Cordelia's Diary 13

        Talking to Luke has been as helpful as I'd hoped it would be, actually more so...  I've almost stopped hoping for people in this family to speak in words I understand or to intend clarity.  It seems that I was right about Merlin.  His family in Chaos used him, hurt him, forced him to be other than he was and generally betrayed him.
        My time in Evara was terrible, but so far as I know it was impersonal.  My grandfather betrayed me personally, but no one else did unless I want to count my mother's inaction and suicide.   Both seem rather petty when scaled against Merlin's loss.  I'm still realizing how angry I am at Mama for not even trying to stop what was happening--  I can think of things I would have tried in her situation.  They probably wouldn't work or wouldn't work well, but they would rest better in my memory than her putting death between herself and my pain so quickly.  I think she must have been very like Rebecca.  The will to think and solve problems had somehow been removed.  I don't really know that she didn't try some way to save me, only that it wasn't a way that I saw or understood.  Nothing spectacular or loud.
        Still, Mama loved me.  I know that absolutely.  There must have been some spark left for her to have dared to have loved Merlin and for him to have found her worth loving.  I suppose that Grandfather's anger at her bastard child ground the last of that out of her.  Mama did love me.  It doesn't sound, however, as if anybody's really loved Merlin except maybe Luke and the mysterious Gen.  Corwin, from what I've heard of him, does not sound capable.  There's a difference between knowing you ought to and wanting to.
        I wish I could ease Merlin's fears.  This is obviously the prelude to his worst nightmares, and I'm not a particularly formidible guardian against such things.  I can't even acknowledge to him that I know about his fears.  We haven't had time to trust that much, only to want to.  Besides, I think that some part of him believes that he's protecting me from rushing out into danger or from worrying about things that won't touch me.  He's wrong.  Simply being his daughter is a danger if I understand his enemies correctly.  The people who killed Robert don't just want victory; they want to inflict as much pain as possible in the process.  I wonder how Merlin managed to become the man he did while his twin became so different.


        I'm getting really enmeshed in a daily routine.  Breakfast with Russell and Rebecca, running errands before practicing with Fayne, lunch, teaching Biscuit and working on my own Trumps...  Now we'll be adding formal book learning.  I'm using Russell and Rebecca as an excuse, but I need to learn these things too.  I'm not sure why I'm so embarrassed about letting other people know that I'm taking lessons.  I haven't hidden my ignorance on any number of subjects, money, for example.  I'm not sure why history and mathematics should be different.
       Breaking the routine today felt decidedly odd.  I think I'll have to do it more often because it rather frightened me, not because of anything that happened but because it was different.  Some part of me has been trying to hide in the routine.  I'm not a slave anymore.  The routine is more a danger to me than a help now.
        I must admit, though, that going shopping for clothes is not something that would have occurred to me.  I had to get a special outfit for the ball and one for the funeral, but those seemed unusual occasions.  Having more clothing than I expect to wear between washdays seems unnecessary.  I'll have to get over it.  I'm one of the elite now.  Shoes...  I hope Mythos was joking about the woman with rooms full of shoes.
        I have found a wide, fairly plain, silver bracelet to cover my tatoo.  It fits just right and won't slide around.  With that, I'll be able to wear short sleeved dresses and blouses.  I think it should "go" with just about anything.  I'm still not very clear on that concept, but I'm certain that there will be dozens of people ready to correct me if I get it wrong.
        At least I wasn't the only one with a limited wardrobe.  Jared also got the full treatment.  He wasn't urged to try quite such exhibitionist outfits as I was, but I think the others did push him to buy more than he felt he needed.  I think that there's something going on between Jared and Mythos.  I'm not really good at spotting that sort of thing, but Philomena's certain of it.  I just don't know whether or not to trust her.  I think it's true, but is it actually any of my business?
        The floor hockey game was rather wild.  I don't remember doing anything quite like that before.  Even Linette found it a novel experience running all over the place using a stick to hit a ball.  I think everybody enjoyed it except Eurydice and Philomena, and I can't help thinking that they don't count.

