Sometimes I don't know who is more infuriating, Mom or Dad. I was talking with Dad about Amber's Pattern, and he mentioned that I wouldn't necessarily die if I walked it. Then he broke the contact. Damn it! What could he be talking about? The only people who can survive Amber's Pattern are Dworkin's descendants. And I can't be one of those! Why did he say that and then leave me wondering? Derek and I were chatting when Etienne arrived. I was hoping that he was there to talk to Derek, but no such luck. He greeted me by name and made it obvious that he knew I and Melanie were one and the same. I guess he either talked to Nicholas and Suhuy. It was an enlightening conversation. He wanted to know why I lied about my identity in Amber. And why I didn't reveal myself to Nicholas when requested. I explained my reasons, and he seemed to find them sound. He said he wished to make sure I would make a good addition to Hendrake. Not that I need his approval. Interestingly enough, he hasn't taken the Logrus yet. He's planning to do so soon, and asked about my experiences. I didn't want to talk about it. I'd rather forget that particular part of my life. It wasn't very pleasant. I changed the subject and asked him about Brand's attack. The most interesting thing I learned was that Bartholomew disappeared for some time after the battle. When they attempted to contact him, they were blocked by our seal. When Bartholomew returned, he claimed he was with Dara, but wouldn't say much else. Both Etienne and I think it's likely that the Bartholomew who returned to Amber is really a disguised shapeshifter. Etienne's been trying to get him to walk the Pattern, with no success. If the Bartholomew in Amber is an impostor, than the real one is probably still being held here. I hope he's miserable. It would serve the bastard right. Still, if Dara was using our seal to place blame on us, someone should be informed. Etienne wanted to know why I don't trust Nicholas. I explained that he is outlawed and wanted by us for the deaths of some of our nobles. I'll admit, I'm not sure why he was originally outlawed. We also discussed Jacob and Edward. Etienne isn't convinced Jacob actually hurt Brand, since the only proof is Brand's scream, and he could have been faking. Perhaps, but it wasn't until Jacob joined Morgan in fighting the thing attacking me that it actually screamed and died. Etienne doesn't trust Edward, because he's too helpful. I agree that sounds suspicious. Then again, any son of Dworkin is automatically suspicious. Funny that I never came across him in my explorations. Etienne wanted to know a few things in return for his information. Specifically, why was Nicholas outlawed, what Dara is up to, and what really happened to Bart? They seem harmless enough, so if it is within my power I will find the answers. Especially since I'm curious as to the answers myself. The first one should be easy enough to learn. I've assigned some people to researching it. The other two are no doubt tied together and will be more difficult to find out. But I'll try. Etienne possesses an interesting blade. It has Pattern in it. I asked him how a Chaos Lord came to have such a sword. He said some employers can be generous. What amazes me is that he actually carries it. Most of us would find such a blade a liability. One cut, and you could be destroyed by your own weapon. Why doesn't this concern Etienne? I Trumped Mom. She was still in the middle of the Abyss, dealing with the strange Pattern energy. I asked if she knew what caused it and suggested Brand might be responsible. She said it seemed more like someone had propelled themselves through the Abyss with something very powerful, like a Spikard. She asked if I knew anything about that. Um, er, well... I changed the subject. Mom called Spikards evil. She says they corrupt their owner. Where does she get these ideas? My Spikard wasn't corrupting me. Far from it. It protected me. Merlin was definitely the one who turned it off, though. Mom says she couldn't figure out how to remove it without destroying me. Well, it was pretty intertwined with me. Unfortunately, this means that if most people try to take it from me, I'll die in the process. Not a comforting thought. You'll never guess how Mom knows Merlin. She dated Mandor, before she met Dad. Just the thought of Mandor gives me the creeps. Him and Mom? Yuck. My connection to Vialle is more palatable at least. Apparently we have relatives in Rebma, and she's one of them. I asked to join Mom for my next question, since I didn't really want to be discussing my possible Amber connection over Trump. She brought me through to her. What she was doing is just incredible. Logrus tendrils were interlaced for miles, finer than anything I've ever been able to manage. Her skill is impressive. I told her what Dad said. She told me Dad's father is unknown, and Dad thinks he was an Amberite. Huh? The odds of that seem poor. Unless there's more information. Mom didn't know. I guess I'll have to ask Dad. Dad was busy working on some armor, but he brought me through. I