That was a lot easier than I expected.  Now, I keep watching for the whole thing to turn sour on me.  I have serious reservations about the whole business.  It's not as if we're home yet, and from what Tevis says I'm going to have some problems getting people to accept him there.  Of course, Tevis gives me the impression that he's planning to turn martyr, seems to think he needs to atone.  Idiot.  Dying is the easy way out.
 Besides, it's perfectly true what I told him.  I only remember two people loving me in all of my lives.  Mama's dead, and I'll be really peeved if Tevis goes the same way.  Maybe it's some flaw in me--  I can't pick people who've got the guts to keep going.  That's probably unfair, butÖ  I get the impression that Tevis gave up on his life a long time ago and just kept going on sheer inertia.  He's centered his life on one loss and one mistake and can't let either of them go.
     At any rate, I slept after Tevis brought me lunch.  I was fairly sure that I'd planted seeds of confusion at the very least.  I needed the sleep pretty badly, and it passed dreamlessly.  It would have been nice if my subconscious had obliged with more information about how I knew Tevis.  I suppose that that sort of convenience is too much to expect.
     I woke when the door opened.  Tevis entered carrying a tray with my dinner.  I spared a moment to try to figure out his status here.  Was I wasting my time trying to subvert someone who couldn't help me?  On the other hand, he was the only one handy to subvert, and I apparently had ammunition.
     He handed me the tray then seated himself on the edge of the bed.  I could tell that he was trying not to sit too near.  I wasn't sure if that was courtesy or fear.  He pulled out a small cloth wrapped bundle.  The whole thing fit in his clenched fist.  He opened his hand and pulled the cloth aside.
     For a moment, I wasn't there.  A ring in his hand, that same ring on my finger.  It was delicately worked gold with leaves weaving together to form a ring shaped net.  I remembered wearing it.  I couldn't help it.  I said, "I wore that."
     He just looked sad and sat looking at me for a moment.  Then he clenched his hand around the ring, moved away and gave me time to eat.  When I put the tray down, he came back.  He still sat at a distance, and again he offered me the ring.
     This time, I felt brave enough to touch it.  I extended a finger and looked at him.  He didn't react, so I carried through and just brushed my finger over the ring.  No explosions.  No new memories.  No reactions from him.
     I turned away and looked at the floor.  I knew I had to play this right.  So far, he hadn't demanded proof, and I couldn't give him any because I didn't remember enough.  I pulled my legs up close to my body and wrapped my arms around my knees.  I tried to look horribly vulnerable.  I have no idea if I succeeded at all.
     "Do you know," I asked rhetorically, "what I was supposed to be doing today?  I was going to meet with Luke to try to get those memories back."  I snuck a look at him then looked away again.  "I only remember two people in all of my lives who loved me, and I wanted to know who you were, if you were still alive, if you might love this me."  I forced a little laugh.  "Mama's dead, and you're--  WellÖ"  I let my voice trail off.  It suited the image I was trying to project, and there really wasn't anything else to say, at least nothing that would be likely to help me.
     We were silent for quite a while.  Then he seemed to force himself to move.  He put the ring on the bed between us and stood.  He picked up the tray and turned away from me.  "I have to go," he said.  "They'll be wondering what's keeping me."  He didn't look back as he left.
     I took the whole thing as a sign of good progress in my campaign.  I wasn't quite sure what to do with the ring.  I didn't want to wear it.  I was sure it would be noticed, and I wasn't at all comfortable with the promises I might make by putting it on.  On the other hand, I wanted it.  I treasure any bits of my past I can get.  I rewrapped it and put it in my pocket.  I thought that I'd have time to consider whether or not wearing it would influence Tevis before I had to deal with him again.
     Sleep came again uninvited.  I had planned to let the nap suffice and try the Trump drawing again, but I found myself unable to remain awake.  It may have been something in the food, but I suspect that it was merely the accumulated stresses of the previous 36 to 48 hours presenting their bills.  I slept.
