Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Terror Memo

Note to NSA: This post, like this entire blog, is based on the fictional TV show "24." (On Fox, mind you!) This means that the following "terror memo" is NOT REAL. (Of course, neither is the "war on terror," but you'll have to read my other blog to learn about that.) Take care!

Note to usual readers: I haven't been able to keep track of the bad-guy trail very well, so I've had to refer to the 24 website for names. Erwich was the guy who took the canisters to the motorcycle shop, and seemed to be in charge until this other former-soviet-republican (FSR) Bierko showed up and killed him. Nathanson is the American who apparently coordinated the attacks, working with Walt Cummings (and his CTU mole Spencer) and putting them in touch with the FSR gang.

Anyway, here's a copy of the memo that Mr. Big, or maybe Naked Mandy, sent to Erwich and Nathanson several months ago.

To: Fellow terrorists
From: Mr. Big, or possibly Naked Mandy

Dear fellow terrorists:
The big day is almost upon us. Twenty canisters of deadly Centox nerve gas are secretly hidden in the floor of an unused hanger at the Ontario Airport. Mr. Nathanson and Mr. Cummings--I know that you would like to see a big terror attack on Russia which would allow the US to step in and take control of oil in Central Asia. Mr. Bielko--you would like to stop President Logan from signing the anti-terror treaty with President Suparov, and you would like to deliver a devastating attack on Moscow. Mr. Erwich--you just want to kill a bunch of people. Don't worry; there's plenty of gas to go around!

Here's what we could do. We take our friend Mr. Rossler out to Ontario Airport and have him arm the canisters. We hide one in the terminal there (we have a guy inside), and take another to LAX. The other eighteen go on a ship to Pakistan. (Some idiot suggested putting them on a ship to "Central Asia," which has no ports. Some idiot is now dead.) On the day when President Suparov comes to LA to sign the treaty, we release the gas at Ontario, killing everyone in the terminal. We then inform Logan that a similar attack will occur at LAX in ten minutes unless he calls off signing the treaty. When the 18 remaining canisters arrive in Pakistan, Mr. Bielko will see that they get to Moscow to complete the mission. There's only one person in the world who could stop us--a former CTU agent named Jack Bauer. Supposedly dead, he is actually in hiding. Only four people know where he is. If none of them find out about the plot, we're home free. Like I said, that's what we COULD do.

Instead, I've got another plan. First, we bring Mr. Bauer out of hiding by killing some of his closest associates. Then we stage a conventional hostage-style terror attack at the Ontario Airport, using Mr. Erwich as a phony hostage, at great risk to him, and bringing in hundreds of cops at just the moment we're sneaking the nerve gas out of the airport. We'll leave plenty of clues in the hanger so CTU will know what this is all about. We'll let Mr. Rossler fool around with his sex slave until the last possible moment, giving Jack Bauer every opportunity to find Rossler before he can perform the service crucial to our operation. At this point, you guys will get to argue amongst yourselves about how we use the gas, with one of you killing the others. Admittedly, this plan is almost certain to fail, but I think we can count on CTU being just as stupid as we are (I've seen the DVD's of the previous seasons!).

Allah Akbar, or whatever.


Mr. Big, or maybe Naked Mandy


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