told him about the incident with Bartholomew and the use of our seal. He said that would indicate Bartholomew was being held in one of our ways. Dara apparently is good friends with Lady Blue, who is absent right now due to her pregnancy. Perhaps Dara used her quarters? Dad couldn't say. He doesn't really like the political stuff anyway. Neither do I, normally, but I said I'd look into this. I guess I need to talk to the political liaison next. We need to determine if Dara acted with Blue's knowledge or not, so we know was responsible. I questioned Dad again about why he thought I'd survive the Pattern. At least this time he couldn't cut me off. He told me pretty much what Mom did: his father was unknown. As I suspected, though, there is further proof. Dad has a Pattern dagger, which he got from Caine in exchange for one of his weapons. He sliced his hand with it. This made me quite nervous. I mean, logically I knew he must have done this before, but part of me still expected his blood to spark into flame. It didn't, so I steeled myself and pricked my finger with the blade. No fire. I don't think I can get any more conclusive proof than that, short of walking the Pattern. Dad doesn't know much about his father. Grandma only talked about him once while she was alive, and she didn't give a whole lot of detail. My grandfather was tall with dark hair, and she met him 150 years ago. Unfortunately, there are several Amberites who could fit this description: Julian, Gerard, Eric, Corwin, Oberon. I wonder if I'll ever know who it was? Dad might never have even known his father was an Amberite, if it wasn't for Caine's chance remark that he bore a resemblance to Oberon. So now what do I do? I'm still having trouble dealing with this idea. How can I be an Amberite? I'm a Lady of Chaos! How can I be two opposites? I should ask Merlin about this. He must have gone through something similar. Of course, he knew about his Amber heritage all his life, he didn't learn about it like this. I wonder if Suhuy knows? It might explain why he took an interest in me. Dad's not sure what I should do. He's never done anything about it himself. I suppose I now have the right to walk Amber's Pattern. The question is, do I want to? Dad's never tried. It's hard to imagine Pattern and Logrus coexisting in one mind, but Merlin and Nicholas have obviously managed it. And judging by Morgan's description of the experience, it sounds like taking the Logrus was far more difficult than walking the Pattern. Which is fortunate, since I will never take the Logrus again. Nothing could possibly persuade me to repeat that experience. I wonder if Etienne is an Amberite as well? If he has Amber blood, he wouldn't need to fear cutting himself on his sword, since his blood would not ignite. Dad's demonstration proved that most effectively. I'll have to see what I can find out about his parentage. My research on Nicholas turned up little that I didn't already know. Apparently he was able to remain in Chaos as long as he did, because few knew of his origins. Once Barimen learned he was Brand's son, we outlawed him. He killed the men sent after him by destroying the shadow that they were standing in. Details on the incident are very sketchy. I told my researchers to keep digging. I also asked them to find out anything they can on Etienne. I told Lucretia about the circumstances of Bartholomew's disappearance. She pretty much blew me off. She claimed it was being taken care of, and wouldn't give me any information. Something weird is going on here. I don't like it. Merlin had some time to talk to me. I asked for his help with the Spikard. He showed me to activate it, but I had trouble following it. I'm beginning to suspect that my difficulties with the Spikard are more due to my lack of sorcerous knowledge than my inexperience with the Spikard. Suhuy was right. I should have paid more attention to him. I intend to make up for that, post haste. Merlin cast a spell on the Spikard that prevents it from intertwining itself with me, provided it's cast just before I put it on. I decided not to waste the spell and put it on. Mom will probably be pissed. Merlin's willing to teach me more tomorrow. I'll be there. I've never been great at intensive study, but I've got to learn how to use this. Or give it up forever. And I won't do that. I also told him that my blood doesn't ignite when touched by a Pattern blade. He seemed pretty sure that means I've got Amber blood. He didn't think I'd have any difficulty walking the Pattern, even though I've taken the Logrus. Apparently it's safe to do it in that order. However, walking the Pattern and then taking the Logrus will drive you permanently insane. How comforting. I wonder who the unfortunate soul was who determined that? I need to ask Derek what he knows about Etienne. Then I need to talk to Suhuy about catching up on my sorcerous training. I doubt I'll be able to stay for long, but hopefully he can give me enough to work on while I'm in Amber. I need to go back there and apologize to Marcus, anyway. And maybe walk the Pattern.