Reports from The Inquisition

March 25, 1996, 8:36 PM

I am pleased to report that the incidence of heresy this month has been very small. In fact, with the exception of Ingrid, no one I have tortured this month has even heard of this religion, so they have been unable to deny its truth. I attribute this to the eternal vigilance of The Inquisition and its chief weapon of fear and surprise.

Ingrid, when I attempted to cleverly trap her by asking, "Are you a heretic?", sneakily replied, "No." I have therefore been unable to prove any heresy on her part. She also still responds well to head scritching.

This concludes the report of this Inquisition for this sacred fiscal quarter. I am now resigning from this conference.

April 7, 1996, 1:27 PM




The Inquisition is pleased to report that the results of an impartial poll last Saturday revealed beyond a shadow of a doubt that nearly everyone in our community is actually a closet Goddess-worshiper and abides by her tenets, fearing the results should they fail.

The poll was distributed to 5000 lightly stoned natives and was phrased as follows:

Would you rather:

  • 1) Have your hair scritched, or

  • 2) Be summarily thrown into a red-hot pit of boiling weasels, where your skin shall be flensed from your flesh, your marrow sucked from your bones, your belly slit, your moules exposed to the four winds, your figgin roasted and impaled on a stick, your feet stomped upon, your nose pulled, and your entire body shall have generally nasty things done to it as it roasts for an agonizing eternity in the hellish cess-pit from which there is no escape?

    The Inquisition is thrilled and delighted to report that EVERY SINGLE RESPONDENT checked "1", proving their loyal, if unadmitted, devotion. It is the opinion of The Inquisition that many of them should be put to the sword anyway, but that's another issue.

    The Inquisition would like to further report that it is miffed about not being told about Rocky Horror, especially as it has a nice skirt which it has never had a chance to wear.

    This ends the report of The Inquisition for this period.

    April 14, 1996, 10:29 PM


    The Inquisition, in an attempt to prove that no one is safe from its dread and fearsome hand, even itself, burst into its own home last night in a surprise raid. The Inquisition promptly threw open its cabinets, all the while protesting the invasion vociferously, and, to its horror, discovered secreted in the back of one of the kitchen cupboards a nearly full bottle of Canola Oil. The Inquisition immediately arrested itself on charges of conspiracy to fry the Goddess, despite its numerous protests of its innocence and vain attempts to prove that it used the Canola for nothing more heretical than making felafel.

    The Inquisition immediately tied itself to the comfy chair and beat itself savagely with implements far too terrifying to describe to anyone who has eaten within the last century. Despite these horrifying . . . er, horrors, The Inquisition throughout protested its devotion to the Goddess. It is suspected the The Inquisition was not susceptible to the torture because it was actually enjoying it, but it was impossible to prove this and so, due to a lack of hard evidence, the Inquisition was let free under the proviso that it will be under constant watch by The Inquisition.

    The entire raid and subsequent torturing session were conducted in the holy vestments of a navy blue vest with no shirt and a filmy ankle-length skirt covering fishnet stockings, as has been prescribed by the Goddess, praise to the ground upon which she expectorates.

    Here's what people are saying about the latest raid by The Inquisition:

    "I am shocked, disgusted, revolted, repelled, repulsed, nauseated, angered, upset, concerned, incensed, ticked off, horrified, terrified, sick with fear, and have a strange tingly sensation all up and down my left side as a result of this latest grotesque miscarriage of justice by the deranged and violent forces of the so-called 'Inquisition.' I don't for a second believe that The Inquisition was guilty - I know The Inquisition personally and its devotion to the Goddess is unquestionable. I think this is just an attempt by a ruthless, power-hungry, and probably poorly toilet-trained individual to instill a reign of fear and terror among innocents who have done nothing wrong. I recommend that The Inquisition be shot."

    "I applaud the actions of The Inquisition. I have always thought that The Inquisition was sick and deviant and awful and yucky and in general not worth spitting upon. It wouldn't surprise me in the least if it was guilty of everything it had been accused of. I recommend that The Inquisition be shot."

