The Goddess's Spectacular Archives of Indisputable Truths And Debates Thereof

or, as the Dervish would say,

The Not-Quite-Great Schism

Yes, like all worthwhile religions, this one too has a bit of a seamy underbelly. But in this case, a full one. Our schisms are profound, and have a deep impact on all our lives. Or at least they would if we weren't all so ... so ... silly.

As I have said before, this religion needs a dietician more than a theologian. Or maybe they're one and the same. Read on....

Ancient History

Once upon a time it was said that a division arose between the Goddess and her faithful Chief Dervish. The Dervish spake unto the Goddess, saying "Did you have any breakfast this morning?" for the Goddess is truly whimsical and sometimes forgets to eat and makes herself sick that way.

And the Goddess did reply, "Yes, I had a Pepsi."

And the Dervish was dumbfounded, saying "a Pepsi is not a meal."

And the Goddess said, "Yes it is."

And the Dervish said, "No it isn't."

And the Goddess said, "Yes it is."

And the Dervish said, "No it isn't."

And they continued in this way for some time.

And eventually the topic switched to Coke, and whether a Coke was a meal, but the differences remained.

The Dervish, however, realized that perhaps if all the worshippers banded together, the Goddess might be brought to seeing the error of her ways....

An informal poll conducted by the Dervish revealed uniform support from all worshippers polled -- until....

treachery ... deceit ... outright favoritism ....

A number of worshippers changed sides when they discovered just exactly where the Goddess stood on the issue.

Only a courageous few retained the courage of their principles to stand with the Dervish.

And that is where things stood when the Ancient History ended, and Recent History began....

Recent History

The Goddess, April 22, 1996, 2:50 PM

...and coke is too a meal!

The Dervish, April 22, 1996, 2:53 PM

...of course it is. in combination with, say, rice or chicken, for example. ;)

Pope G.I.T., April 22, 1996, 3:14 PM

a regular coke is a meal, but not a diet coke.

The Dervish, April 22, 1996, 4:03 PM

what? changing your tune are you? well, not me, dammit ... a schism won't work without *two* sides.... :)

Sacrificial Altar Boy, April 22, 1996, 4:12 PM

A Coke is still not a meal. If a Coke was a meal, I'd be a hobbit. :)

Judicial Champion, April 22, 1996, 4:12 PM

Quick, check his toes for hair!

The Dervish, April 22, 1996, 4:12 PM

yay! the schism survives!

Pope G.I.T., April 22, 1996, 5:11 PM

<poke> to the dervish. that has always been my opinion of the issue. <poke> <poke> <poke> why can't a schism have three sides????? <poke> <poke> <poke> <poke>

The Goddess, April 22, 1996, 5:35 PM

of course. in any schism there is the correct side, and all of the poor misguided souls. we can be tolerant of the chief dervish...and all his poor, misguided flaws. 8^)

Editorial Note from the Dervish, May 11, 1996


Official Smiter, April 23, 1996, 2:41 AM

I don't see how you could call a coke a meal. it doesn't fill you up.. ok it may give you a little bit of calorie intake but it's not enough. maybe because my metabolism is fairly fast if I just have a coke for a meal I start feeling dizzy and tired and really fucking hungry

Pope G.I.T., April 23, 1996, 11:53 AM

regular coke has a zillion calories and taste like syrup, and thus i believe it constitutes a meal. or at least a snack. diet coke (tho i'd prefer pepsi) is basically colored carbonated water with some flavour thrown in, and thus does not constitute a meal.

tho when in doubt i defer to the opinion of the goddess, of course. :)

Sacrificial Altar Boy, April 23, 1996, 12:32 PM

I would be willing to compromise on the "snack" point. I do, however, stand by the statement that a Coke is NOT a meal.

Anybody got a dictionary handy? What does it say under "meal"?

Pope G.I.T., April 23, 1996, 12:57 PM

this opens up a whole new line of theology, tho...when does a snack become a meal? you could eat, say, a strand of spaghetti, and that wouldn't be a meal. but if you ate a whole pile of spaghetti with some sauce thrown on top, that's a meal. the theological implications boggle the mind.