     I was awakened by a hand on my shoulder.  Another sign of how exhausted I must have been.  Normally, I wake when someone enters my room.  Too many of the people I served liked sneaking up on a sleeping slave.  I preferred to be ready for those games.
     Fortunately, it was only Tevis.  He pulled me to me to my feet before I'd quite come awake and started wrapping a voluminous cloak around me.  We were in the hall before my brain quite caught up with what was going on.
     "Can we rescue Gen?" I whispered.  He put a finger to my lips and shook his head.  Damn.  Still, one of us escaping would be quite a blow to Grandma Sadist.  I didn't think Dara would move Gen elsewhere, so I'd be able to tell Luke where she was.  With any luck, I could keep Merlin out of it.  I really don't like Dara's insistence on luring Merlin in.  She must have something particularly nasty in mind for him, and the reasoning escapes me.
     The rest of the trip out of the keep went in fits and starts.  Tevis would dart ahead to make sure that nobody was coming from the cross corridors, and then I'd advance.  It seemed to take forever, but we finally reached the courtyard.  The fact that no one questioned his leaving with a heavily cloaked figure seemed evidence to me that he must be high up in the hierarchy here.
     A single horse awaited us outside the keep.  Given my riding skills, I was just as happy not to have to deal with one of the beasts myself.  Tevis mounted and pulled me up behind him.  I held tight as we rode away from the keep.  Tevis was wisely cautious and put silence above speed until we were well away.  Then we rode full out.  He only stopped for a moment to point and tell me that if anything happened to him I must go in that direction and tell the people I found there who I am.
     We stopped when the horse needed resting, and Tevis insisted that I sleep.  I asked when he thought the people back at the keep would notice I was gone, and he replied that he was sure they knew already.
     I dreamed.  I was someone else, not-Cordelia, and I was facing Tevis.  The not-Cordelia had reasons that I didn't understand, imperatives that made her need to go.  She handed the ring to Tevis.  I think she said something, but I don't know what it was.  It wasn't the right thing, and I think she knew it.  She returned the ring out of pain, out of a sense that she was somehow not worthy of it because of what she had to do, because, I think, she had to leave.  I'm sure that Tevis spoke too, but I don't know what he said.  Were their parting words bitter?  I think so.
     I woke from that dream and sat straight up.  The movement let me assert my Cordelianess and shed some of the not-Cordelia.  I want the memories, but I want to be Cordelia.
     Tevis had not even lain down.  He stood leaning against a tree.  He kept watch for dangers, but I think he also watched me, looking for something that may or may not be there.
     "I remember giving you back the ring," I told him as he quickly packed everything up.  "I felt like I didn't deserved it."
     Later, when we were riding again, I continued.  "I'm not sure how much I'm like her.  I don't even remember being her."
     "Your name was Amanda."
     "I call myself Cordelia now."
     "Cordelia."  I could hear a small sad smile in his voice.  "Thatís a pretty name."
     "Well, they wanted one, and I couldn't remember ever having one, so I picked one I liked.  I was born Linette."
     Silence for a while.
     "We argued for weeks about it.  You kept insisting that you had to go home, and you wouldn't let me come with you."
     "I'm sorry.  I can't imagine why she, why I would want to go back to Evara."
     "You never mentioned the name of the shadow."  A long pause.  "I met you while you were mapping shadow paths.  You were quite excited about it.  You'd found one that led out of your home shadow, and you seemed to think that some sort of underground or cabal you were working with could use it.  I helped you map paths in my time off."
     An underground?  Some sort of resistance to the way of things in Evara?  No wonder the memories were buried deep.  I can't imagine any of my previous selves getting involved in something like that, but I can understand the need to try.
     "I can't imagine wanting to go back to Evara.  It definitely needs changing, butÖ"  Time for a change of subject.
    "Where do you come from?"