    "I loved it. It was better than 'Cats'. I'm going to watch The Inquisition torture itself again and again. PS I recommend that The Inquisition be shot."

    The Inquisition - it's not just a job, it's a strange obsession with sharp objects.

    This concludes the report of The Inquisition for this sacred week, thank Goddess.

    PS Welcome Karmic Weasel. You have been investigated and whatever heresies you harbor in your deviant mind have been too cleverly hidden for The Inquisition to detect, so it is allowing itself to be extremely happy that you have joined our flock until such time as this situation changes.

    Goddess Responds

    April 16, 1996, 7:27 PM

    as a divine reward for making the goddess laugh herself sick, the inquisition may chose among 3 rewards:

  • 1) a promotion, embodied by adding the descriptor of the goddesses random choice to the title

  • 2) a good deal of hair-fiddling

  • 3) a lego torture chamber set, some creativity and assembly required. 8^)

    The Inquisition Retorts

    April 18, 1996, 12:38 PM

    A lego . . . torture chamber . . . SET???!!!!!




    The Inquisition Speaks Out

    May 9, 1996, 1:16 PM

    Wait a minute . . . we have a schism . . . which means we have disagreement . . . implying at least one side is wrong in a theological argument . . . which could conceivably fit the definition of . . .


    Yes, the time has come! Our religion is clearly riddled with heresy over the burning questions of the mealness of coke and the choice of beverage! (Personally I think they both taste like malted battery acid but that's off the topic.) Unfortunately, since we still do not have a theologian, it is currently impossible to determine which side, if either, is good, pure, noble of heart, devoted to the goddess, and in general warm and fluffy, and which side consists entirely of evil nasty no-good rotten-to-the-core HERETICS!

    Luckily, The Inquisition is not without means to determine this issue, for we are now armed with:

    The Dreaded Lego Iron Maiden

    The Feared Lego Wrack

    The Awful Lego Pincers

    The Horrible Lego Whip

    The Demented Lego Vat of Acid

    The Demonic Lego Electrodes

    The Somewhat Unsuccessful Lego Hot Irons (they melted)

    The Painful Lego Thumbscrew

    The Revolting Lego Wheel of Woe

    The Annoying Lego Foot-Tickler

    The Indescribably Evil Lego Barry Manilow Tape

    The Unstoppable Lego Bone-Crusher

    The Really Big Lego Club

    The Legendary Lego Bottomless Pit

    The Agonizing Lego Bamboo Shoots

    The Wicked Lego Knives

    The Bizarre Lego Hallucinogenic Drugs

    The Insane Lego Red Ant Colony

    The Generic Lego Torture Device

    The Inconceivable Lego Chinese Water Torture Chamber

    The Horrifying Lego Wedgie Machine

    The Inescapable Lego Room 101

    And the simple yet deadly



    So, um, I'll need some volunteers who want to prove their loyalty to the Goddess by coming through all of that without confessing any heresy. Come on, it'll be fun! Well, for one of us, anyway. Please? Please please please please? The Inquistion'll be your friend if you do.

    The Archangel Speaks Wisdom

    May 9, 1996, 2:29 PM

    Do I actually *want* the Inquisition to be my friend? ;-)

    The Inquisition Strikes Back

    May 18, 1996, 11:42 AM

    I like pretty much any kind of hedonism, particularly those which are illegal, immoral, demented, or just plain unsanitary. But fattening is good, too.

    Incidentally, given that it is my job to be a vile organization that persecutes, prosecutes, executes, lacerates, macerates, incarcerates, defenestrates, and in general causes pain, misery, and torture in the name of abstract truth for my own ends, does it confuse anyone else that the Pope G.I.T. seems to be primarily concerned about my copyright violations?

    Also, Judicial Champion, The Inquisition doesn't really care if you're a nasty and vile devotee of the Goddess or a warm and fluffy devotee of the Goddess, as long as you're a devotee of the Goddess. My job is to root out heresy, not vileness; nasty and vile devotees fall under the provenance of the Official Smiter of all that is Nasty and Evil and Just Plain Wrong. You may see her if you feel you need to be smitten.