High Priestess, April 23, 1996, 3:54 PM

it could be like morning and just have a relative meaning

The Goddess, April 23, 1996, 11:03 PM

ah, yes controversy! schisms! bwahahahahaha!

Chief Dervish, April 23, 1996, 11:17 PM

i could be really chintzy and pick a semi-random definition of "meal" but I won't (*my* dictionary says "the portion of food taken at one time to satisfy appetite" -- sorry, Coke, staff of life though it is, isn't *food*).

A Disinterested Fourth Party, April 24, 1996, 10:33 AM


1. meal \'me-(*)l\ n [ME meel appointed time, meal, fr. OE m<a-e>-l; akin to OHG]ma-l time, L metiri to measure - more at MEASURE 1: the portion of food taken at one time to satisfy appetite 2: an act or the time of eating a meal

2. meal n [ME mele, fr. OE melu; akin to OHG melo meal, L molere]to grind, Gk myle- mill 1: the usu. coarsely ground and unbolted seeds of a cereal grass or pulse; esp : CORNMEAL 2: a product resembling seed meal esp. in particle size or texture

Looks like under the first part of definition 1, Coke could be considered a meal, if you have that kind of an appetite. :)

Chief Dervish, April 24, 1996, 11:16 AM

...I'll still balk at defining Coke as food, I think. Gotta keep the schism alive.

! The Ghost, April 24, 1996, 11:40 AM

by that definition, if coke satisfies your appetite, it is a meal. i would doubt this, however.

Pope G.I.T., April 24, 1996, 12:09 PM

geez. now we're gonna have to define food too...

That Same Disinterested Fourth Party, April 24, 1996, 12:56 PM

food \'fu:d\ n [ME fode, fr. OE fo-da; akin to OHG fuotar food, fodder, L] often attrib panis bread, pascere to feed 1a: material containing or consisting of carbohydrates, fats, proteins, and supplementary substances (as minerals) used in the body of an organism to sustain growth, repair, and vital processes and to furnish energy; esp : parts of the bodies of animals and plants consumed by animals 1b: inorganic substances absorbed by plants in gaseous form or in water solution 2: nutriment in solid form 3: something that nourishes, sustains, or supplies

See definition 3. :)

Pope G.I.T., April 24, 1996, 1:12 PM

okay, coke is food and can be ingested and thus can be a meal! yay!

Sacrificial Altar Boy, April 24, 1996, 1:27 PM

Ah, but do we go by the letter of the law, or the spirit of it?

I emailed Coke on this. Still awaiting a response.

Chief Dervish, April 24, 1996, 1:55 PM

obviously, we go by whatever leaves me at the correct end. :)

Pope G.I.T., April 24, 1996, 3:01 PM

wow! the dervish is usurping the authority of the goddess? (notice how i left off the "chief" part, since he'll probably be demoted now. :)

Chief Dervish, April 24, 1996, 3:15 PM

now, she never claimed to be infallible, just whimsical. :)

...besides what authority? ;)

Pope G.I.T., April 24, 1996, 4:59 PM

ooh! how dare you insult the goddess!!!! <poke> <poke> <poke> <poke>


Judicial Champion, April 25, 1996, 12:26 AM

Now, the Goddess for all Her glory is not infallible. If She were, then She would be a boring sort of demiurge. The Goddess is fallible and thereby cool; for instance, this allows Her the honor of sacred non-sequiturs. It's like Norse myths-- who's more interesting, oh-so-perfect Balder or Thor? Who would you rather hang out with (cool comic books notwithstanding)?

Chief Dervish, April 25, 1996, 12:31 AM

...hey, if *I* don't insult the goddess, who will? :)

I offer this as proof as her fallibility: if she were infallible, she would know that *I*'m right about the sacred schism. And admit so. Publicly. ;)

Official Smiter, April 25, 1996, 12:37 AM

coke is a beverage and beverages aren't meals... hhhrrrmpp!

Judicial Champion, April 25, 1996, 1:04 AM

Coffee is a meal.

Chief Dervish, April 25, 1996, 1:05 AM

Coffee isn't a meal unless you chew the beans by the handful, in which case you're working *way* too hard to get your meals.

