Cordelia, Diary 10

 Thank goodness for Brandon! Keeping Russell busy was likely to be a difficult proposition, especially while I still need to go so slowly with Rebecca. I suspect that I don't want to know what the two of them have been up to, but... Part of me wishes that I could go along. I've never run wild, been mischievous, gotten into trouble. Girls in Evara didn't generally, and Linette was always a good girl, more like Sophia than Ophelia. I think perhaps I've missed something. Finding limits is something that I don't really know how to do. I think I'm too old to get away with it now. Not to mention my other obligations...

 I think Rebecca'll be able to find a place in the gardens somewhere. I'm encouraged by the fact that I've been able to arrange regular lessons for her. Whether or not that leads to a job, I don't know. Constance gave me the impression that something of the sort might be possible, but I don't know how much things have changed now. Everything has I think.

 I need to get some sort of bracelet or arm covering that I can wear over my identification mark. Wearing long sleeves is all very well, but it doesn't help when I'm trying on clothing, and I think short sleeves might help with some of the exercises Gabelle has been teaching me. I'm sure that I can get something that I can wear under most clothing. If I make it look decorative, people may wonder, but I don't think anyone will question it. If I get really ambitious, maybe I'll get more than one covering. Then I can pick which one matches my mood.

 Gabelle is right. I probably should talk with Merlin about the division in my mind. I don't know if he understands that I'm not actually getting back my memories, that I'm getting the memories of strangers I used to be who don't comprehend me or each other. I think that this goes beyond retrieving "my" memories into something else. Each existence grew in isolation from the others and in different directions. Little things can make Linette want to come forward, but I think I'm reaching an accommodation with her. She's a child, traumatized and not fully formed. She needs an adult, and I suspect that she'll be easier to integrate than the others will be when they come. I didn't really have a childhood as most people seem to understand it beyond my training years, so I can let her move into that gap. I'm not sure where the others will fit.

 But I'm trying to avoid thinking about the party. Up until the end, it wasn't bad. Merlin seems to have set himself up to guard me at least to a point. He didn't leave me alone until I indicated that it was okay. Is that still guilt at work? I think he likes me at least a bit, but it's so hard to tell how much is him determined to do right by me.

 Anyway, the food was good. I think I might enjoy learning to dance if I was sure I could trust my partner. Even my idea about doing tarot readings worked. I think I could have spent the whole evening doing that and avoiding the more dangerous currents.

 But I had to know who was screaming and why. Perhaps that was foolish, but... Going to look was in keeping with the person I'm trying to make myself. Seeing Robert, a man I'd actually started to like, dead on the floor with a sword in him was something I think I'd rather have missed. I've experienced violence, seen blood, but I hate the sort of calculation that sets a scene like that. It's not just a killing; it's a mind game. I don't want to play, but I'd like to know what the trap is. What does the killer want us to learn, to question, to believe? The obvious conclusions will almost always be traps. I've been manipulated enough to recognize the attempt.

 It's a pity Constance screamed.

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