    But all this is not the point of this entry; I am really writing today because I feel it is time for a test of this religions' devotion to the Goddess, in the name of routing out heresy and having a good old hedonistic time.

    Since it is difficult to have tests where you don't throw Play-Doh or fail to fry the Goddess, I feel that it is time for the


    The basic principles of the event are simple; you come to the Diag at the appointed time and demonstrate your true devotion to the Goddess by proving your stamina. As an incentive, prizes will be awarded to top competitors in established categories. The last-place losers will be thrown into the traditional pit of boiling weasels. Categories will include:

  • Individual, Partner, and Group Events

  • Stamina, Style, and Skill

  • Foreplay, both traditional (the Breast Stroke, the Back Stroke, Doggie Paddle, etc.) and freestyle.

  • And, of course, pure length. Of time, that is.

    Ben and Jerry's will be served. No Play-Doh throwing, please. Ticket proceeds will benefit the religion. What do y'all think?

    July 28, 1996, 11:16 AM


    (The Official Inquisition of the 1996 Summer Olympic Games)

    The Inquisition is sorry that its reports have been sparse this summer, but it was in intense training for the 1996 Summer Inquisition in Atlanta. Inquisitors from all over the globe have flocked to this Georgia Town to compete in events such as Maniacal Cackling, Applied Electricity, and Religious Genocide. Competitors are housed in the lovely Diabolic Village, where they dwell in apartments modeled after Torquemada's original Torture Chambers.

    The American team has done fairly well this far, placing in such events as Frothing Cant, Psychological Intimidation, and Mechanical Ingenuity. The Eastern Block is not the titan it once was since the breakup of the unified KGB into several smaller organizations, but keep an eye on them, particularly the Albanians, for showings in the events they are traditionally strong at, although the top-seeded Chinese team is likely to defeat them at Cult of Personality and Human Rights Violations this year.

    But the field is wide open this year to big and small teams alike in such important events as Random Arrests, Persecution of Intellectuals, Mass Slaughter, and the much-coveted Torture medals (for the one-hour, one-day, one-week, and one-month events). Scrappy little teams from religious dictatorships, minor cults, and crackpot organizations stand a chance of upsetting the big religious coalitions and secret police organizations in a number of events. Your own Inquisition is considered to have an outside chance in the Double Speak, Insane Justification, and Twisted Reasoning categories. Please remember to cheer it on during the prelims. Remember, small cults like ours are just as important to horror world-wide as the big religions.

    The Chief Evangelist Cheers

    July 28, 1996, 8:00 PM

    Yea Team! Yea and verily, TEAM!

    The Goddess Roots ...and Threatens

    July 29, 1996, 12:26 PM

    go, inquisition, go! rah rah rah! know, failure to support the inquistion might be heresy...

    ..but if the inquisition doesn't place well, perhaps his devotion isn't what it should be....


    A Brief Theological Discussion Breaks Out

    Judicial Champion, July 29, 1996, 12:32 PM

    So? Even if he isn't a world-class Inquisition, he's *our* Inquisition and I consider it a great honor to be persecuted by him. As long as he doesn't thwap me in the nose with a rolled-up newspaper.

    Goddess, July 29, 1996, 12:33 PM

    yeah, that's the job of the pope

    High Priestess, July 29, 1996, 1:35 PM

    really? i thought that came under the smiter's role.

    Chief Evangelist, July 29, 1996, 1:39 PM

    Egad! It's a schism!

    High Priestess, July 29, 1996, 1:41 PM

    no, not really, we've been squabbling over who gets to do what from the beginning.

    Chief Evangelist, July 29, 1996, 1:42 PM

    Well yes, but just because it's the same old schism doesn't mean that it's any less a schism.

    Just so long as people don't get this one confused with the Coke as a meal one.

    High Priestess, July 29, 1996, 1:46 PM

    i think we decided that i was more fun that way: the squabbling has been oficially endorsed. so on a meta level, it's not a schism.

