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I have lost three out of my four grandparents. You'd think I would have learned by now. I was just a kid when my Paca Died, about twenty when my mother's mother(Kathryn) passed away, and it was only this past late summer that my other grandma(Paca's wife, Maxine) died. I don't know how to take the effects. I really don't. I remember regreting not spending more time with both of my grandmothers. Both times it was too late. I feel sadness that I would much like to escape when I think of grandma Maxine. I so much wanted to show her that I had grown up. I wanted her to see that I was responsible and not spoiled as she had said to my older brother years gone by. I never asked her about it- never wondered if her opinion had changed. I wanted to show her, "Look, I am doing this on my own." I wanted her to be proud of me at least as much as I want my father to be proud of me. Time. We always seem to have time until it has gone by. I could have gone and visited her more. Even thinking about her now, it is hard to believe that I won't see her again. Perhaps she did change her opinion of me. She started calling me her little baby. I told her I loved her, but it never seems enough. Never. I'm doing it again. My grandpa is the only one left, and I don't go as I should, to see him. Maybe it is out of fear of mortality or being shown what the future holds. Maybe it is simply because I don't know what to talk about. I don't know. I only know tha I don't want to feel the same way that I do with my other grandparents- incomplete.
I think we often turn our backs ot things we care deeply for. Whether out of fear, or simply not knowing how to deal with the situation, we run, hoping that by distancing ourselves from it we can avoid confusion, or worse, pain. You'd think we would have learned by now. |