Tevis slept on the couch, and I retired to my own bed.  I feel a little guilty about that, but I'm not sure what's to be done about it.  I don't want to share my bed or to ask Russell to do so (not to mention that Tevis would probably refuse to share with Russell on the grounds that it would interfere with his ability to function as a bodyguard!).
        Nightmares came.  Events with Dara had stirred up a lot of memories I'd rather have forgotten.  Some Cordelia memories, some not.  Anyone can be cruel to a slave.
        My selves talked to each other in the night and debated policy.  Amanda doesn't believe that Tevis can have changed so much or that the rest of us aren't interested in him.  Philomena mocks all the rest of us, but that mockery has become more friendly.  Either she's integrating or she's planning a double cross of some sort.  I think perhaps she's realized that there's no hope of making a deal with the other side.  Cordelia simply tries to pull everything together.  At least Eurydice's stopped whining.
        Brandon worries me.  Viewing getting kidnapped as exciting is not a healthy attitude.  Well, perhaps it is for someone who hasn't experienced fear and pain.  I don't think he realizes that this is for real, for keeps.  I think Russell and Rebecca have a better sense of it, probably because I pulled them away from everything they'd ever known.  I had good intentions, but it means that they know how fragile a moment's truths can be.
        Merlin seems inclined to back me up on the subject of Tevis.  I hope that the King doesn't decide to push, though.  I'm not sure Merlin would back me that far.  Amber has been his safety for so long.  Still, Tevis's news is critical.  I don't find it dreadfully surprising, but I suspect that knowing changes things in terms of the plans people make.
        I think they'll have to decide what they really want to defend.  The Wall probably isn't worth the trouble; it'll come down in the end.  I wonder if they can automate defenses while secretly pulling the human defenders awayÖ  Anyone from this side who attacks the Wall is an enemy revealed.  As long as they think it's defended, they'll throw a lot of strength at both sides.
        Who am I kidding?  Nobody's going to listen to me on this.  I'm a crazy woman with no experience who's protecting someone who might be a traitor.
        Why do I just have the suspicion that the Wall has been like a security blanket for Amber all of these years?  Something to hold onto for comfort that really doesn't do anything useful besides provide reassurance.  False reassurance, I suspect.  It doesn't help that the project was set up by the two most traumatized by what's on the other side.  The Wall should have been a stopgap not a solution, but I get the impression that it's been treated as the Answer to the problem of the Courts.  The reasons for Amber's history and attitudes confuses me.
        Looking on the bright side, I did get to meet a cat today.  I suppose that some people might be startled that I put the cat above Aunt Gwyn, but I've been wondering about them since Sophie mentioned them weeks ago.  Aunt Gwyn is formidable but every bit as confusing as the rest of the family.  I wish we could get Aunt Gen back.  At least she talked to me in a straightforward manner.  I don't think she could do anything else.  Perhaps it's a trait of our branch of the family.  Merlin's good about being honest if I ask him about one of the things he's actually willing to talk about.  He's just not willing to talk about the things that matter.
        Both Merlin and I will be targets in this new war.  I'd like to talk to him about it.  I'd like him to promise me that we'll be safe and that everything will be fine.  Unfortunately, I've learned in every life that that's not reality.

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