    Pope G.I.T., July 29, 1996, 3:46 PM

    i consistantly thwap the judicial champion on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper in matters not remotely concerning the religion. is this a bad thing??

    Goddess, July 29, 1996, 5:20 PM

    as a detached scientific observer, i say, "no, it's a fine thing" 8^)

    Pope G.I.T., July 30, 1996, 1:12 PM

    *whew* good. i'm glad i got a detached scientific opinion on that one. :) :)

    Chief Dervish, July 30, 1996, 5:38 PM

    ...and the Goddess' detached scientific opinion at that.

    Further Reports

    August 4, 1996, 5:54 PM


    The Inquisition, in a display of team spirit that brought tears to the eyes of advertising executives everywhere, heroically sacrificed its chances in the rest of the Olympics by throwing itself into a runaway chipper-shredder which had gone haywire during the final rounds of the Group Torture event. The chipper-shredder had been heading directly towards several of The Inquisition's team-mates who had been trapped under a fallen beam during an earlier part of the round and left there in accordance with event rules.

    When, immediately after the incident, hordes of reporters descended upon the still-bloodied Inquisition with an eagerness that can only be described as leech-like, The Inquisition explained its noble action by saying, "I did it . . . because winning . . . isn't as important as . . . appearing on talk shows and getting lots of money making commercials and bad movies . . . as a result of a temporary celebrity status."

    The Inquisition was then rushed to the hospital, pausing only to sign autographs for a modest fee.

    Unfortunately, executives from all major networks have refused to offer The Inquisition any deals for appearances on any of their shows.

    "We'd like to," said one executive, "But when we came to negotiate, we saw it wouldn't work - it seems to have been horribly disfigured by the accident." Curiously, before-and-after photos reveal that The Inquisition looks pretty much the same as it did before.

    Support for The Inquisition can be shown by sending cash, checks, money orders, jewelry, gemstones, barter goods, or attractive sinners. And incidentally, I think spanking has a *fine* role in this religion.

    September 29, 1996, 11:55 AM

    The Inquisition is pleased to announce the formation of the Goddess Party, an independent political organization which is entering the presidential race for lack of any better ideas. Our nominee for president is, of course, the Goddess herself, although this is probably going to come as a bit of a surprise to her since the nomination committee met in secret in the dead of night in a locked basement in an abandoned building in a disreputable part of town and all members of the committee save one were ritually executed following the vote. Surprise!

    The proposed candidacy slate is as follows:

    President - The Goddess
    Vice-President - Chief Pontiff and Goddess-in-Training

    Proposed post-election appointments are as follows:

    Press Secretary - Chief Evangelist
    Secretary of Education - Archangel of "For Me To Know and You to Find Out"
    Secretary of Defense - Judicial Champion
    White House Chief of Staff - Master of Protocol
    Attorney General - Official Smiter of All That is Nasty and Evil and Just Plain Wrong
    Secretary of Energy - ! The Ghost
    Surgeon General - High Inquisitor
    Drug Czar - High Priestess and Official Non-Dairy Creamer
    Secretary of Occasional Maintenance - Chief Dervish
    Colonel in the Basement - Sacrificial Altar Boy

    The official party platform (not all parts of which need be endorsed by the candidate) are as follows:

    1) Free hair-fiddling for everyone, followed by cookies

    2) Mandatory minimum death sentence for Play-Doh throwing, Goddess frying, or lasting fewer than three seconds

    3) Religious tolerance for all, although non-Goddess worshippers will be cast into the Flaming Pit of Rancid Political Analysts

