But that's the problem with emotions -- it's very hard, when gripped by one of the more powerful in the range a man can feel, to not ignite the fire of them all. Frustration fuels anger, resent, the gamut of some of the worse things one lets flow through them. At this point in things, I needed this time to myself, as I knew no one else there would understand. Not Shen, though he would be close -- his soul is so genuine and pure. Not Fletcher, not Stark. Maybe Cecily, as I know her determination and anger is piqued by the thought of her brother missing. I almost got up to find her.
Admitting one's weakness in this group is just too dangerous, though, and rather than trying to find comfort by speaking my peace with one of my companions, I lie there, raging against the unfairness of it all, not knowing how close we'd seem to bonded until the absence of her hit me, hit me hard, making me taste bile in the back of my throat. I care for the girl, and I'm not sure how much more than just that, and I think she's in that same limbo.
Now I may never know. I, like Cecily, was eager to jump to the chase, to find what had happened to Syrana and Harry, or Salome, or Rhiannon. Circumstances are not allowing for that, and now what little solace we have left is to press on for Amber, and hope that those great magics that make up the Pattern there will grant us access to the Shadows. Reynard and Merlin have a similar interest in getting to this homeland -- I think they are much like us, just years ahead.
My thoughts kept flipping back to Allemain, where she had told me, "I don't like to think of you, that way"; "that way" being my comments to feeling old. I hadn't thought it to be a huge problem, but then again, those who care never do until they are faced with the very real possibility that there may be no time left for them.
*****
If it were not for the fact that I alone have no ability to navigate, I would have left by now. For as much progress that our intrepid band seems to make, I find myself being little more than a mute passenger following along in our caravan towards Amber. How it has come to this, I know not, but my traveling companions and circumstances are not making this pleasant.
In an attempt to offer us options, I thought back to those originally given us by Llewella -- one being to make our way to Ygg, the "world tree," beyond which the hope existed that a Trump card of Amber may be able to be activated. When I suggested this, it was ignored. Surely the card will burn up, and Reynard would have tried this already.
As a musician and vocalist, a common nightmare is that one has lost one's talent, and has no voice. Sitting there as ego (or ignorance, I could not decide which) reigned, I then fully realized that there wasn't much point to even trying to contribute anymore. Someone's decided that they'll be calling the shots, and a sharp look and dangerous words will keep the sheep in line. As the arguing and chest-thumping continued, I withdrew into my chair, pulling my cloak around me. I may not be invisible, but I can close my eyes and pretend.
I could only roll my eyes at the delicious irony that came when I'd realized that the plan finally suggested in the end, and decided on, sounded suspiciously like my own.
The Crown Prince, through our newfound relation, is a much more relaxed and easygoing individual. Funny how his personality here seems so much different from what is told back in the Realms, though I would not put it past either Merlin or Korbin to have arranged things in that fashion. He and Reynard seemed to be friends (though there was allusion to a great complicated backstory) and, working together with the strange mirror, were able to deliver us to Ygg.
If the tree still had been standing, it may have been the greatest sight of my life. Instead, the great trunk lie dying, the nooks of which seemed many animals had made homes of. It did not take our new friends to tell us that this did not bode very well. Noting this, we continued on again, cautious and subdued. When we'd finally stopped, we were at the fringes of a great wooded land. Reynard said we may be as close as three-quarters there. Were we close enough? I suppose either he or Merlin would give the word for the attempt. My mind began to race with the possibilities of what we would find there.
I could not stop thinking of finally getting to Amber, and using the great Pattern artifact to help navigate through the Shadow worlds. By that time, I'd have no more need of anyone else, though I would miss most of them and their company. I just hoped that Syrana had not left the side of whomever she'd been stranded with...
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