        I hadn't expected to wake to screams.  Somehow, I don't expect horrors in Amber.  I came out of my rooms, of course.  Once again, I was the last one into a room with a horrific scene.  I believe it was Fayne who shut the door behind me this time.  Jared was too busy trying to calm Mythos.
        Mythos was on the floor, crying, curled up on herself and trying to keep her hands behind her, under her, anywhere they couldn't do anything.  Her mother, Sarah, was standing with a drawn sword in one hand and a big knife sticking out of her other shoulder.  Fayne persuaded Sarah to sit or lie down, but Sarah was still in command of the situation.  She sent me to get Lancaster while Fayne did what he could to stop her bleeding.
        I had to push my way through the crowd in the hall.  If I'd had time, I'd have stopped to say something to Biscuit, but, thinking about it now, what could I have said?  Biscuit, Jeb and Saul depend on Mythos' position for their own security.  I had no clue what might have happened, and sometimes worries in ignorance are better than worries with a little bit of knowledge.
        Lancaster wasn't happy to be awakened.  I didn't try to explain the situation to him.  I wasn't really sure what had happened myself, and I didn't want to muddy the waters.  I just told him that Sarah needed to see him urgently in her room and that I thought that a doctor would be a good idea.  He didn't question that opinion but simply sent someone to summon a physician.  He believed me.
        Once we got back to the room, Lancaster sent me and Fayne off to summon still more people.  Mythos was still visibly upset, but Jared had managed to quiet her.  I heard enough before I left to understand that Mythos was the one who stuck the knife into Sarah.  Why didn't seem to be a question anyone could answer.  I had no ideas.  I've never understood Mythos or even talked with her much about anything important.
        At any rate, Fayne went to wake Caspian while I headed out into the city to find Sarah's other daughter, Hannah.  I was glad of the page leading me because I would certainly have gotten lost quickly without him.  I'm not even sure I could find the way again.  We weren't taking time to notice the scenery.
        I was perhaps a little blunt in explaining the situation to Hannah, but I couldn't think of any other way to express it.  Her mother had been stabbed, and her sister had wielded the knife.  Anything else could wait until Hannah was talking to someone who actually knew what was going on.
        When I got back, they'd moved both Sarah and Mythos.  Hannah went to Sarah, and I sort of looked around trying to figure out what to do.  Lancaster told me that  I might as well go back to bed, but when I left the room I found Biscuit still in the hallway.  She was obviously frightened and obviously waiting for someone to explain what had happened.  I  told her what I knew and asked her if she recognized the knife.  I also warned her that I expected that she and Jeb and Saul would be questioned and their rooms searched.  She in turn told me that she'd seen Mythos led out of Sarah's bedroom with her hands tied in front of her.  Jared, Lancaster and several guards had gone with her.  Apparently, Mythos has been locked in one of the guestrooms with Jared still accompanying her.  Lancaster and the guards came back out; Jared didn't.  Biscuit added that Mythos hadn't even noticed her friend as she went past.  She didn't look up or to either side.
        I stayed with Biscuit until after the guards came.  They questioned me too just because I was there.  After that, all we could really do was worry.  Neither of us could believe that Mythos would try to kill her mother, but she has.
        If she'd been programmed to do it, I could understand, but I've gotten the impression that Mythos and Biscuit don't come from a place where that's done.  Could somebody in Amber have done it?  In my experience, it's not terribly subtle, so I'd expect somebody to have noticed.  Still, Amber's at war now.  Sarah's important, and the attack was dreadfully cruel.  Philomena thinks the other side will win based on events so far, but I silenced her by pointing out that our side hasn't yet had a chance to show what it can do.  I don't know what I can do myself to help.  Managing the mental equivalent of strangling Philomena might be useful just as a preventative measure, but it hardly seems enough.
        Fayne and I had discussed the problem of having Chaos lineage without knowledge of Chaos during lunch.  Really learning about the Courts would be a start.  Unfortunately, I can't think of a good way to do that.  Somehow I suspect that Evander won't be more forthcoming than Merlin.  We can try, but I wouldn't count on getting much.  From what Luke said, Evander's been hurt nearly as badly by that side of the family as Merlin.
        Fayne's not going to get his Trump of Amber for a long time, I fear.  I need to make other Trumps to spy, and I need to figure out who to make them of.

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