COPING WITH JEALOUSY 
		        	
                                by Mitch Slomiak
			(Loving More Magazine, Summer 1995)



FOR THE PERSON WITH JEALOUS FEELINGS

1. Do not panic!!

2. Be kind to yourself. Jealousy has many possible causes and the 
presence of jealousy does not mean that you are damaged or unfit for a 
polylifestyle.

3. Communicate with your partner(s). Jealousy is related to insecurity 
and feelings of isolation from one's partner(s). Do your best to stay in 
touch.

4.Study the onset of jealousy attacks. Is there a particular event that 
triggered the jealousy? Is there a particular thought pattern that is 
present? If you can detect the pattern you can train yourself to react 
differently and break off the deteriorating sequence of thoughts that get 
you jealous.

5. Be assertive with your partners and ask for what you need. If you need 
more time with a particular partner or an agreement that your partner 
move forward in deliberate stages with a new partner, ask for it. You may 
need time to adapt to new relationship patterns and pacing is very important.

6. Be fair and reciprocal in your agreements with partners.

7. Be flexible and customize your relationship structure to suit your 
needs and capabilities.


FOR THE PERSON WHOSE PARTNER FEELS JEALOUS

1. Do not panic!!

2. Validate the feelings of your partner. Even if you are uncomfortable 
with the jealousy, it is important to your partner that you try to 
understand what it is like for them to feel jealous.

3. Do not act like your partner is a sinner. He or she cannot control the 
onset of these feelings. Guilt and hostility lower self-esteem and 
isolate your partner.

4. Find out how strongly your partner identifies with his or her fears 
when the jealousy feelings have passed. There may be an underlying 
problem in your relationship and this is a good opportunity to determine 
if an area between the two or more of you needs work.

5. Ask how you can best support your partner and listen carefully. A 
person often knows what they need to get through discomfort when they are 
given support and do not have to face it alone. 

6. Encourage new partners to meet and befriend your current partner(s). 
Jealousy is less likely when trust is strong.

7. Be flexible. Perhaps you can make some temporary accommodations to help 
your partner and build more trust.

8. Be patient. There is no timetable for emotional work. If you love your 
partner and are committed to your relationship, then dig in and calmly 
explore these emotions.