    4) Within first hundred days in office, the budget will be balanced, the economy will be revitalized, the armed forces will be dissolved with the sole exception of the Judicial Champion and replaced by an enormous social services organization, taxes will be abolished, all laws will be rewritten so that they are fair, just, and free of any ambiguous language, poverty, disease, and psychological troubles will be unknown, our own and several neighboring galaxies will be fully explored, mapped, and analyzed, free food and housing will be provided for all, all environmentally damaging practices will be outlawed and replaced by safe, efficient, clean technologies, all past environmental damage will be cleaned up by the polluters themselves, world peace will be enforced, all sexual practices, modes of free speech, and harmless recreational activities will be legalized, prejudice will be abolished, crime will be abolished, equal pay will be given for equal work, all children will be raised by the entire community and anyone not happy, loving, or attentive will be shot, and all this will be accomplished without the need for thought control, excessive violence, restrictive practices, or unnecessary roughness. Additional suggestions for this program (abolition of work, unified world government, whatever) will still be entertained as the platform is still somewhat flexible.

    5) The second hundred days shall be devoted to having and enormous celebratory party.

    6) The rest of the tenure shall be devoted to ensuring that the Goddess will be re-elected.

    As the Goddess, due to prejudicial political doctrines, is not on the ballot in any of the fifty states, we are currently working with the strategy of having a "massive write-in campaign". Funding is low, so our current policy is going out and hypnotizing everyone of voting age. The Goddess has also been banned from attending presidential debates on the grounds that she is "too charismatic, too impressive, the sheer power of her mighty intellect is so overpowering that if we let her speak, the current political parties would crumble like chaff before the onslaught of the unstoppable hurricane." We must protest this unfair ban and let those running the debate know that we are not just a nation of Democrats and Republicans - we are also a nation of lunatics.

    There is Much Consent

    Sacrificial Altar Boy, September 29, 1996, 12:21 PM


    "Colonel in the Basement"? I'm honored...I think...

    Goddess in '96!!

    Pope G.I.T., September 29, 1996, 12:44 PM

    yay! i get to be vice president! can i still wear my pope hat?

    Judicial Champion, September 29, 1996, 3:42 PM

    My God. I finally have a sincere, left-wing party I can vote for in good conscience. But then, what does this do to the separation of church and state? Also, why can't the Goddess appear in debates? I realise she's charismatic, but she might as well, 'cause she's a lot more coherent and sincere than either existing candidate. Of course you can say that about nearly everyone in the US who is *not* a politician...

    Official Smiter (etc), September 29, 1996, 4:34 PM

    I get to be the attorney general. I've always wanted to have my day in court. :)

    Pope G.I.T., September 29, 1996, 5:36 PM

    left-wing? LEFT-WING????? the judicial champion is just trying to get me mad, right? :)

    Disinterested Third Party, September 30, 1996, 2:54 AM

    Hey, I get to be the apathetic non-voter.

    --- disinterested third party

    Pope G.I.T., September 30, 1996, 9:22 AM

    hey look! someone we can convert! sic 'im, evangelist!!!

    Judicial Champion, September 30, 1996, 11:27 AM

    Gabba gabba hey! YOU ARE ONE OF US!

    High Priestess, September 30, 1996, 12:53 PM

    wing on!

    Chief Evangelist, September 30, 1996, 3:09 PM

    So, Mr. Disinterested Third Party person.... You obviously haven't considered the amazing positive flow of life energy force that is brought about by hair fiddling and cookies. If you had, you would KNOW that THIS is the ONLY WAY that you can avoid the HORRIBLE DOOM that awaits UNBELIEVERS! YEA, and they shall be CAST into the OUTER DARKNESS wherein the Collectors of Garbage and FILTH shall pluck them up and place them amongst those who Endure Less than Three Seconds, the Canola Mongers, and the People who Throw Play-Doh ANYMORE!!!!!

    Pope G.I.T., September 30, 1996, 6:25 PM

    bravo! i hereby nominate the chief evangelist to sainthood.

