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History --
The Growth of a Slimy Thing
The fish we know today are quiet, enigmatic, even aloof. There is something mysterious about these limbless creatures, an answer which the knowledge we had heretofore gained about them could not provide. But what we haven't known until quite recently are the details of their long evolutionary climb, and the secret life they live today.
We owe nearly all of this newly-acquired knowledge to Dr. Edward Flortan, who lived with a largish group of bluegills for nearly 10 years. In those years, he not only set the Guinness record for holding one's breath (and won several TV endorsements for wrinkled skin products), but he also brought the true story of fish to the world.
Enter the Fish
The first fish was born in 153 million B.C., to a proud prehistoric snake and a particularly attractive piece of coral. Prior to this individual (let's call her Victoria Louise de la Parra y Lordes), marine animals had not bothered to take advantage of the liquidy medium in which they lived. The single-celled organisms that began Earth's race to the Edsel (and their successors) mostly sat on the ocean floor and contemplated their lack of taxation.But, thanks in no small part to Charles Darwin's discovery, then came Victoria Louise de la Parra y Lordes. A corally/snake-like young woman, she was nonetheless endowed with a pair of wiggling fins. At first, she was ignorant of her great gift; but one fateful day, she found a use.
Unlike other snakes who constantly derided each other in an aimless sort of way, Victoria Louise de la Parra y Lordes realized that she could point at particular snakes when mocking at them. The snakes, who were unused to knowing it was they who were being made fun of, suddenly found they could slither. They took to this slithering quickly, and came speeding at Victoria Louise de la Parra y Lordes, who was unable to slither, owing to her stiff coral heritage. Certain death was imminent, and Victoria Louise de la Parra y Lordes saw her brief life flash before her primitive precursors to eyes. She made a desperate attempt with her fins to pray, but she could not join them. Again she tried, and again, and again.
Suddenly, she felt herself rising up. She kept trying to pray, and soon, she had left the mock-worthy snakes far below. Perhaps only the Wright Brothers could know the feeling Victoria Louise de la Parra y Lordes felt at that moment. And they'd had to sit in uncomfortable seats to know it.
Neanderthals
Flash forward a hundred and a half million years. Early hominids are making big strides at becoming fully human. Some stand upright; others kill things with sticks; still others drag fellow hominids into caves by their hair. Meanwhile, the adolescent fish has developed a growing communication system based on subaudible signals. By the ascendancy of Java Man, the fish nation has a system of broadcasting and 12 hours of daily programming (mostly variety and talk shows). However, not yet evident is a clear sense of humor. On one of the more popular shows, an eel slips on a banana, starting a weeklong discussion on why an eel would do that.Swim Like an Eqyptian
3,000 B.C. It is the time of pharoahs, and silly attempts at writing. A large percentage of the populace prefers to live in slavery, and they build large pyramid-shaped buildings because the Egyptian leaders run out of other things for them to do.Fish at this time have experimented with aristocracy, and decide that a vote of all fish keeps the complaining to a minimum. At first they elect a leader fish, but after a number of scandals involving breaches of their concept of monogamy, they decide to vote on every issue themselves. The collective ponderings of such issues begins to restrict fish free time, and most of their fish shenanigans wane in popularity.
Colonial Days
1780. The American Founding Fathers are busy creating a new form of government. Benjamin Franklin starts the post office and library. Thomas Jefferson does a bunch of things we can't even recall right now. And after having lied about a cherry tree and throwing currency across a river, George Washington keeps trying to retire, but is thwarted repeatedly.In the fish world, things are happening too. In the intervening years, fish have spent so much time thinking about the many governmental referenda that their minds have developed considerably. They've built an extensive philosophy, new understandings of science and mathematics, and a well-honed sense of humor. Now when an eel (or a barracuda or a pike) slips on a banana, every fish laughs uncontrollably.
Today
As we approach the turn of the millennium, humanity has made great strides in technology, medicine, and the sculpting of large blocks of ice for parties. But we have quite a ways to go to catch up with our scaly friends. Fish society is now more developed than ever, and they have found ways to end fish crime, fish hunger, and fish ineptness around celebrities. So advanced are they now that the human operators of the more respected psychic hotlines get their information straight from the fishes' mouths. Some of us know when we're licked intellectually.The End of a Tale (Tail?)
So this much we now know. With this knowledge, perhaps we can work to improve our treatment of and relations with these things we call fish. Still, we have a way to go to dispel our long-held fish myths.