is this?" -- Dworkin
"Water." -- Fiona

"What is that? Speak up, voice in my head! I can't hear you!" -- Dworkin, as the GM attempts to murmur some information to him

"I can't actually animate the dead. I hear Flora can under the right circumstances." -- Lore to ?

"(Brand) hands Fiona a dagger. She takes it. She walks towards you." -- GM
"I'm perfectly willing to use Deirdre as a huge club." -- Tanya

"So, in summary, Oberon has no skin, and I'm with you." -- Lore to Random

"Flotsam & Jetsam" by Kristen Gibbs

"After the crow was eaten and the Pattern wrought;
After the battle, where family, friend, and foe were slain;
After the face in the sky portended a man's death,
And his dirge came soon after;
After the Unicorn appeared to choose the new King,
And he turned away the Storm.
What then, good family, comes of us?
A long trip home."

Cast of Characters

"There's a big problem here: Gérard's a guy, and Vialle is blind." -- GM to Flora, explaining the lamentable state of fashion in the castle

"eXcessive Force: The Tentacle Files" by Meera Barry and Jeremy "Bolthy" Zimmerman

A serial game in the Katie Karnage universe, wherein you can expect demons aplenty, tentacles, silliness, and innuendo. This year's offering is expected to run to fairly adult themes and situations.

In this episode, the eXcessive Force team meets the result of Brand Wanting Babes...and other unusual tentacle situations.

eXcessive Force members

"What could possibly go wrong?" -- OptiMiss
"Moonrider!" -- Moonrider
"I rest my case." -- GM Jeremy

"Katie's secret identity is 'Katie K. Arnage.' No one has ever seen through this...at least not without being thrown through a plate glass window." -- Kingsley Lintz to the group

"It's serial-killer Barbie!" -- Doyce Testerman to the group, after hearing Katie's description

"The Karnagemobile is also known as Kristine with a 'K'." -- GM Jeremy to the group

"I hate being the morning guy after Captain Hungry's on monitor duty. There's always mayonnaise on the buttons." -- Living Dead Girl to the group
"Or after Katie." -- Kingsley Lintz
"Or after Moonrider. That's not mayonnaise!" -- GM Jeremy

"Katie has a clock that used to be an alarm clock. Now it just goes, 'Ahem. Katie?'" -- Kingsley Lintz to the group
"It's an alarmed clock." -- GM Meera

"A place where no one has ever, ever wanted to go before. Down Captain Hungry's pants." -- Doyce Testerman to the group

"Sorry guys, it took me a while to get dressed." -- Doyce Testerman, speaking for Time Weasel as he arrives late wearing nothing but a trench coat

"Can't Amber be made of Nerf?" -- Time Weasel to the group, after getting smashed into things a lot

"I need to examine this more closely. Let me take out my probe." -- Kingsley Lintz, speaking for Time Weasel as he examines Flora's breasts

"(Time Weasel) is the unappealing flasher of which all other unappealing flashers are but Shadow." -- Doyce Testerman to the group

"I saw the barricades go up and I thought, geez, they knew we were coming?" -- Living Dead Girl to the group

"There's commotion in the Begman Palace." -- GM
"Of course. We've arrived." -- Doyce Testerman

"You actually think you're harmless, don't you?" -- Living Dead Girl to Katie Karnage

"I'm so glad we have super-heroes now." -- NPC General
"You're new, aren't you?" -- Living Dead Girl

"What are you doing (regarding the tentacled beastie)?" -- GM ?
"Kicking back the Kalamari." -- Captain Hungry
"I'm intrigued by the possibilities." -- OptiMiss
"Developing a marketing plan." -- Katie Karnage
"A lesser super-hero group might try to defeat them...we're trying to get them on our payroll." -- Living Dead Girl

"Katie's...mostly..." *bites lip* "...fighting (the tentacled beasties) off." -- GM Jeremy to the group
"That wasn't funny until you bit your lip." -- Doyce Testerman

"(The tentacled beasties) are specifically things man was not meant to know." -- Katie Karnage to the group

