Cordelia, Diary 1This new world really isn't any better than the old. Even though I look normal now, people still reject me. There's so much I don't know, and no one to teach me. I don't even know what to steal. That woman in the house screamed. Then there was the man on the park bench and the man in the alley. Is there still something obviously wrong with me? Didn't I get the shape right? Everybody seemed to be wanting to capture me or to call some authority to deal with me.
I obviously can't live a reasonable life without knowing the rules where I am. I just don't know how to learn the rules. It's simpler away from people, out in the wilderness, but even there... I don't even know why those men were shooting at me. Was it their idea of fun? I've known people who enjoyed that sort of thing, especially when the target couldn't fight back.
I guess I thought freedom would have all of the good things from my old life without the fear and maybe with some new opportunities thrown in. Will it get better as I learn what I'm doing? I want so much to paint again, but I don't see any room for that now. I expected that I'd adapt quickly and fit in without being noticed. Obviously, I was wrong.
I'm pretty sure now that this is a different world than Evara, but I'm not sure it's better. I don't know that being killed is any worse than being reprogrammed, but I doubt that it's any better either. Police... The Institution... Trespassing... If no one will talk to me, how can I find out what these things mean? I don't like being shot at.
Looking on the bright side, this guy in metal seems reasonable enough. I can't make sense of half of what he says, but he did make a gallant effort to save my life. I don't think he understood what he was taking on, though. Could he also come from some place else? The men with guns didn't seem to recognize him; they thought he was a joke; I don't think men wearing metal and riding large animals are normal here. He seems sincere enough, but he lied about the magic. What else could heal like that? I've seen magic do it but nothing else. Maybe he sincerely thinks it's something else. I'd rather think he's sincere. I feel safer that way.
Of course, he's got a whole new array concepts that don't make any sense. Some of them he's been able to explain. A church, I now know is a place where people live and act as servants for "gods." I'm still not clear about what gods are or about faith or prayer or miracles. Are priests a special type of slaves who are supposed to keep their masters happy and self confident by boosting their egos? That would make "gods" the equivalent of the masters back home. This stranger doesn't seem to think so, but how many people who weren't slaves even thought about what the masters did to us? Russell was surprised that I didn't get any dessert, and he'll be one of the masters when he's grown.
If this new man comes from some other world, that might mean that he's traveling to yet another world. He doesn't seem aware that he's crossed any boundaries, but I don't think he belonged in that world any more than I did. I'll have to keep my eyes open for a good place to stop. There must be some world where I can be normal. I just hope I recognize it. I also hope that we aren't leaving a trail that that woman can follow. I get the impression that this new fellow and I parted company mentally speaking when I tried to explain what she wanted.
Of course, he's determined to take me to this church place. If I try to leave him before that, there's no telling what he'll do. This horse thing can move much faster than I can, but I can probably outrun the man on the ground. All of that metal has to be an impediment to movement. Of course, I also don't know what will happen if I stay with him. So far, he's been extremely polite, but... I wonder, do I smell that bad and is smelling bad a protection? I know it's been a few days since I bathed last, but this emphasis on living a clean life seems like an overdone hint. I just don't understand how bathing regularly will help me to protect myself from men with guns or from mages or from anyone else.
It's all confusingly tied up with morals. I'm not sure exactly what those are either. Some of the terms ring bells from Russell's talk about philosophy, but I have to admit that I wasn't paying much attention to philosophy at the time. I just needed to get his nose out of that book so that I could draw him properly.
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