    ! The Ghost, October 1, 1996, 11:53 AM


    Goddess, October 1, 1996, 12:45 PM

    We could try putting mind-altering drugs into the cookies. that would help our chances, too. 8^)

    and separation of church and state is no big deal....D.C. isn't a state. 8^)

    A New Inquisition Poll (and Slogan)

    October 3, 1996, 9:08 PM

    Current polls show that right at the moment, we rank ninety-seventh in the race, just behind tupperware but just ahead of Bob Dole. While this is quite good for a new party, we still need to build up a lot more steam if we want to have a chance against front-runners like Clinton and Bill the Cat. Focus groups suggest that a catchy slogan would be helpful. Suggestions would be most welcome. So far, we've come up with a couple. We thought perhaps something emphasizing our high moral stand might be effective, so our first attempt was:



    Objections have been raised to this one because it doesn't rhyme. Another tack was to attempt to demonstrate our group receives little money from PACs - i.e., we're "poor" enough to be "pure". Our best so far on that theme is:



    Anyone have any better ideas?

    An Idea Discussion

    Editorial Note from the Dervish, October 21, 1996

    Indigo = the Goddess

    Pope G.I.T., October 3, 1996, 10:20 PM

    why, i've never turned a trick in my life, and i have no plans to do so in the future, even if indigo does not win the election.

    unless it would pay better than my current job, of course...

    The Archangel, October 4, 1996, 8:19 AM

    Since you work for the U, it might...

    Pope G.I.T., October 4, 1996, 12:56 PM

    probably. but i promise to only turn tricks for political and economic purposes, and never as recreation.

    Goddess, October 4, 1996, 2:04 PM

    we could do t.v. advertisements like the republicans...except where they do it in the "Fact: Clinton sacrifices small animals at midnight" we could do:

    "Revealed Truth: Re-electing Clinton will cause the Acopalypse and summon the might ponymen of the Acopalypse, Pester and Boredom"

    or as a shorter slogan:

    "Indigo: as american as hair fiddling, chocolate, and baklava"

    Official Smiter, October 4, 1996, 12:06 PM

    oh you're forgetting the other ponyman of the acopolypse what's his name... everyone keeps forgetting.

    Goddess, October 7, 1996, 4:00 PM

    oh, yeah, Pointless. 8^)

    or perhaps we should change his name to Lethe, or AbsentMinded

    The Inquisition's Commercial Break

    October 18, 1996, 10:51 AM

    OK, here's the idea for our first commercial spot of the election campaign:


    INDIGO [sings]: You ain't been blue,




    So what do you all think? I'm particularly fond of the way that it focuses attention on the issues.

    Lots of Political Commentary

    Official Smiter, October 18, 1996, 11:09 AM

    Hooray for our team

    Archangel, October 18, 1996, 12:04 PM

    I assume we don't really have to be able to play instruments... ;)

    of course not. except for me....if i'm gonna beat bill clinton, i'd better be able to be better at sax than he is. 8^)

    tres cool. what better way to say that the office of the presidency is all show....
    and compassion...or at least, false empathy with the suffering folk, wherever they are, sells...

    A Very Nice Person, October 18, 1996, 12:49 PM

    Well, I'd vote for you... :)

    Judicial Champion, October 18, 1996, 3:58 PM

    I don't suppose there's any chance we could join forces with The Raving Monster Loony Party, is there? Between our lack of press coverage, and their being British, neither has such a great chance of winning right now, and I figure a merger between the two groups might tilt the balance in our favor.

    Chief Evangelist, October 18, 1996, 6:11 PM


    The Monster Raving Loony party should join with US! Not us with THEM!

    Oh, sure, they've got seniority, but WE are on the side of RIGHT! WE have a GODDESS who is RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT!!!!

    Pope G.I.T., October 18, 1996, 6:21 PM

    the monster raving loony party is dead. we don't want to be aligned with them, cos then we would be aligned with a group that no longer exists, and then we'd seem all out-of-touch.

    the real secret to winning an election is simple bribery. now, we must consider what sorts of assets we, as a political party and governmentally-recognized tax-deductible religion, have that we could potentially use to bribe the masses:

    i think it is plain to see that in order to win this election, we must begin baking cookies at once! there are only a couple of weeks left, so we must inform the uninformed voter of our bribe: one vote will mean ten whole cookies personally made under the supervision of the next president of the united states, mood indigo. we can even throw in a promise that she will sing to all of the bowls of cookie dough before they get cooked. i think the american people are ready for this kind of bold and determined leadership.

