Cordelia, Diary 6I feel like I should be in mourning. Mama's death is a long time past, but now the memory's fresh. I'd been wondering since I met Merlin if my mother loved me. Now I know, and I don't know if it helps. I hope my grandfather was around for every minute of the house's decline and that it hurt a lot. I don't suppose there's any chance that he's still alive. If he is, I may have to go back at least briefly. A man who'd sell a child into that needs to die. I donUt know if Merlin would do anything about him or not.
I'm angry too. It wasn't just my grandfather. There's a whole industry behind it. I want to hurt what hurt me. Even when I try to distance myself from it, I think about the other children that went through that. They must have felt, feel, what I did. I don't know how to stop it, not really, but I want to do something.
Maybe part of it's a frustration over how much I still can't remember. Who's the blond man? Where and what is the oak tree with the wall? They're important, at least I think so. The man could have been my teacher in one of my lifes, but I can't explain the tree. I wonder if walking the Pattern again would clarify things. I'm not prepared to do that right away, but it might be an option next month. I'll have to ask Merlin if those two images mean anything to him. I can sketch them easily enough.
I still don't know how many years or reprogrammings are in there. I think there are at least three reprogrammings, but I don't know how far apart they were or what caused them. Having the fragments is much worse than knowing nothing. I thought I didn't care about the memories and events that were gone. It seems that I do. At the very least, I'd like to know why I was reprogrammed.
I think it's a good thing that I went with Sophie when she went to talk to her father. The whole situation seemed pretty awkward. Maybe it's easier to meet other people's children or parents. I think my uncle was less unsure of himself when talking to me about my problems than with dealing with his newly rediscovered child.
Hopefully, I'll be able to reach Russell soon. I have to get my trump back so that I can give it to him. The more I remember, the more I want him out of Evara just because it's Evara. I don't know what penalties his family might incur for losing me, but I now know that debts can be paid in children. Russell's father might hesitate longer than my grandfather did. None of the Stanislaus children, at least so far as I know, have shown signs of being shapeshifters, so there's nothing to make them seem monstrous or immensely valuable. Still, children are a replaceable commodity.
I'm going to have to talk to Merlin about what I remember. It may change his priorities a bit. I don't know.
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