"We either need to stop this, or market it." -- Living Dead Girl to the group

"We've got to go in hard, we've got to go in fast." -- Living Dead Girl
"Shouldn't we probe the slit first?" -- Time Weasel
"We can be in and out in no time!" -- Katie Karnage
"I can do that!" -- Moonrider

"Do you wear something for protection (when entering the slit)?" -- GM Meera to Living Dead Girl

"All right, I'm going (into the slit)!" -- Living Dead Girl to the group
"Head first?" -- Kris Fazzari

"You've gotta wait. Give me 60 seconds!" -- Doyce Testerman, laughing hysterically
"That's what Moonrider said." -- GM Jeremy

"Ahead is a hallway of probing, writhing tentacles." -- GM Merry
"Wahoo! I charge!" -- Katie Karnage and OptiMiss in unison

"The buggles tipple my nipples." -- OptiMiss to the group, mispeaking

"That cannot be anatomically accurate." -- Living Dead Girl, looking at Moonrider's suit
"That's OK, it's not." -- OptiMiss

"(OptiMiss) has got an awfully satisfied look on her face. (Moonrider's) never seen it before." -- Kris Fazzari to GM Jeremy
"Are you sick or something?" -- Moonrider to OptiMiss

"Katie, do you want to borrow my...lance? You seem...tense." -- OptiMiss to Katie

"I've been going after the wrong person. It's not Moonrider I've been after...it's his suit." -- OptiMiss to the group

"My cheeks hurt." -- Doyce Testerman to the group, after a long laughing phase
"I haven't even started yet, baby." -- John Thenhaus

"I almost hate to ask, but am I getting any kind of penetration?" -- Living Dead Girl to the GMs

"I've never wanted to suffer amnesia so much in my life." -- Living Dead Girl, after Time Weasel strips naked

"Katie, what are you doing?" -- GM Jeremy
"Stopping Time Weasel." -- Katie Karnage
"Come on, I'm going to get some!" -- Time Weasel

"There will be no LARP (of this game)!" -- Kris Fazzari to the group

"(With this group) K'thulhu makes a sanity roll." -- Doyce Testerman to the group

Recurring quotes:

"Oooh, munchies!" -- Captain Hungry

"So remember kids, if Moonrider hits on you, tear him to bloody gobbets." -- Katie Karnage

"What could possibly go wrong?" -- OptiMiss

"Time to pop in." -- Time Weasel

"That's not mayonnaise!" -- everyone, at one point or another

"Hell Hath No Fury" by Sara Mueller

In the aftermath of the Black Road War, the fortunes of House Hendrake have fallen alarmingly. King Swayvill has made them the scapegoat for the loss of the war. General Lintra, the new 'Lord' of the House, must make a politically advantageous marriage to restore Hendrake's status. Her chosen quarry is Benedict of Amber. You have been dispatched to bring the groom to the wedding. There is one little catch...no one has told him about it.

Cast of Characters

"I have never broken a single one of your bones...." -- Krysos
"Well, no, never a single one." -- Rethul

"I have this urge to grow a hat." -- Rethul to ?

"It's a bit small, must be dug underground." -- Sig, regarding their first view of Castle Amber
"Maybe that's where they keep their eggs." -- Krysos

"The Castle isn't large compared to Thelbane, the Palace...." -- GM
"My outhouse..." -- Rethul

"This is the part where Benedict chops off my head." -- King Random
"We can show you how to grow a new one!" -- Vynned

"He's lovely, Mother, collecting?" -- Rethul, after discovering her mother is dating Bleys
"I like one of each." -- Rethul's Mother
"Yes, I've seen the museum." -- Rethul

"On exactly how many levels should I be referring to you as 'daddy'?" -- Rethul to Bleys, after discovering that he may, in actuality, be her father

"Hendrakes are there to keep the piece." -- GM
"Or, as it so happens, the pieces." -- Rethul

"You're sitting between Gérard and Caine, sort of between a rock and a...nasty, slippery place." -- GM to ?

