Cordelia's Diary 13
Talking to Luke has been
as helpful as I'd hoped it would be, actually more so... I've almost
stopped hoping for people in this family to speak in words I understand
or to intend clarity. It seems that I was right about Merlin.
His family in Chaos used him, hurt him, forced him to be other than he
was and generally betrayed him.
My time in Evara was terrible,
but so far as I know it was impersonal. My grandfather betrayed me
personally, but no one else did unless I want to count my mother's inaction
and suicide. Both seem rather petty when scaled against Merlin's
loss. I'm still realizing how angry I am at Mama for not even trying
to stop what was happening-- I can think of things I would have tried
in her situation. They probably wouldn't work or wouldn't work well,
but they would rest better in my memory than her putting death between
herself and my pain so quickly. I think she must have been very like
Rebecca. The will to think and solve problems had somehow been removed.
I don't really know that she didn't try some way to save me, only that
it wasn't a way that I saw or understood. Nothing spectacular or
loud.
Still, Mama loved me.
I know that absolutely. There must have been some spark left for
her to have dared to have loved Merlin and for him to have found her worth
loving. I suppose that Grandfather's anger at her bastard child ground
the last of that out of her. Mama did love me. It doesn't sound,
however, as if anybody's really loved Merlin except maybe Luke and the
mysterious Gen. Corwin, from what I've heard of him, does not sound
capable. There's a difference between knowing you ought to and wanting
to.
I wish I could ease Merlin's
fears. This is obviously the prelude to his worst nightmares, and
I'm not a particularly formidible guardian against such things. I
can't even acknowledge to him that I know about his fears. We haven't
had time to trust that much, only to want to. Besides, I think that
some part of him believes that he's protecting me from rushing out into
danger or from worrying about things that won't touch me. He's wrong.
Simply being his daughter is a danger if I understand his enemies correctly.
The people who killed Robert don't just want victory; they want to inflict
as much pain as possible in the process. I wonder how Merlin managed
to become the man he did while his twin became so different.
I'm getting really enmeshed
in a daily routine. Breakfast with Russell and Rebecca, running errands
before practicing with Fayne, lunch, teaching Biscuit and working on my
own Trumps... Now we'll be adding formal book learning. I'm
using Russell and Rebecca as an excuse, but I need to learn these things
too. I'm not sure why I'm so embarrassed about letting other people
know that I'm taking lessons. I haven't hidden my ignorance on any
number of subjects, money, for example. I'm not sure why history
and mathematics should be different.
Breaking the routine today felt
decidedly odd. I think I'll have to do it more often because it rather
frightened me, not because of anything that happened but because it was
different. Some part of me has been trying to hide in the routine.
I'm not a slave anymore. The routine is more a danger to me than
a help now.
I must admit, though, that
going shopping for clothes is not something that would have occurred to
me. I had to get a special outfit for the ball and one for the funeral,
but those seemed unusual occasions. Having more clothing than I expect
to wear between washdays seems unnecessary. I'll have to get over
it. I'm one of the elite now. Shoes... I hope Mythos
was joking about the woman with rooms full of shoes.
I have found a wide, fairly
plain, silver bracelet to cover my tatoo. It fits just right and
won't slide around. With that, I'll be able to wear short sleeved
dresses and blouses. I think it should "go" with just about anything.
I'm still not very clear on that concept, but I'm certain that there will
be dozens of people ready to correct me if I get it wrong.
At least I wasn't the only
one with a limited wardrobe. Jared also got the full treatment.
He wasn't urged to try quite such exhibitionist outfits as I was, but I
think the others did push him to buy more than he felt he needed.
I think that there's something going on between Jared and Mythos.
I'm not really good at spotting that sort of thing, but Philomena's certain
of it. I just don't know whether or not to trust her. I think
it's true, but is it actually any of my business?
The floor hockey game was
rather wild. I don't remember doing anything quite like that before.
Even Linette found it a novel experience running all over the place using
a stick to hit a ball. I think everybody enjoyed it except Eurydice
and Philomena, and I can't help thinking that they don't count.