Judicial Champion, April 25, 1996, 1:07 AM

Most things that would ordinarily be inedible automatically become such once Tabasco Sauce is added. Trust me on this one, I went to Bug Camp. Coffee = very cheap, very quick meal = substitute for sleep

Pope G.I.T., April 25, 1996, 8:52 AM

that would depend on how much sugar and stuff is added to the coffee. i can't really judge, cos i hate coffee, and i'm not going to martyr my taste buds to figure it out.

how can the goddess be infallible if she declared my adverbs infallible (notice how i don't use them often)? and even if she *is* fallible, that doesn't mean she's wrong in this particular instance.

don't despair, oh great and chocolatey indigo! i'll forever be your humble servant, and will acknowledge your greater wisdom in life's important issues like the current troubles we face.

Chief Dervish, April 25, 1996, 12:57 PM

...are we talking about the same goddess here? ;)

Pope G.I.T., April 25, 1996, 2:07 PM

as the official goddess-in-training, i humbly must take the place of her low-maintenanceness in her absence and offer the following:

<poke> <poke> <poke> <poke> <poke> <poke> <poke> <poke> <poke> <poke>

<poke> <poke> <poke> <poke> <poke> <poke> <poke> <poke> <poke> <poke>

<poke> <poke> <poke> <poke> <poke> <poke> <poke> <poke> <poke> <poke>

<poke> <poke> <poke> <poke> <poke> <poke> <poke> <poke> <poke> <poke>

<poke> <poke> <poke> <poke> <poke> <poke> <poke> <poke> <poke> <poke>

<poke> <poke> <poke> <poke> <poke> <poke> <poke> <poke> <poke> <poke>

<poke> <poke> <poke> <poke> <poke> <poke> <poke> <poke> <poke> <poke>

<poke> <poke> <poke> <poke> <poke> <poke> <poke> <poke> <poke> <poke>

<poke> <poke> <poke> <poke> <poke> <poke> <poke> <poke> <poke> <poke>

<poke> <poke> <poke> <poke> <poke> <poke> <poke> <poke> <poke> <poke>

<poke> <poke> <poke> <poke> <poke> <poke> <poke> <poke> <poke> <poke>

Chief Evangelist, April 25, 1996, 4:08 PM

Geez, looks like a Commodore 64 machine language program....

Anyway, I have been forced to rethink my position on this argument.

Judicial Champion, April 25, 1996, 4:12 PM

Look at it this way: we eat things like macaroni and cheese, ramen noodles, and Chef Boy-ar-dee all the time. Now, if we were real adults and made plenty of money, we wouldn't consider these real meals. Therefore why should a Coke or a cup of joe be any different?

Chief Dervish, April 26, 1996, 1:57 AM

er ... because I say so? No? Gimme a second to think about it.

<dervish> Because *I* say so. </dervish>

That's better.

Besides, drinking Coke without eating anything upsets my stomach to a seriously painful degree, therefore it *can't* be a meal by itself.

The Goddess, April 26, 1996, 3:27 PM

or you just have a sensitive stomach. brought on by the realization that you're *wrong* about the coke schism.

it is too a meal.

and i never claimed infallibility for me......8^)
nor much in the way of authority.
but i commend the pope GITs virtual pokes to the ribs anyway. 8^)

Pope G.I.T., April 26, 1996, 3:55 PM

glad to be of service...especially when it involves poking kyle in the ribs. :)

Editorial Note from the Dervish, September 25, 1996

...kyle = me

High Priestess, April 26, 1996, 5:04 PM

as long as it's only in the ribs </crass>

i remove myself from the schism as being unqualified to comment on the mealness of carbonated beverages as i can only tolerate said beverages when accompanied by pop or pizza.

Pope G.I.T., April 26, 1996, 7:05 PM

i thought that *was* a carbonated beverage!

High Priestess, August 4, 1996, 3:48 PM

i hereby give notice that my position on the pop as a meal controversy has changed. in that i did have a pop as a meal today, and i did (for some strange reason) find it satisfying, i will concur that pop can be a meal.

i still stand by the assertion that pop should not be a meal and concur with the stipulation that the mealness of pop does not extend to diet pop. the high priestess has spoken.

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Meet-Students: Because You Can't Make A Fruitcake Without Nuts