     "I was born in the Golden Circle.  When I was grown, I joined the Wall Guard."
     I'd never heard of the Wall Guard, but it wasn't hard to figure out what he meant.  I suppose that explains why Amanda didn't want him coming with her.  Prior oaths and all.
     "When you left, I tried to follow you, but I couldn't find you.  I left my post."  A tightness entered his voice.  "They tried to breach the Wall that night, and I wasn't there.  Three of my comrades died.  Because of me.  After that, I worked for hire and never asked why or what my employer planned."
     I was a little startled by the self-hatred in his voice, but it explained why it had taken such a little push from me to set him on this new path.  Toward redemption?  I doubted it, at least not toward redemption as I define it.  Toward some sort of release.
     "Iím regretting it now," he went on.  His tone lightened a little.
     "Whatever Dara's planning's bound to be complicated," I interjected.  Time and gone for a subject change.  "She wants to cause as much pain as possible in getting what she wants."
     "Yes, I got that impression."  His tone was dry.  "The other oneó"
     I knew what he meant.  "Gen plays Dara's games.  I'm sure Gen's more fun to torment."
     "It doesnít work without a response from the other person."
     I laughed a little.  "I learned that game a long time ago.  A slave lives longer if she shows no sign of a mind."  A sudden thought came to me.  I pulled up my left sleeve.  "Did I have that when weÖ met?"
     He looked for the briefest of moments.  "Yes."
     "The ring?"
     "I'd hopedÖ  It was meant to symbolize what I felt was growing between us, what I thought would be, hoped would beÖ"
     "She--  Ió knew that.  That's why I felt I didn't deserve it.  I'm sorry.  I'm not her.  I don't remember being her.  Something must have gone wrong when she went back to Evara.  They take memories from you there.  It hurts, but afterwards they're gone.  I've only started getting pieces back since I walked the Pattern."
     He stiffened a little when I mentioned the Pattern.  "You're royalty then."
     "I'm Merlin's daughter.  That's what that whole business with Dara was about.  I've got titles for what they're worth.  I made him tell me so I could use them on people who might think they matter.  He wouldn't tell me what my titles would be in the Courts; he said they wouldn't matter."
     Tevis hesitated; I could feel it.  "On this side of the Wall, they might."
     That took me a moment to digest.  I definitely didn't like the idea.
     "When we reach the other side," I said.  (I couldnít say "if."  If was something I didn't want to think too much about just then.)  "We can just tell them that you rescued me.  I won't mention the kidnapping part.  That should let you more or less off the hook."
     He made a doubtful noise but didn't speak.
     "Merlin feels terribly guilty about me," I added grimly.  "He owes me for all those years in Evara."
     "Donít spend your political capital on me," he muttered.
     I shrugged mentally.  If we get there and are both alive, I have every intention of keeping him alive.  All I said was, "In all my lives, I can only remember two people loving me.  Mama's dead."  And you, I thought, are nearly so.  I wish I had Amanda's memories so that I could understand her reasoning.  She destroyed the man who loved her.  I think she loved him, but it's so hard to tell.  Am I completing the destruction?  I hope not.  I'd rather see him start climbing out of the pit he's put himself in.  He's the only one who can do it though.  If he chooses the easier pathÖ  Well, I'll be sad, but I'm not Amanda, and I don't love him.  I think I could if he worked at finding who he can be, butÖ
     We talked a bit more.  I mentioned Robert's death, and Tevis didn't seem terribly surprised.  I hope he wasn't involved in that, but he might well have delivered the sword.  I got the impression that he finds crossing the Wall easy or at least possible.  He seems vague about the reasons for what he's been doing.  He just didn't care.  Idiot.
    Neither of us mentioned the fact that Dara or her minions might be waiting for us at the Wall.  I think he expects to die there.  I hope that I can prevent that.  I've got the inklings of a plan.  Philomena might actually be useful after all.
 

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