Report of Semper Fidelus, Legate of Pompaus Magnus All Hail the false Caesar...blah, blah, blah...

What can I say? With friends like these...

The plan was simple...don't worry about holding ground, destroy the enemy.

Despite the superior deployment of my legions and allies, the One True Emperor went down to defeat. The major weight of our attack was to fall on the enemy's right flank. The Arab camelry, led by the able if slow-moving Pipus Maximus vaporized the enemy flank after spending all day setting up for the perfect attack, but was unable to exploit his success due to nightfall -- I read in the Annals of Beatticus that many moons ago the Great Alexander himself had the same misfortune against Porus at the Hydaspes.

Meanwhile, Juba the Elephant Slayer spent the better part of the day having his own command decimated by unbelievably accurate archers holding the choke point between the oasis and our own unfortunate capital. Despite Juba's brave attacks, charge after charge was cut down. Oliphants, Light Horse and Skirmers all fell before the mighty bows. Even Juba's own desperate attacks were fended off.

I led my own bodyguard into the fray to assist Juba, but was only allowed limited success before the sun set and not enough to save the day.

Of the three legions, only one was heavily engaged. The action around the enemy capital was sharp. The Great Second Legion fought like true Romans, but was unable to decisively defeat the opposing legion despite pushing it back to the road. Third Legion proved to be led by an uncooperative twit. Although he was ordered to refuse the flank and achor the line, he could see that his OWN twin brother was struggling hard for the town, but just stood there staring at the enemy troops of another enemy command meandering about the battlefield behind the town.

The First Legion facing the oasis stared down the enemy all day until a brilliant late afternoon attack was carried out. Unfortunately, the opposing legion commander, Pubis Micronimus was distracted and allowed his cohort commanders to carry out orders independent of his leadership. I am convinced that if Pubis had actually paid attention to the fight for the oasis, his presence could have assured us victory. But NO, he was distracted by erotic mosaics of Anglicus Barkerus...

So read the Annals of the Semperus Bitterus...

The following is Pippus Maximus recollections of Thursday's battle...

In command of the Arab allies, Pippus Maximus was ordered to sweep the enemy away from the left flank and fall upon the enemy rear. Our initial deployment placed our light horse (including the unit commanded by yours truely) on the far left, followed by camelry (NOT capitalized), and backed by Arab blades and one bow unit. Before us the enemy was holding his extreme flank with light horse and some psiloi. Roman Blades that were assigned to assault our rubber BUA would later face my Blades.

Our overall commander was very generous with command points heading my way. At no point did I ever receive less than four. I only wish that my flank attack had developed quicker. Pontifectus put together a very formidable defense. After my camels and light horse passed the dunes to our front, we wheeled away from a steep hill in the enemy zone. Seeing our movement, Jefficus (as we shall refer to him) posted two psiloi on the hill. This forced us to detach two of our much needed camelry to screen the skirmishers so that they would not fall upon either our slowly advancing Blades (they were now out of my direct command distance of 1200 paces), or our mixed horse / camelry force. In addition to this, Jefficus executed timely refusals of his flank to keep us from coming into contact.

Seeing my enemy slip away, I ordered my own light horse unit and another to execute a rapid advance (aka double move) in hopes of forcing Jefficus into combat. Again he refused to engage, and I awaited the arrival of my light camelry and heavy camelry. With the lights finally together (LH, LH, LC) Jefficus launched his own four light horse against me, hoping to use the one overlap to his advantage. The combat was inconclusive, but when my Camelry (Capital "C") arrived we were four on four. At this juncture Jefficus had the worst luck (even worse than Pippus Minimus' luck) in a DBA battle. For each match up he rolled a one.

Roughly at this time Jefficus' Roman Blades that were to his right of the BUA engaged my Arabs. There was little I could do against these well armed troops (his four Blades against my mix of two Blades, one Psiloi, and one Camelry) and he was quick to flee my skirmishers, wheel through the hole that they left, and dispatch one of my blade elements. At this time the general retreat was sounded for our forces.

The annals of Pontificus Capricious (an illusion to his other life as a minor buerocrat):

Ponticus was generously endowed with two commands: The third legion consisting of 9 blades an 2 psiloi, and the Numidian ally command consisting of 4 bow, 1 cavalry general, and 4 light horse.

Pontificus was blessed by the gods by being commanded by the estimeed and most wise Pewbus Magnus (may the slanderous dogs who claim him to be better named pewbus minimus be cursed with genital warts).

Pewbus wisely assigned the 9th legion with the task of taking the enemy town of Flexi Rubberous held by an element of (Paul's) blades. The Numidian ally command was astutely directed by Pewbus to hold our right flank with the light horse and to confront(Dave's) elephants advancing to ourleft of Flexi Rubberous.

It was with some trepidation that Pontificus faced the advancing camelry and light horse of the enemy Pipus Maximus (a noble foe).

Throughout the battle Maximus Glutus was generous in the pips he bestowed on the Numidian ally command and Pewbus was no less generous in lavishing pips on the 3rd Legion (may the gods bless them).

Pontific blades engaged the enemy held town with 3 double rank blade units. This battle went a number of rounds, with the combatants either locked in the death struggle, or Pontificus blades repulsed. After the first round in which Pontificus' blades were pushed back, Pontificus' own blade element (which had been in the second rank) led the attack. This provided the edge which fnially won the town for our noble Maximus Gtutus. To the right of the town the numidian bows had remarkable good fortune in dispatching both of Dave's elephants. This early success greatly boyed our spirits, for the threat posed by the enemy beasts seemed grave. From this point the Numidian bows faced enemy light horse and cavalry, denying their advance (and perhaps dispatching an element or two).

