Cordelia, Diary 8Regardless of what Sophie said, I think I lost control of the rescue/kidnapping operation pretty much as soon as Mythos said she'd do it. I'd expected her preparations to take longer, and, well... The enthusiasm she brought to the job was rather overwhelming. I was also afraid that if I stemmed the tide even a little the spirit of helpfulness would vanish.
I did mean to be more prepared before any of the children were brought to Amber. I expected to have the evenings while I was working on the Trumps. I'd hoped to have gotten Sophie beyond asking me if I was sure this was a good idea to concrete suggestions about how we could handle things. Now, I'm facing disapproval from her and from Jared. I understand her reasons, but I don't understand his.
I suppose I should be grateful that Merlin's amused rather than appalled...
None of my more recent memory fragments have really coalesced into anything comprehensible. Except for Ygg and the wall and the blond man, I don't know if I really care. I know who I am now, and I know who I started out being. I suppose that eventually I'll have to integrate those other lives, but it's hard enough pulling those first dozen or so years into my view of myself; they're still alien. I feel like I'm two people, Cordelia and a child named Linette. Both are in my head, and each has a vastly different experience of the world. Linette's is kinder up until the end, but I think Cordelia may be more practical for everyday wear. I may have to draw on Linette more, though, for some things. I'm sure she knows what money is, and she's the one who attacked Fayne-- No, Gabelle, even in my thoughts. When she asked if I'd ever hit anyone, I forgot that when I was Linette I fought.
At least I didn't hurt Gabelle too badly. She's much better at that sort of thing than I am. I'm just glad that she didn't try to restrain me; I think I would have lost all hope of regaining control. It would have been like when they took me away, and it would have been Cordelia and Gabelle in the garden in Amber. It would have been Linette and the Bad Men who were trying to hurt her and who made Mama cry, or worse Linette and the Bad Men who'd already hurt her and made Mama die. That's the problem with being two people. I never know which one's going to answer a call.
I wonder if I should start calling Merlin "papa." That's what Mama always called him. She'd bring his picture out and say, "That's your Papa." I don't think I can do it yet, though. It might bring Linette too much to the front. Maybe when I finish integrating Linette's memories so that I don't feel like a different person when I enter them. I wonder how he'd react...
I do have to find out from Merlin exactly what my ranks and titles are. There will be some people here to whom that will actually matter, and my ignorance could hurt me. From what Merlin said, I should have three sets to choose from. The ones from the Courts, I should certainly not use except at the sort of occasions where all of one's titles come out of the drawer. Whatever title comes from Merlin's father, however, could be very useful. I get the impression that blood proximity to a king is a very powerful thing. I may never go there or meet Corwin, but that won't matter to the people who equate titles with power.
I'm not sure how I'm going to explain all of this to Russell and Rebecca or how unhappy they're going to be about the changes. They're not anywhere near the top of the heap here, and they're used to being part of one of the families that Matter. I can simulate some of that if I keep them close to me, but I don't know that that's the best idea for them. That'll have to be up to them, and the pattern they set will determine how I place the rest of the children. They have to learn Thari, and I'm hardly up to speed on that myself. I've been too busy drawing Trumps to have regular lessons.
I really have to do something about the time problem. I have to draw Trumps for myself and for the others. It just takes so much time. Time which I haven't got what with all of the things I need to learn and the kids. If it weren't for the kids, I'd probably just withdraw for a few weeks and come out only for meals and simply get the damn things done. Time enough to adapt to the new life when I have the tools I need. Of course, I still need to meet the rest of the family before I know what to draw. I think I can manage the King and Queen, Robert, Phoebe, Sarah, Mariah, Caspian, Faulkner and Luke in addition to the other recent arrivals. I have the impression that the family's larger than that, though, and I can't really use my other skills without a fairly full set.
I'd like to withdraw. Far too many people know about my other form. I needed it for Rebecca, for Russell, but... I didn't want anyone to know. Bad enough that Gabelle and Mythos saw me that way. At least Gabelle has the background to understand. Now all the members of our little group know. I wonder who they'll tell. I am ashamed.
Back to Index
Back to Cordelia 7
On to Cordelia 9