Myth: Für Elise was originally an old Etruscan bed-wetting ditty.

Fact: Fur Elise was not written by the Etruscans at all, as they were too busy making combs. The song was actually penned in 1963 by a lady from Twelve-Lakes-and-a-Tree, Michigan who had several encounters with UFOs.

According to Mrs. Ella Fitzgood, she was washing dishes and watching Sid Caesar reruns when suddenly out on the roof there arose such a clatter. She went outside to see what was wrong, and spied two tiny spores that looked like dandelion seeds approaching her, drifting slowly as though carried by the wind.

She remembers touching one of them, and she felt what she described as a 'nothing' sort of feeling. The other spore continued on past her, seeming not to notice her. But the spore she had touched wafted gently up Ella's suburban middle-class married nose, and caused her to sneeze. According to neighbors who were drinking but not heavily or in a slovenly manner, Mrs. Fitzgood went into a sneezing fit in which she played not only Fur Elise in several different chords, but also "Mine Eyes Have Seen The Glory", the soundtrack from the movie Spaceballs, the MC Hammer catalogue, and "Pomp and Circumstance" (all the way through).

One magazine story took the opportunity to interview other songwriters of the time: John Phillips Sousa called Ella Fitzgood "the father of 20th century American music". Paul Simon said she was full of crap.

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If I Had a Porch
1995 John Cady & his Lounge Life Press