    The Inquisition Reads The Results

    November 6, 1996, 10:28 AM

    Well, the results are in, and I am sorry to say that our party garnered less than .000000000000000000000000000000001% of the vote. While this put us comfortably ahead of Dole, it still means we lost the election. However, it also means that FEWER PEOPLE VOTED FOR THE GODDESS THAN WE HAVE MEMBERS OF OUR RELIGION. The obviously corrolary is that THERE ARE MEMBERS OF OUR RELIGION WHO DID NOT VOTE FOR THE GODDESS. As Lord High Grand Master Inquisition, Tactical Theoretician, and Creative Consultant At Large, I must unfortunately point out that this can mean only one thing . . .


    I will not rest until the turncoats have been unveiled and punished. They shall face the wrath of a silly-looking person in fishnet stockings, a filmy skirt, and a vest with no shirt holding legos and screaming, "WHO'S LAUGHING NOW? WHO'S LAUGHING NOW?!!!" for no particular reason. They shall sit in the comfy chair and face our chief weapon of fear and surprise, gosh darn it! So everyone who betrayed our cause, please 'fess up so that you can be persecuted, prosecuted, executed, lacerated, macerated, and incarcerated. These services will be provided solely on a first-come, fisrt-served basis, so sign up early.

    The first execution will be of myself, since I voted for Nader.

    A Mixed Reaction

    ! The Ghost, November 6, 1996, 12:07 PM

    non-physical entities may neither vote nor be tortured.

    Goddess, November 6, 1996, 12:38 PM

    oh, well, looks like it's time for a second incarnation (note that i did not say "second coming"....ahem) since i voted against dole the most effective way i could think voting for clinton.

    High Priestess, November 6, 1996, 12:53 PM

    ditto. especially since in the primaries i voted against buchanan by voting for dole.

    Justin Pinnow (A Passerby), November 6, 1996, 1:43 PM

    You could always have voted for Browne. ;)

    The Inquisition Defines Something

    November 6, 1996, 2:09 PM

    Anything the Goddess does is by definition not heresy, even if it is something which would be considered heresy if done by anyone else; the Goddess, if she wishes, may fry herself in canola oil, throw Play-doh, or orgasm 562 times in under a minute, without fear of reprisals by The Inquisition.

    We're All Certified Loonies

    Pope G.I.T., November 6, 1996, 5:26 PM

    and. well. i have to confess. i did not vote goddess party. interestingly, i voted against clinton the most effective way i knew how, by voting for dole. i was really hoping for a tie...

    Judicial Champion, November 6, 1996, 6:46 PM

    And I voted Libertarian. Oh, nice Inquisition, PLEASE torture me first!

    Pope G.I.T., November 7, 1996, 12:39 PM

    no no! torture *me* first!!! i believe i reserved the lego hallucinogenic drugs as my torture device

    High Priestess, November 7, 1996, 12:43 PM

    there's going to be a spanking

    Pope G.I.T., November 7, 1996, 7:35 PM

    cool! and after the spanking...THE ORAL SEX!

    Judicial Champion, November 7, 1996, 9:25 PM

    Let me go in there and face the peril.

    Pope G.I.T., November 8, 1996, 10:39 AM

    no no no we have to go and find the holy grail

    Goddess, November 8, 1996, 10:42 AM

    ...too bad. all i've got is the holy flail. 8^)

    Conan T Barbarian, November 12, 1996, 1:17 AM

    Crom was Conan's God. Don't think he had a Goddess. But if he did, it probably wouldn't be Indigo. She's not much into slaying and brutalizing, is she?

    Pope G.I.T., November 12, 1996, 5:22 PM

    belldandy sucks. skuld rules!!!!!!! almost as much as indigo, even. if skuld made better chocolate chip cookies, i might have to change religions...

    The World Reviews

    The Inquisition, November 25, 1996, 2:40 PM

    Well, our religion has been awhile now, so I decided to check around to see exactly what the world at large thought of us. And, I am pleased to say, I discovered that . . .


