At this time, we need your opinion on a few things.

Please fill this survey as quickly as possible, without missing any questions. It is intended as a measure of your personal sophistication, and as such will indicate your relative worth compared to others.

• Do you wear your parents' brand of underwear? (hint: the answer should be, "God no")

• What did Tennyson mean when he said "Excuse me, I believe I was next."

• "Ouchies" is the proper term for what kind of social disease?

• If a train bound for Newark left Seattle at 10:15 and a plane bound for Seattle left Newark at noon, who would get to Seattle first? Would removing some of the plane's passengers help?

• Do you prefer to towel off before or after you bathe?

• Will there ever be another Soupy Sales?

• If a painter paints a picture of you picking your nose and later becomes famous, would you sell the painting?

• A lover may live a hundred years, but a haberdasher really likes hats. Describe the inherent pointlessness of this phrase in two pages or less.

• If you could put one word on a billboard, what word would that be? (Choose one: Bourbon, Prostate, Goiter, or Putt)

• Have you ever been to a movie where the characters talk specifically to you? Do they genuinely seem to like you as a person, or are you just someone to talk to?

• If you had been born the Buddha, would you have demanded that statues of you be thinner?

• If you were the toast of the town, would you be buttered or plain (metaphorically speaking)?

• Does God know all the winning Lotto numbers until eternity, or is that Frank Sinatra?

Thanks for taking the time. Please send your responses through U.S. mail, in care of your postmaster (I've spoken with her, and she'll pass them on to me). You should receive your scores in 4-6 weeks and then feel better or worse about yourself, accordingly.

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This page is sponsored by

A flat line is a real drag.

Most people don't seem to realize what a pain in the butt it is for EMS personnel when a patient expires in our care. There's more than just the cleanup; the ambulance has to be sprayed with Lysol, paperwork needs to be filed, then there's the replacement of supplies and a lot of washing of hands. And of course, no one ever wants to pay for our services in lieu of a patient (if your loved one dies in our truck, of course we'll give you a full refund. We'll be pissed about it, but we'll do it).

So don't worry. As much of a pain as it would be for you to lose your significant other, it would be quite a hassle for us, too. We don't need that kind of trouble.

Smithson Ambulance Services. We avoid death.