"So, good luck, break a leg!" -- King Random
"Not literally Rethul." -- Krysos

"What would possibly make (Benedict) think he would need 100,000 men to protect him?" -- Tiernan
"Have you met us?" -- Rethul

"Nothing like having a 40 warfare and using it for filing." -- Krysos to ?

"I didn't see this coming, did you see this coming?" -- Vynned
"I wasn't looking." -- Rethul

"I think we can assume (Lintra) is a lot more intelligent than we are." -- Rethul to the group

"You would be surprised how distracting mass murder can be." -- Krysos to ?

"Roadmarks" by Amber Cook, Simone Cooper, John Schleick and John Worsley

"We are on the Road. It traverses Time - Time past, Time to come and Time that could have been and Time that might yet be. It goes on forever, so far as I know and no one knows all its turnings." Leaves, p.89

"I have been up and down that damned Road from the Neolithic to C Thirty. I have followed every side road, footpath and rabbitrun along the way. I am known in a thousand lands by different names. Yet in none of them have I found what I sought, what we seek." Leila, p.35

The Road is like any highway - endless miles of banal scenery dotted by the occasional service plaza or rest stop. What's extraordinary about it (and gives it the capital r) is where the exits lead and the people you meet along the way.

"(The people) are a strange breed. Exiles, refugees - people who can't go home and can't and won't adapt to a new land. Lost souls - people who can't find their ways home and are afraid to leave the Road. Jaded travelers - people who've been everywhere and now prefer a timeless, placeless place like this." Leaves, p. 134

Cast of Characters

"What is (Nicholas') daughter wearing?" -- Jim Holthaus
"I dunno. She could be in Britney Spears costume. You'll have to ask the GMs. She could be from the future - she does have an implant." -- Rob Haight
"Only one? Doesn't that make her...lopsided?" -- Pol Jackson, across the room
*stare, followed by laughter*
"I just heard 'Britney Spears' and 'implant...'" -- Pol Jackson

"(Billie's) a granola biker - listens to head banging folk rock..." -- Mike Schwarting
"Hey! I listen to that!" -- Pol Jackson

"Oh, my favorite's 'Yesterday.'" -- Caradoc, the medievalist, to the group, during a discussion of Beatles songs

"'Miles per hour.' But we're travelling through time -- so is it 'hours per hour?'" -- Pol Jackson to the group

"I'd like to say that I would like to go to a Hindi Burger Barn chess club shooting range." -- Pol Jackson to the group

"Well, it is a Hindu Burger Barn." -- Mike Schwarting
"Holy Cow, it's delicious!" -- Andy Blija

"Has anyone gone to look for the lady with the bike (who Ardash tried to kill earlier)?" -- Thomas, noticing that Ardash is missing
"Well, I claimed to be going to the can...." -- Ardash
"Can I borrow a gun? I'm going to the can." -- Jim Holthaus, speaking for Ardash

"Simone, I love how you piss a player off...and then go the extra mile!" -- Andy Blija to GM Simone, after the game wrapped up

"So I ended up teleporting into the same space as the shapeshifter, hoping that he would just be displaced, but instead we both got turned into chunky giblets." -- Alexander Karls, retelling the telefragging story from Cort Odekirk's "Sunny Delight" game of ACNW 2000

"He liked things like increasing the chances that meteors would hit the opposing armies--throwing big rocks around. He was pretty much the walking Pattern railgun." -- Doyce Testerman, talking about Randy Trimmer in an unknown game

"We woke up unconscious." -- Cort Odekirk describing the beginning of Meera Barry and Kingsley Lintz's "A Second Chance" to Murray Writtle and Emma Sansone

AmberCon Northwest

Kris' home page | Kris' RPG page

  Hellriders have passed through here since November 21, 2002.

Done by Kris Fazzari.

Game descriptions taken from AmberCon Northwest 2001 Gamebook.

Quotes taken by myself, Meera Barry, Madeline Ferwerda, Cort Odekirk and Michael Sullivan.

Comments in [] supplied by Meera Barry.

Last modified on November 21, 2002 by Kris Fazzari.