    Here's what people are saying about our religion:

    ". . . In my years of working as a reporter for CultWatch magazine, I have covered religions which advocated - and practiced! - such activities as gopher mutilation, goatsucking, and the complete and total annihilation of all human life on earth by the most depraved and painful means imaginable. But never, in all that time, have I ever come across a cult as twisted, as horrifying, as downright evil, and, arguably, as dangerous as so-called 'Indigo Goddess Worship' . . . [this] cabal of amoral hate-drenched power mongers will stop at literally nothing to achieve their ends, which include, but are not limited to, total world domination and complete subjugation of everyone on earth BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY. It takes only minimal research to discover this much, since they have the gall to casually mention it in their own press releases. Further research reveals a history of deviance and deadly depravity which would make the most hardened morgue-worker vomit . . . Perhaps the only being on earth who exceeds the vileness of this cult's followers is the cult's leader, the Manson-like 'Goddess' whose every whims are obeyed by her fawning flock. And her whims are legendary for sheer horror-value. Reading this 'Goddess'' dictums are a dizzying plunge into the bottomless pit of completey antisocial psychosis and amorality . . .
    ". . . I fully expect to be killed as a result of what I have said here, despite the pains I have taken to conceal my identity - either killed or turned into a grinning, lobotomized 'Goddess-worshipper', as have so many others who were seduced into the religion by the vaguely obscene hedonisms they offer to tempt fools into joining, such as hair-fiddling and chocolate chip cookies . . . I am sure my death will appear 'accidental', and I am sure that no member of the religion will be seen anywhere nearby - if they can even be identified, for photographs of the 'Goddess' are notoriously difficult to obtain . . .
    ". . . Already they have literally thousands of programmed, mind-controlled, seduced zombies obeying their commands . . . before this goes any farther, they must be stopped by, to use their own words, ANY MEANS NECESSARY . . ."

    "Documents regarding the 'Indigo Goddess Religion' cannot be released to the public, for reasons of National Security. Furthermore, no such documents exist."

    "The 'Indigo Goddess Religion'? It's a MYTH, I tell you, a MYTH! No such political party ran in 1996! Why do you all keep hounding me, tailing me, PERSECUTING ME???!!!! GO AWAY! ALL OF YOU!"

    ". . . Although this religion claims to be 'new', that is actually a clever ruse to cover the fact that its roots go all the way back to ancient Atlantis, where the 'Indigo Goddess', mistress of Perversion and Scritchies, was the ultimate deity in what was perhaps the very first pantheon worshipped by humans. It is unknown whether the present-day followers believe their leader to be an incarnation of this divinity, a pope-like leader, or whether she really exists at all . . . the lack of photographs have made me suspect that the current ringleaders of this ancient hell-cult are using a ressurection [sic] myth to keep the masses in line . . .
    " . . . Why this ancient world-conquest conspiracy has decided to re-emerge once more into the public eye is obvious - their power base has finally grown to the extent that secrecy is no longer necessary, and publicity is now what they seek. Indeed, their EXTREMELY narrow defeat in the 1996 election - which went almost unreported by the 'Mainstream' press - demonstrates that the tendrils of this organization have plunged themselves into the minds of millions . . ."

    "I like it. I like hair fiddling. Hair fiddling is good. Chocolate chip cookies are good. Good, good, good."

    "No! No! Hair fiddling is the work of Satan! I will never - AAAAAAAAAAA! NOOOOOOO! NOT THE GIANT LEECHES!!!! I will never - AAAAAAAAAAAAAA! AAAAAAAAAAAAA! All right! All right! Do it! Scratch . . . my head. Scratch my head (sob)."

    "Hair fiddling? COUNT ME IN!"

    The Pope G.I.T. Dissents

    November 25, 1996, 5:11 PM

    hey! somebody didn't invite me to the zombie seducing?!?!? <sniffle>
    i feel all left out now... <pout>

    Here Ends The Current Report....

    ...protected as it is by the KPH Pledge.