I hadn't expected to wake
to screams. Somehow, I don't expect horrors in Amber. I came
out of my rooms, of course. Once again, I was the last one into a
room with a horrific scene. I believe it was Fayne who shut the door
behind me this time. Jared was too busy trying to calm Mythos.
Mythos was on the floor,
crying, curled up on herself and trying to keep her hands behind her, under
her, anywhere they couldn't do anything. Her mother, Sarah, was standing
with a drawn sword in one hand and a big knife sticking out of her other
shoulder. Fayne persuaded Sarah to sit or lie down, but Sarah was
still in command of the situation. She sent me to get Lancaster while
Fayne did what he could to stop her bleeding.
I had to push my way through
the crowd in the hall. If I'd had time, I'd have stopped to say something
to Biscuit, but, thinking about it now, what could I have said? Biscuit,
Jeb and Saul depend on Mythos' position for their own security. I
had no clue what might have happened, and sometimes worries in ignorance
are better than worries with a little bit of knowledge.
Lancaster wasn't happy to
be awakened. I didn't try to explain the situation to him.
I wasn't really sure what had happened myself, and I didn't want to muddy
the waters. I just told him that Sarah needed to see him urgently
in her room and that I thought that a doctor would be a good idea.
He didn't question that opinion but simply sent someone to summon a physician.
He believed me.
Once we got back to the
room, Lancaster sent me and Fayne off to summon still more people.
Mythos was still visibly upset, but Jared had managed to quiet her.
I heard enough before I left to understand that Mythos was the one who
stuck the knife into Sarah. Why didn't seem to be a question anyone
could answer. I had no ideas. I've never understood Mythos
or even talked with her much about anything important.
At any rate, Fayne went
to wake Caspian while I headed out into the city to find Sarah's other
daughter, Hannah. I was glad of the page leading me because I would
certainly have gotten lost quickly without him. I'm not even sure
I could find the way again. We weren't taking time to notice the
scenery.
I was perhaps a little blunt
in explaining the situation to Hannah, but I couldn't think of any other
way to express it. Her mother had been stabbed, and her sister had
wielded the knife. Anything else could wait until Hannah was talking
to someone who actually knew what was going on.
When I got back, they'd
moved both Sarah and Mythos. Hannah went to Sarah, and I sort of
looked around trying to figure out what to do. Lancaster told me
that I might as well go back to bed, but when I left the room I found
Biscuit still in the hallway. She was obviously frightened and obviously
waiting for someone to explain what had happened. I told her
what I knew and asked her if she recognized the knife. I also warned
her that I expected that she and Jeb and Saul would be questioned and their
rooms searched. She in turn told me that she'd seen Mythos led out
of Sarah's bedroom with her hands tied in front of her. Jared, Lancaster
and several guards had gone with her. Apparently, Mythos has been
locked in one of the guestrooms with Jared still accompanying her.
Lancaster and the guards came back out; Jared didn't. Biscuit added
that Mythos hadn't even noticed her friend as she went past. She
didn't look up or to either side.
I stayed with Biscuit until
after the guards came. They questioned me too just because I was
there. After that, all we could really do was worry. Neither
of us could believe that Mythos would try to kill her mother, but she has.
If she'd been programmed
to do it, I could understand, but I've gotten the impression that Mythos
and Biscuit don't come from a place where that's done. Could somebody
in Amber have done it? In my experience, it's not terribly subtle,
so I'd expect somebody to have noticed. Still, Amber's at war now.
Sarah's important, and the attack was dreadfully cruel. Philomena
thinks the other side will win based on events so far, but I silenced her
by pointing out that our side hasn't yet had a chance to show what it can
do. I don't know what I can do myself to help. Managing the
mental equivalent of strangling Philomena might be useful just as a preventative
measure, but it hardly seems enough.
Fayne and I had discussed
the problem of having Chaos lineage without knowledge of Chaos during lunch.
Really learning about the Courts would be a start. Unfortunately,
I can't think of a good way to do that. Somehow I suspect that Evander
won't be more forthcoming than Merlin. We can try, but I wouldn't
count on getting much. From what Luke said, Evander's been hurt nearly
as badly by that side of the family as Merlin.
Fayne's not going to get
his Trump of Amber for a long time, I fear. I need to make other
Trumps to spy, and I need to figure out who to make them of.
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