It was with some trepidation that Pontificus faced the advancing camelry and light horse of the enemy Pipus Maximus (a noble and gracious foe). However, Pewbus guidance to give ground in the face of the advancing foe prooved its wisdom. For the account of this confrontation, one is well served by the annals of Pipus Maximus (PM). The spot of bad going in which Pontificus placed the psiloi of the third legion was critical in frustrating the ambitions of Pipus Maximus for some time. It was only when the good fortune of the Numidian bows emboldended the attack of their light horse against the advancing foe (cautioned against by Pewbus) that the Numidan defense of the flank colapsed (see the annals of PM). Although the Numidians were no longer blocking the path of Pipus Maximus through our flank, our camp was well protected by Pewbus and several blades of the 3rd and the cavalry general of the Numidians were forming up in a line to face the sweep of our flank.

The blades of the 3rd legion adanced to the right of the town and crushed the weaker force of PM. This encounter is well recorded in the annals of PM.

All in all, an unusually good night for Ponificus. Good fortune against Dave's elephants, good terrain to take advantage of, more than sufficient force and time to take the enemy held town, and the potentially disasterous loss of 4 Lh to Pipus Maximus flanking drive came late enough in the course of the battle and was sufficiently compensated for by Pewbus camp guards and the ability to assemble another blocking force.

"I Pubis Magnus (note the CORRECT spelling of the name) as is well known, come from a long line of long people. My Latin name derives from the exclamation made by the midwife at my birth.

At the time of the great battle of Flexibus Rubberous, I was senor legate and Commander of the first legion.

Recognizing the importance of the oasis at the center of our battle line, Maximus Gluteus ordered me to take and hold it.

My battle plan was brilliant, march up to it and take it and hold it. A lesser mind could not have come up with this cunning scheme.

On my right flank I had three units of cavalry which were to be used in a counter attack against the Carthaginian elephants after they hit our allied archer line.

The plan developed just as expected up to a point. The gods were favorable to the arrows of our archers and the dread beasts fell before contact, and the enemy was sore discomfited.

In the center, the valiant first legion captured the oasis and awaited the onslaught of the forces of Pompey.

Here is where fate stepped in. One of the saddest facts of a Civil war is that families can be split by the fighting. As the gods decreed it, my opponent was a cousin of mine from the provinces, whose Latin name translates as "Paul the Puny" (obviously he had the same midwife I did)

Expecting him to act as a Man I anticipated an assault by his troops on the oasis, but it did not occur. I was disappointed.

So I taunted him with many witty, intelligent and salacious insults - rendered in flawless Latin verse.

He responded pitifully with the ancient equivalent of "you're another" and "it takes one to know one"

Finally his morale could stand no more taunting and he began a mad rush on the oasis, but his troops were repulsed and he and his bodyguard were destroyed in the fighting.

As he perished, his last dying words could be heard across the field "Grandmother always liked you besssst, arggggh!"

This is my true account of the battle.

Ave;

This the true account of the third legion at the late battle. At the command of the pro-consul Maximus (he lost his amateur standing) the third legion under command of Odious Bobbus marched to relieve the town on our right supported by the light horse and archers of our allies.

Arriving by the town at the double, we were faced by two legions. The threat posed by our light horse caused the enemy to turn one legion to protect their flank. The light and archer then disappeared from view never to be seen again on this day. Thus the third legion faced a single legion in a contest where valor would decide the day.

In the first clash our psiloi disordered the enemy line, allowing the town garrison to sally and support the attack of the third. After initial success by our men, the enemy general at head of his men counter attacked and threw our line into confusion (Odious Bobbus prefers to lead from the rear as he finds this less exciting). A long struggle then ensued, each man striving to overcome his foe and gain renown in the eyes of Odious Bobbus. The Third finally gained the advantage through superior leadership as the day was won.

From the military journal of Figidus Humanis:

Having arrived on the battlefield with out Numidian allies, I was assigned the task of holding a BUA and securing the road leading to it from our left flank. This was promptly done by garrisoning the BUA with an element of blades and deploying the bows and light horse elements in support columns.

An element of light horse was detached to secure the road, but a rumor of treasure swept through the ranks, leading to ALL the light horse heading off. The columns of archers also stepped off smartly (or as smartly as Numidians can), heading through the dunes towards the BUA.

Things were looking good. The road had been secured, and with the rumor of treasure being proved false, the light horse began to re-orient themselves to charge into the enemy's rear. The archers were now trekking through the dunes towards the BUA, and the blades were shouting insults at their enemies who were gathering around the walls of the BUA. A cheer could be heard from the opposite end of the line where the enemy's elephants had met their demise. At this point, confusion struck.

First, the archers apparently became lost in the "vast" trackless dunes, failing to appear until the enemy had been defeated. Then, a thundering herd of sheep went through the reforming ranks of light cavalry. Chaos ensued. Those light horse who had already reformed took one look at the ranks of enemy legionaires now forming a line ahead and considered their options - attack the growing number of enemy or pursue the wooly ones. For the sons of the western dessert, it was an easy choice - lamb chops for dinner!

Meanwhile, off to the right, the clash of legions had begun. As sword beat against shield, the garrison watched and bided it's time. At the height of the battle, the members of the garrison shouted and charged forth, their positions on the walls being taken up by some psiloi from the adjacent legion. With the help of the attacking garrision, an enemy element was eliminated and a hole began to appear in the enemies line. Victory was at hand!

Alas, confusion struck again. The blades, seeking to turn the flank of the enemy legion and roll up the line, began to recieve orders that were out of date, proving that the Numidian commanders were too far away chasing sheep to issue timely orders. As the battle drew to a close, the blades were able to hold their ground, defeating several attacks. But they were unable to complete what looked to be a promising triumph. Fortunately, the rest of the army had done well and the day ended in victory.