Good evening everyone! Welcome to “Whose Oil Is It Anyway!” On tonight’s show: “Absence of evidence isn’t evidence of absence,” Donald Rumsfeld!
“No one could have predicted they’d fly planes into buildings,” Condi Rice!
“A convenient reason we could all agree upon,” Paul Wolfowitz!
And “No comment,” Dick Cheney!
My name is Colin Powell—come on down, let’s have some war!
Welcome to “Whose Oil Is It Anyway!”, the show where the evidence is made up and the deaths don’t matter. That’s right, the deaths are just like the United Nations—they just don’t matter. (Laughter)
The first game is called questions only. It’s for all four of you. The scene is, as always, that the Bush administration is in trouble and needs a war to get out of it. Donald and Condi, you start:
Condi: What was the scene again?
Rummy: Are you too stupid to play this game? Heavens yes!
Powell: Buzz—You aren’t allowed to answer your own questions. (Wolfy takes Rummy’s place, while Rummy flips Powell the bird.)
Wolfy: Do you think we’re ready to attack Syria yet?
Condi: How should I know?
Wolfy: You are the national security advisor, aren’t you?
Condi: Am I?
Wolfy: How’d you get that job anyway?
Condi: The President thinks I’m smart…
Powell: Buzz—Questions only. (Cheney steps in.)
Wolfy: Which country should we attack, Mr. Vice President?
Cheney: Why do you think I should disclose that information?
Wolfy: (Blank stare)
Powell—Buzz—game over! Our next game is called Superheroes…
[Wolfy is Neoconman, Cheney is Shadow Government Man, Condi is Captain Confusion, and Rummy is Unknown Unknown Boy.]
Etc., Etc., Etc.